DEAR ABBY: My 18-year-old daughter recently left to go across the country to college. Aside from the usual pangs of separation, I am overwhelmed with guilt at mistakes I made in raising her. It has struck me very hard that I can't "make it up to her" now.

Overall, I was a good mom. She was well taken care of physically and given many opportunities. But many times the emotional turmoil in my own life caused me to put her second, and she was hurt and angry. I was made painfully aware of just how bad it seemed to her when I found notes to herself she left in a dresser when she left for school. It breaks my heart to know she was so hurt by my actions.

I'm distraught and have trouble moving beyond this burden of guilt. I have considered suicide because of the hopelessness (you can't change the past), but I realize that would only cause more pain. What can I do? -- FEELING GUILTY, PORTLAND, ORE.

DEAR FEELING GUILTY: There are several things you can do. The first is to realize you are not powerless. Although there is nothing you can do about the past, there is a great deal you can do about the future.

Pick up the telephone and tell your doctor exactly how you are feeling. With medical help and counseling, you can quickly move beyond the feelings of hopelessness and pain.

Then, write or call your daughter and tell her that you found the notes she wrote -- and how sorry you are that you hurt her. Keep in mind that it is possible she has moved beyond the pain she felt when she wrote them. After all, she left them behind; she did not take them with her.

The most effective way to move beyond our mistakes -- and heaven knows we all make them -- is to apologize for any pain we might have caused and to resolve to do better in the future, and then act upon it. Dwelling on past mistakes achieves nothing. And suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I don't recommend it.

DEAR ABBY: To "Desperate Neighbors in L.A." you recommended a series of expensive modifications to their homes to decrease the noise level from another neighbor's loud music. While I agree they should check with police on noise ordinances, I suggest the writers do their rude and thoughtless neighbors one better:

Why not get together with friends and rent outdoor speakers? On an agreed-upon night when no one is going to sleep much anyway, wait until the offending neighbors are asleep. Then crank up a recording of a rousing classical march or suite -- something by Sousa or Tchaikovsky's "1812 Overture." Everyone could stand outside and blow whistles and honk horns, too. A couple of nights of this should get the message across.

I love your column. -- GEORGE L. CHAPPELL, OLYMPIA, WASH.

DEAR GEORGE: I can't in good conscience recommend tit for tat. If you resort to fighting fire with fire, you risk burning your own house down.

Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Ever since I was a child, my mother clipped interesting recipes from newspapers and magazines and pasted them into a scrapbook.

Finally, her scrapbook deteriorated and fell apart. Mother threw it away instead of restoring it. When I found out, I was devastated. I told her I had been hoping that one day the scrapbook would have been passed down to me. Thank goodness, several years ago, when I left my mother's nest, I photocopied certain recipes from her scrapbook. One of them was a handwritten recipe for cheesecake.

For years, I thought it was her famous cheesecake recipe. Just this week, I discovered that the handwritten recipe I copied is not Mom's famous cheesecake recipe, but yours, clipped from the newspaper decades ago.

This is my entire family's favorite dessert and Mother was always asked to bake it for special occasions. My parents divorced and my mother rarely bakes now. My father's family always reminisces when dessert time comes around about my mother's delicious cheesecake.

My brother was married last February. He bragged to his future family about what a great baker my mother was and how everyone raved about her cheesecake. He then "volunteered" our mother to bring "her" famous cheesecake to the wedding shower.

Well, since Mom had thrown away her scrapbook with the recipe in it, she asked me for mine. I then realized that I had loaned mine out and never got it back, so Mom tried a different one.

The results were disastrous. The crust was a watery mess. This was not discovered until the morning of the bridal shower. Mom was in a state of panic. She had to rush out and buy a cake. The shower guests had expected my mother's famous cheesecake and she was embarrassed having to explain her predicament to everyone.

So, Abby, please grant me one wish. Print your famous cheesecake recipe again. It will guarantee that the tradition of having it at our family gatherings continues for generations. -- EAGERLY AWAITING IN WOODLAND HILLS, CALIF.

DEAR EAGERLY AWAITING: I'm happy to oblige. That recipe is included in my cookbooklet, "Dear Abby's Favorite Recipes," and it's a cinch to make.

CRUST: 1 1/2 cups graham cracker crumbs, 1/2 cup butter (1 cube), melted, and 1/3 cup powdered sugar.

CHEESECAKE: 3 (8-ounce) packages cream cheese, softened; 4 eggs; 1 cup sugar; 1 teaspoon vanilla; 1 pint dairy sour cream (room temperature), and a 21-ounce can prepared cherry, blueberry or strawberry pie filling.

METHOD: Heat oven to 350 degrees.

Combine graham cracker crumbs, powdered sugar and butter. Press into bottom of an 8-inch springform pan.

In a large bowl, beat cream cheese, eggs, sugar and vanilla until smooth. Pour mixture over prepared crust.

Bake at 350 for 50 minutes (until center is set). Remove from oven and spread sour cream on top of cake. Return to oven and bake an additional 5 minutes. Remove from oven and allow to cool. Spread desired topping on cheesecake. Chill overnight. Before serving, carefully remove sides from pan.

Serves: 16.

Tip: To minimize cracking, place a shallow pan half full of hot water on lower rack of oven during baking. Be sure the sour cream is room temperature when you spread it on.

For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I've been in a loveless marriage for 20 years. Six years ago, I fell in love with a wonderful (but married) man. We shared a passionate, fantastic and totally secret relationship until a year ago -- when his wife discovered our affair. Unfortunately, instead of kicking him out, she chose to forgive him.

He had led me to believe that our love was forever and he couldn't live without me. Now he tells me he realizes he still loves his wife, will not leave her, and our relationship is over.

I will not accept this. I must live my life with him. I am unable to give him up. I'll do anything to get him away from his wife, but I'm running out of ideas. Do you have any? -- DESPERATE IN DETROIT

DEAR DESPERATE: Yes. Get over it. You have confused love with obsession. If you continue pursuing this man, you are asking for a bigger dose of heartache than what you've already suffered.

Concentrate on the husband you have, and perhaps you'll have a marriage as successful as your former lover's.

DEAR ABBY: The mother of "Caged Up in Los Angeles," who won't allow her 19-year-old daughter out of the house after sundown, is making a tragic mistake.

She's teaching her daughter that she has no willpower, no conscience and no judgment. The mother fails to realize that if her daughter is so inclined, she can misbehave as easily at 2:30 in the afternoon as she might at 11 p.m.

That mother should be teaching her daughter the social skills. She should then permit her daughter to practice and refine them. If the mother fails to do this, she will be sending an unprepared, uninformed and inexperienced 25-year-old into society, thus doing a disservice to her daughter as well as those around her. -- N.P., SANTA MONICA, CALIF.

DEAR N.P.: I couldn't have said it better. I pray the young woman's mother recognizes herself, and eases up on her daughter.

DEAR ABBY: In commenting on your advice to "Sad Mom-to-Be," the woman signed "Been There, Done That" said her husband was also selfish, inconsiderate and inflexible, and her son is "now stuck with a name that means nothing to him."

I am always amazed that people who hate their names feel that they are stuck with them forever. "Been There" should look at her own "flexibility." My ex-husband and I have both changed our names, and so have at least five other relatives and several friends.

There are very few possessions, physical or acquired, that are not changeable nowadays, and my name was a lot easier to improve than my nose! -- GERTA FARBER, OAKLAND, CALIF.

DEAR GERTA: I salute your honesty -- and what an interesting and unusual name you chose. I'll wager that changing your name was a lot less expensive than your nose job.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)