DEAR ABBY: I recently transferred to a new office, and I have never seen so many people who are experts on what should or shouldn't be done. They post signs everywhere: "Do Not Move Coffeepot While Coffee Is Brewing," "Do Not Use This Door Except for Emergencies," "Do Not Throw This or That Into the Garbage," "Do Not Use This Ice Tray," etc.

I would never have the gall to put up a sign every time someone did something of which I disapproved. Am I wrong to be offended? I come in every day to find that something I have done is not right according to somebody else's rules, and a big sign has been posted saying, "Do Not Do This or That."

These people are not bosses. Why do they think they have the right to make up rules for everyone else to follow? -- SICK OF SIGNS, BIRMINGHAM, ALA.

DEAR SICK OF SIGNS: Don't be so quick to take offense. You are the newcomer in an office where the style of communication may not be yours, but it is the established style. If the signs are not posted specifically at your desk, don't take them personally -- they are probably not intended only for you. They are meant to help the staff learn office procedures without confronting anyone directly and causing hurt feelings.

DEAR ABBY: Thanks to you, I am now $1,000 richer because of the advice you gave to the lady who wrote saying she had lent $1,000 to a friend 20 years ago. She wondered if her friend had forgotten the debt, and she could use the money now. She asked if you felt it was appropriate to remind her friend about the debt.

You replied, "By all means, you have nothing to lose, and you could be $1,000 richer."

I cut out your column and sent it to the old friend who borrowed the $1,000 from me more than 30 years ago. A check and a nice letter arrived by return mail!

I hope the lady who wrote you was as lucky as I was. Thank you, Dear Abby. Your column is priceless. -- GRATEFUL IN ARIZONA

DEAR GRATEFUL: No need to thank me -- that's what I'm here for. I'm pleased to know your efforts were rewarded.

DEAR ABBY: I am enclosing something I think might give you and your readers a chuckle. By the way, I am nearly 83 years old. -- MARIA JOAN SMITH, GRANTS PASS, ORE.

DEAR MARIA JOAN SMITH: I agree - it's cute. And regardless of denomination, there's something in it for almost everyone. Read on:

FIRE: WHAT TO DO

During a recent ecumenical gathering, a secretary rushed in shouting, "The building is on fire!"

The METHODISTS gathered in the corner and prayed.

The BAPTISTS cried, "Where is the water?"

The QUAKERS quietly praised God for the blessings that fire brings.

The LUTHERANS posted a notice on the door declaring the fire was evil.

The ROMAN CATHOLICS passed the plate to cover the damage.

The JEWS posted symbols on the doors hoping the fire would pass.

The CONGREGATIONALISTS shouted, "Every man for himself!"

The FUNDAMENTALISTS proclaimed, "It's the vengeance of God!"

The EPISCOPALIANS formed a procession and marched out.

The CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS concluded that there was no fire.

The PRESBYTERIANS appointed a chairperson who was to appoint a committee to look into the matter and submit a written report.

The secretary grabbed the fire extinguisher and put the fire out.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: It infuriates me when people write to you to complain about how cheap some people are when it comes to tipping.

I am one of those cheap tippers. Let me explain.

My husband is a firefighter. Who tips him? Nobody! After he has risked his life to save others, their pets or personal belongings, do you think the city or the victim hands him $50 and says, "Thanks for a job well done"? Never! After he has pulled a drunk from a car wreck at 3 a.m., do you believe someone will tip him or the police officers? They won't.

Does my husband expect a tip? No.

Abby, I know hairdressers who make more money than my husband does, so I say let's put an end to the tipping debate. My advice to hairdressers is, "Get over it and be happy with what you receive." -- TIRED OF TIPPING IN INDIANA

DEAR TIRED OF TIPPING: Firefighters and police officers may not receive monetary tips, but recognition and rewards are not as rare as you may believe. I have known of celebrations to honor local heroes, as well as money drives to benefit fire and police departments, and the families of these public servants.

Not all people in the beauty business are salaried. Most of them need their tips to achieve and maintain a decent standard of living.

P.S. If you had signed your name, you'd be wearing a "Mohawk" for life.

DEAR ABBY: It has always disturbed me that in the white culture, women fear old age and want to look younger.

In our Native American culture, one is given a birth name; but at age 13, young men are sent out into the woods for four days to fast until they see their "vision," at which time they return and describe it to the medicine man. Then they are given their adult names.

After age 50, one is considered an "elder" of the nation or tribe, and a ceremony is held where we are given our "elder name." When individuals become elders, they are highly respected for their wisdom and are taken care of by our people as long as they live. I am proud to be an "elder" of my tribe. I don't dye my hair because pure white hair is growing in; I'm proud to be getting elderly.

We don't send our elderly off to convalescent homes or hospitals and forget about them because they're old and senile and too much trouble to deal with. We take care of them and listen to their traditional stories, which we pass on to our children and grandchildren. We have a strong spirit for our people, especially our old people.

Too bad white people don't look at life as stages, and death as a transformation to a beautiful spiritual life -- forever.

I am married to a great hereditary chief related to Chief Greylock, so I am a princess by title. May the Great Spirit walk with you and give people the wisdom of what it means to be elderly. -- PRINCESS SHEILA RUNNING WATER, PROUD ELDER OF THE WABANAKI NATION, GREAT SACRED FALLS, VT.

DEAR PRINCESS SHEILA: At the risk of generalizing, many individuals of various races regard their lives as "stages." And they'd prefer to postpone the last stage as long as possible. Entire industries have been built upon this principle.

DEAR ABBY: One more gripe from a senior citizen. Mine concerns having a mammogram.

As I stand there with my bare breasts hanging down to my waist, my silver hair glistening in the bright light, the X-ray technician asks me, "Are you pregnant?" -- D.M.K. IN LARGO, FLA.

DEAR D.M.K.: If you take into account the fact that a 64-year-old woman recently gave birth to a child through the miracle of hormone therapy and in vitro fertilization, I think that's not an unfair question.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Help! My husband ("Carl") and I have been married for 18 months. I have a 4-year-old son from a previous marriage and an infant daughter from this marriage.

Before I met Carl, he had a one-night stand that resulted in a child (a little girl I'll call Sally). He and the mother of the child agreed a long time ago that Sally would be legally adopted by the mother's new husband (but Carl hasn't signed the papers yet). Carl made the decision to have nothing to do with his daughter. I totally support him in that decision.

Carl and I have a loving and strong relationship. The problem is my mother-in-law.

At our wedding reception, Carl's mother brought along pictures of Sally and showed them to members of my family. Somehow, the photographs got propped up against our wedding toast glasses next to our wedding cake. My husband confronted his mother. She turned it around and tried to make him feel guilty for ignoring the child. To this day she has never apologized for it.

My mother-in-law showed pictures of Sally to my son and told him she was his sister. She has asked me to visit the child and not tell my husband. She also has called me a "twit" (and worse), and told me that my husband was her son, and he loves her more than he loves me.

Carl and I have asked her not to see Sally, but she insists she doesn't need our permission to see her family.

I am upset and very hurt by her attitude and actions. As a family, what should we do? -- GERI IN TEXAS

DEAR GERI: Your feelings are valid. Your mother-in-law seems determined that all the children Carl has produced should be blended into one big happy family, regardless of his or your feelings.

It would be in everyone's best interests for Carl to sign the adoption papers as soon as possible. It will then be up to the child's mother and adoptive father to decide if they still want your mother-in-law involved in their and their daughter's lives.

If you distanced yourself from this woman, it would be understandable in the light of her behavior.

DEAR ABBY: In reply to the advice you gave to "Feeling Unloved in St. Cloud, Minn.," whose husband wouldn't touch her unless he had a drink first -- I'd like to share the other perspective:

While she likes to tie quitting drinking to her husband's reluctance to show his feelings, she is only partially correct.

One of the greatest fears people have is rejection. Rejection by the one you love is even worse. She should know that -- she feels it! Imagine what it is like for her husband, who awakened several times in the night to find his wife out of the bed -- and in another bedroom. Talk about rejection!

The reason he doesn't come to her bed for sex is he doesn't want MORE rejection. Only when he takes a drink does the fear subside.

If she wants sex, why doesn't she go to his bed? I've never yet seen a man refuse a woman's advances. She should be glad he hasn't moved out. Most men would nowadays.

Someday when she's a widow, she can look back at all the nights she didn't hear and feel him in bed next to her. I know. I'm a "Minnesota Twin" to this guy. -- MINNESOTA TWIN IN BEAVER CREEK

DEAR MINNESOTA TWIN: Thank you for stepping up to the plate to tell this unhappy wife where she's striking out. Several other readers have voiced the same opinion.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)