DEAR ABBY: It infuriates me when people write to you to complain about how cheap some people are when it comes to tipping.

I am one of those cheap tippers. Let me explain.

My husband is a firefighter. Who tips him? Nobody! After he has risked his life to save others, their pets or personal belongings, do you think the city or the victim hands him $50 and says, "Thanks for a job well done"? Never! After he has pulled a drunk from a car wreck at 3 a.m., do you believe someone will tip him or the police officers? They won't.

Does my husband expect a tip? No.

Abby, I know hairdressers who make more money than my husband does, so I say let's put an end to the tipping debate. My advice to hairdressers is, "Get over it and be happy with what you receive." -- TIRED OF TIPPING IN INDIANA

DEAR TIRED OF TIPPING: Firefighters and police officers may not receive monetary tips, but recognition and rewards are not as rare as you may believe. I have known of celebrations to honor local heroes, as well as money drives to benefit fire and police departments, and the families of these public servants.

Not all people in the beauty business are salaried. Most of them need their tips to achieve and maintain a decent standard of living.

P.S. If you had signed your name, you'd be wearing a "Mohawk" for life.

DEAR ABBY: It has always disturbed me that in the white culture, women fear old age and want to look younger.

In our Native American culture, one is given a birth name; but at age 13, young men are sent out into the woods for four days to fast until they see their "vision," at which time they return and describe it to the medicine man. Then they are given their adult names.

After age 50, one is considered an "elder" of the nation or tribe, and a ceremony is held where we are given our "elder name." When individuals become elders, they are highly respected for their wisdom and are taken care of by our people as long as they live. I am proud to be an "elder" of my tribe. I don't dye my hair because pure white hair is growing in; I'm proud to be getting elderly.

We don't send our elderly off to convalescent homes or hospitals and forget about them because they're old and senile and too much trouble to deal with. We take care of them and listen to their traditional stories, which we pass on to our children and grandchildren. We have a strong spirit for our people, especially our old people.

Too bad white people don't look at life as stages, and death as a transformation to a beautiful spiritual life -- forever.

I am married to a great hereditary chief related to Chief Greylock, so I am a princess by title. May the Great Spirit walk with you and give people the wisdom of what it means to be elderly. -- PRINCESS SHEILA RUNNING WATER, PROUD ELDER OF THE WABANAKI NATION, GREAT SACRED FALLS, VT.

DEAR PRINCESS SHEILA: At the risk of generalizing, many individuals of various races regard their lives as "stages." And they'd prefer to postpone the last stage as long as possible. Entire industries have been built upon this principle.

DEAR ABBY: One more gripe from a senior citizen. Mine concerns having a mammogram.

As I stand there with my bare breasts hanging down to my waist, my silver hair glistening in the bright light, the X-ray technician asks me, "Are you pregnant?" -- D.M.K. IN LARGO, FLA.

DEAR D.M.K.: If you take into account the fact that a 64-year-old woman recently gave birth to a child through the miracle of hormone therapy and in vitro fertilization, I think that's not an unfair question.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Help! My husband ("Carl") and I have been married for 18 months. I have a 4-year-old son from a previous marriage and an infant daughter from this marriage.

Before I met Carl, he had a one-night stand that resulted in a child (a little girl I'll call Sally). He and the mother of the child agreed a long time ago that Sally would be legally adopted by the mother's new husband (but Carl hasn't signed the papers yet). Carl made the decision to have nothing to do with his daughter. I totally support him in that decision.

Carl and I have a loving and strong relationship. The problem is my mother-in-law.

At our wedding reception, Carl's mother brought along pictures of Sally and showed them to members of my family. Somehow, the photographs got propped up against our wedding toast glasses next to our wedding cake. My husband confronted his mother. She turned it around and tried to make him feel guilty for ignoring the child. To this day she has never apologized for it.

My mother-in-law showed pictures of Sally to my son and told him she was his sister. She has asked me to visit the child and not tell my husband. She also has called me a "twit" (and worse), and told me that my husband was her son, and he loves her more than he loves me.

Carl and I have asked her not to see Sally, but she insists she doesn't need our permission to see her family.

I am upset and very hurt by her attitude and actions. As a family, what should we do? -- GERI IN TEXAS

DEAR GERI: Your feelings are valid. Your mother-in-law seems determined that all the children Carl has produced should be blended into one big happy family, regardless of his or your feelings.

It would be in everyone's best interests for Carl to sign the adoption papers as soon as possible. It will then be up to the child's mother and adoptive father to decide if they still want your mother-in-law involved in their and their daughter's lives.

If you distanced yourself from this woman, it would be understandable in the light of her behavior.

DEAR ABBY: In reply to the advice you gave to "Feeling Unloved in St. Cloud, Minn.," whose husband wouldn't touch her unless he had a drink first -- I'd like to share the other perspective:

While she likes to tie quitting drinking to her husband's reluctance to show his feelings, she is only partially correct.

One of the greatest fears people have is rejection. Rejection by the one you love is even worse. She should know that -- she feels it! Imagine what it is like for her husband, who awakened several times in the night to find his wife out of the bed -- and in another bedroom. Talk about rejection!

The reason he doesn't come to her bed for sex is he doesn't want MORE rejection. Only when he takes a drink does the fear subside.

If she wants sex, why doesn't she go to his bed? I've never yet seen a man refuse a woman's advances. She should be glad he hasn't moved out. Most men would nowadays.

Someday when she's a widow, she can look back at all the nights she didn't hear and feel him in bed next to her. I know. I'm a "Minnesota Twin" to this guy. -- MINNESOTA TWIN IN BEAVER CREEK

DEAR MINNESOTA TWIN: Thank you for stepping up to the plate to tell this unhappy wife where she's striking out. Several other readers have voiced the same opinion.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Something happened yesterday that makes me want to stress the importance of bicycle helmets, even on toddlers who ride little ride-on toys. My 2-year-old daughter and 4-year-old son were riding their bikes on our sidewalk when my son accidentally bumped into the back of his sister's bike. The bike slid out from under her and she fell backward, hitting her head on the concrete. Fortunately she was wearing a helmet and was not injured, but I shudder to think what might have happened had she not been wearing one.

I always thought I was a little overprotective making my young children wear helmets when I didn't think they could get seriously injured in a fall from such a small vehicle. But I felt it was a good habit to get into for when they were older.

Now I'm grateful I listened to that "sixth sense" and avoided what could have been a serious head injury. We were lucky we were able to spend the rest of my husband's birthday having fun instead of sitting in the emergency room. I hope this letter will make parents think twice before letting their children, regardless of age, ride without a helmet. -- VIRGINIA BRIGGS, LEVITTOWN, PA.

DEAR VIRGINIA: You are a wise and conscientious mother for realizing that an innocent bike ride can be dangerous for children who aren't wearing bicycle helmets. Helmets can prevent an estimated 85 percent of serious head injuries, and greatly reduce the risk of severe brain injury that can result in death. However, even a minor brain injury can lead to problems with learning and memory.

There are many good helmets on the market today. The easiest way to find one that is well made and reliable is to look for the "SNELL" certification sticker. Helmet models carrying that decal have met rigorous standards in tests performed by the Snell Foundation. Based on three decades of research in the United States and England, a Snell-certified helmet is one of the best.

Bicycle helmets save lives. There's no better reason to insist that your child wears one.

P.S. Helmets are also essential safety gear for other sports such as inline skating, etc.

DEAR ABBY: I've got a big problem. It started when my friend "Raymondo" got a divorce and left for New York with his new wife and his daughter last spring. We kept in touch with them for a while, and Raymondo kept saying he didn't like living up north and he wanted to return.

Finally he left his new wife and returned with his daughter. However, he had no place to live because he has no family here in the United States, and his former wife's family wanted no part of him.

We told Raymondo he could stay with us until he found a job and earned enough money to rent an apartment. A month passed. Two months.

Abby, he is still here with us, using our water and electricity and eating our food. He doesn't pay for anything. How can we tell Raymondo to leave? -- FERNANDO IN FLORIDA

DEAR FERNANDO: Tell him in Spanish. If that doesn't work, tell him in English. But whatever language you use, "talk turkey" by making it clear that he has worn out his welcome and he must be out within two weeks. Then stand by your decision.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)