DEAR ABBY: My 18-year-old son, "Josh," has been dating a 20-year-old girl, "Jessica," for about 10 months. Josh graduated from high school in June and left for the Army three weeks later. Just before he left, Jessica's mother gave him the family engagement ring, in case he "wanted to use it" before he went.

Josh's father and I were very upset. We talked and talked, and finally convinced our son that he doesn't know Jessica well enough to marry her, and he has no idea where his commitment to the Army will lead him. Besides, he is simply too young to marry. Finally, after four days of emotional turmoil, Josh returned the ring to Jessica's mother.

My son now informs us that Jessica and her mother are fixing up the basement of their home for him when he comes home on leave.

There is no end to this woman's presumptuousness. The extent to which she is going in order to snag my son for her daughter is making me ill. I have written to Josh expressing my feelings, but it hasn't helped. He plans to stay at their home when he returns. My husband says to let him go, but I am hurt and frightened. What can I do? -- ILL IN PA.

DEAR ILL: Remind Josh that marriage is far too serious a commitment for a fellow his age. Most young men that age are in no great rush to get married, although they do get involved in some romantic encounters. Trying to come between the two will only drive them into each other's arms.

Let Josh know that true love is patient and can wait, and help him recognize the mother's actions for what they are -- manipulation.

DEAR ABBY: Our next-door neighbors moved in a little over a year ago, and we've developed a friendship with them. A few weeks ago, Mr. Next-Door-Neighbor invited us to a surprise 40th birthday dinner party for Mrs. Next-Door-Neighbor at a nice restaurant. We accepted.

The party was scheduled for a Saturday night. On the Thursday before the party, we were given four tickets to a preseason football game for the same Saturday night. We don't get to attend many games, and we are big fans of the team. The tickets are very hard to come by and are quite expensive.

We decided to go to the game and forgo the party. I called Mr. Next-Door-Neighbor explaining our situation and apologized. My husband also apologized. After the party and game, I sent Mrs. Next-Door-Neighbor a nice plant and some jewelry for her birthday, and apologized to her.

They still seem to be upset by our dinner cancellation. What should we have done? -- NEIGHBORS IN SPARTANBURG, S.C.

DEAR NEIGHBORS: Would you have been forgiving had your husband planned a surprise birthday party at a nice restaurant, and one of the couples canceled two days before the party?

You did what you wanted to do instead of what you should have done. Friends don't treat friends in such a shabby manner.

DEAR ABBY: Can you please help my friend and me solve a dilemma?

When sending out children's birthday invitations, do you think it is proper to include the child's clothing size and toy ideas in the invitation?

I recently received an invitation that read: Billy wears a size 5 and his favorite toys are Super Heroes. This comment obviously seems as though you are expected to bring a gift.

What do you think, Abby? Should I include this line in my son's upcoming birthday party invitations? -- WONDERING

DEAR WONDERING: I wouldn't.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a former bishop (local pastor) of the Diamond Bar Ward of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. My heart broke when I read the letter from the 21-year-old LDS rape victim. Although I am responding to a letter involving a Mormon girl, I would give the same advice to anyone. She must do four things immediately:

First, she must notify the police and press charges, regardless of who the person is. She is the innocent victim of a heinous crime. The community needs to know there is a predator in their midst, and the criminal needs to be brought to justice.

Second, she must see a doctor. Pregnancy is the least of potential problems to which she was forcefully exposed.

Third, she should confide in her parents. She needs support from those who love her most. She has nothing to be ashamed of. She is a victim and needs love and understanding to heal the wounds inflicted on her. She may need counseling from a professional as well.

Fourth, she needs to confide in her bishop. He will assure her that she has committed no sin, and has done nothing requiring forgiveness. No one can take a person's chastity by force. He will tell her she is still a virgin and will remain so until she gives herself to her husband. The presence or absence of a hymen does not determine virginity or chastity. Chastity is a condition of the soul and the mind. It is not physical; it is spiritual.

To all young people who have been raped or molested, I say: "Do not feel worthless. Satan will lie to you and tell you that you are degraded, of no value, a thing of scorn; our Father in Heaven never has, and never will. Believe God; you can trust Him." -- EDWARD D. BOTTOM, DIAMOND BAR, CALIF.

DEAR MR. BOTTOM: Thank you for your compassionate and encouraging letter. I have heard from thousands of concerned people offering words of support and encouragement to the young Mormon woman. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: "Raped Virgin" asked if she is still a virgin. I have spoken to several hundred women in her situation. Her feelings are very normal after having survived a traumatic sexual assault. I hope she reads this, because I want her to understand: She is still a virgin. She did not give herself to anyone; she was assaulted. What happened to her was beyond her control. The choice was not hers; she is not to blame.

You gave her great advice by encouraging her to call her local rape crisis hotline. I would further encourage her to seek counseling through agencies her local police department can provide. There are counselors available who deal primarily with sexual assault victims. Counseling is an important part of the healing process. It will lead her on the road to recovery.

She is a survivor. With the support of professionals, family and friends, she can heal and put this horrible experience behind her. -- DETECTIVE NORMA PEROTTI DORMANN, SEX CRIMES UNIT, SAN DIEGO POLICE DEPARTMENT

DEAR ABBY: I would like to reply to "Raped Virgin." Yes, you are still a virgin. You have lived a clean and godly life. Please don't sell yourself short. Your parents love you and cherish you. Go immediately to your bishop. He is trained to handle many situations and will not look down on you. Most of all, please remember your Heavenly Father loves you and will heal your heartache if you allow it. -- MOTHER OF ANOTHER RAPED VIRGIN

Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.

DEAR ABBY: I have practiced law for 40 years as a trial lawyer and counselor, and have served as a mediator for more than 1,000 cases in the last seven years. In my role as a peacemaker and advocate of conflict avoidance, I have reached certain conclusions that might help your readers:

1. Learn to disagree without being disagreeable. It's all right to be assertive, but not aggressive, abusive or abrasive.

2. When someone says something with which you disagree, try not to be judgmental.

3. Maintain eye contact when greeting people, and shake their hands. (Touching is important.)

4. Be kind and courteous to everyone.

5. Remember that civility is a sign of strength, not weakness.

6. Speak softly. (People tune out loud, angry voices.)

7. Saving face is important. Give your opponent the opportunity to withdraw.

8. Your attitude is more important than your aptitude.

9. Mutual respect is the key to avoiding conflict.

10. Give the other person a chance to be heard without interrupting.

11. The shortest distance between two people is a smile. -- PETER S. CHANTILIS, ATTORNEY-MEDIATOR, DALLAS

DEAR PETER: Your suggestions are excellent. (My favorites are Nos. 7 and 11.)

DEAR ABBY: In my 32 years of living, I have spent every Christmas with my family. I am now in a serious relationship. My boyfriend and I recently decided to go skiing this Christmas during our short vacation time.

I called my mother to advise her that we wouldn't be spending Christmas Day with her and my large family, but I would love to come home for Christmas Eve.

My mother hung up on me and we haven't spoken since! She told me I was being unfair and selfish and that I should know how important the holidays are to her. I love my family, but I am an adult and should be able to make my own decisions without feeling guilty.

Isn't it time she let go? What happens one day when I have a family of my own? Is there a right or wrong? -- FEELING GUILTY IN LOS ANGELES

DEAR FEELING GUILTY: Your mother is wrong. Don't feel guilty. You are offering a fair compromise by attending the family gathering on Christmas Eve. And yes, you will want to establish holiday traditions of your own in the future. Why not begin now?

DEAR ABBY: The letter from the woman who complained about the lack of women's magazines in the auto repair waiting room prompts this letter.

I question whether the evaluation of a good auto repair shop depends on the coffee and reading material offered. Until recently, we had a shop where many mechanics took their cars to be repaired. The fellow was honest, but not the most personable man in the world. He charged fair prices and did excellent work. He didn't take advantage of people who didn't know much about mechanics, worked very long hours and died too young.

The new shop in town provides coffee, pastries, large-screen television and the latest magazines. They waltz you in, and a man in a white lab coat comes in to advise you what they'll have to do to your car. Since they jack up the prices if you look prosperous, it's best to leave your jewelry at home. -- RICHARD W. KOWALSKI, NORTHAMPTON, MASS.

DEAR RICHARD: You've made your point. However, all things being equal, many women would prefer to take their business to a woman-friendly environment.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)