DEAR ABBY: For 15 years, my marriage and family were fairly normal. Then we moved back to be near my in-laws and help while my father-in-law was ill. Two years ago, he died. And I have now lost my husband (I'll call him Jack) -- to his mother! He has become mama's little boy again.

My mother-in-law is an energetic, bright and creative woman. Even when we lived far away, she tried to run his life, and that of our family. Now that we live nearby, she completely runs and ruins everything. She buys the attention of our children with things that we can't afford and really prefer they not have. She has time to cook elaborate meals, take the kids on trips, etc. She criticizes my cooking, my housekeeping, the way we discipline the children -- everything. And my husband, though he can manage a corporation, has never been able to stand up to his mother.

Almost every night she has something "new" to show one of the children. Every night she has some little chore for Jack to do. On weekends, she has already made plans for herself, my husband and the children. She makes it abundantly clear that I am not welcome to participate. I have suggested counseling for us, or at least talking to our pastor. Since his mother doesn't like our pastor, that got shot down.

If I were to leave Jack, it would be my fault, of course. Abby, what does one do when the "other woman" is a man's mother? -- CHARLOTTE IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR CHARLOTTE: If I were you, the first thing I'd do is start looking for another man -- for your mother-in-law! With all that energy, she needs an outlet other than her son and grandchildren.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 19-year-old girl and my best friend, Cliff, is 21. We have been best friends for about three years and even tried dating, but it never worked for us. We agreed a long time ago that if we didn't get married, we'd be in each other's weddings.

Well, Cliff is getting married next spring and has asked me to be his "best man." I accepted. He was originally going to have a male friend for his best man, and I was going to serve cake or take care of the guest book. But Cliff decided he wants me to have the honor.

My problem is that my mother doesn't approve. She and my dad were married in 1967 and still believe in the traditional way of doing things. I called several bridal shops and was told that I won't be the first woman to be a "best man." Cliff's fiance, his mother and the rest of the wedding party are all for it.

Cliff adores my parents. He calls them "Mamma" and "Dad." He values their opinion as much as I do, but we both want me to be his best man.

Abby, what do you think? Is it appropriate for a woman to be a groom's best man? -- BEST FRIEND IN KENNESAW, GA.

DEAR BEST FRIEND: It is unusual but not inappropriate for a woman to be a "best man." That honor usually goes to the groom's brother, his closest friend, or even his father if they are very close.

Since you are Cliff's best friend, and there is no objection on the part of the bride or her family, you certainly qualify.

DEAR ABBY: Regarding the letters in your column about fractured Spanish: Some years ago my wife and I were in the airport in Madrid, Spain. They had a grill with hotdogs on it, and I was hungry!

I asked the cook three times for a hotdog. No response. Then I said, "Caliente woof-woof, por favor."

I got my hotdog, pronto! -- MARVIN RUBENSTEIN, SCOTTSDALE, ARIZ.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 19-year-old college student. I live at home and have always considered myself a well-behaved "child." I'm an honors student, active in the community and school, and have never used drugs or been in trouble of any kind.

The problem is my mom. She's overprotective, and I don't know what to do. We have a very good relationship; I tell her everything about my life and am very honest with her. Yet she insists my curfew be sundown and thinks there is no such thing as having male friends. She says with men, you either love them or you hate them. I only want to go out every once in a while to the movies with friends, or just to have coffee.

I don't have a boyfriend, but she thinks any guy friend I have is a boyfriend. She has expressed to me that her preference would be for me to wait until I'm 25 to have a boyfriend. I have tried talking to her, but it doesn't work. I have tried coming home a little late, and she threatens to never let me go out again.

She has told me that she fears I'll get pregnant or married early and will never accomplish my career goals. I have assured her that won't happen, but she won't budge.

I am tired of trying to reassure her and getting yelled at for coming home at 10 p.m. Please don't suggest moving out, because that is absolutely not an option. Abby, what should I do? I have been a faithful reader of your column for seven years and trust your advice completely. -- CAGED UP IN LOS ANGELES

DEAR CAGED UP: I don't know whether your mother comes from another culture in which women traditionally have no freedom, or her relationships with men were so destructive that her perspective is distorted. By current standards, you should have been dating for several years.

It is unrealistic for your mother to expect you to make mature decisions concerning men and dating at age 25 if you've had no dating experience. Since moving is absolutely not an option, ask a contemporary of your mother's -- a relative, a clergyperson or a friend of hers -- to talk to her and explain what is normal for a 19-year-old girl.

DEAR ABBY: When I read the letter in your column about the theft of some items from a grave, it brought back painful memories of a similar incident.

My brother passed away suddenly at the young age of 39. He was a devoted St. Louis Cardinals fan and had all kinds of Cardinal memorabilia. When his body was discovered, he was wearing his cherished Cardinals jacket. It was a gift from his employees -- and he treasured it.

Because of the suddenness of his death, an autopsy had to be performed before his body was released to the mortuary. We were told at the time that his personal possessions would all be returned with the body; however, the jacket was not returned to us.

When we inquired, we were told that no one had seen it since his body was picked up. We telephoned the police, the coroner's office and the funeral home that transported his body. No one had the jacket.

I was amazed that not only do people steal from cemeteries, they also steal from dead people. -- BROKENHEARTED IN MISSOURI

DEAR BROKENHEARTED: It seems bizarre that people would steal from the deceased, but it's nothing new. Grave robbers have existed for thousands of years. Archaeologists frequently find graves stripped of valuables when they are excavating. It's deplorable, but unfortunately, some people have no respect for the dead.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: A few months ago, my husband passed away. I have a little money, but not a lot.

My 40-year-old, twice-divorced daughter wants me to help her buy a house. She has never been able to manage her money. She told me that if I didn't give her $50,000 for the house, I could forget her visiting me or helping me in any way.

I offered to loan her $20,000 for the down payment, but she turned that down and demanded the larger sum as a gift.

Abby, I am 69 years old and must provide for myself, and $50,000 is a lot of money. What should I do? -- MARTHA IN SOUTHEASTERN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR MARTHA: If you give in to your daughter's blackmail now, she will undoubtedly find some excuse to get the rest of your money. And I wouldn't bet on her visiting and helping you once the money is gone.

Face it, Martha, your daughter is manipulative and cold-hearted. Refuse to finance her home. Save your money for your needs and comfort, and look to other family members and friends for companionship and assistance should you need it.

DEAR ABBY: I have always been interested in comedy, so when I retired at 62, I entered a comedy contest in a cabaret in Encino, Calif. There were 475 young people in the contest and most of them looked at me as if to say, "Why aren't you home watching your arteries get hard?" Well, I made it to the finals and won. I got $1,000 and a nice write-up in the newspaper.

My wife and I moved to Las Vegas a year ago. A comedy contest was held at the Tropicana Hotel. I entered, and won again. I received $1,000 and a nice write-up in the Las Vegas paper.

Your attitude is what makes you old, whether it's in regard to your sense of humor or your everyday attitude. I know many elderly YOUNG people. They're chronologically young, but they have old ideas. If we judged people with our eyes closed instead of with a closed mind, you'd be surprised how the term "elderly" would disappear. -- PAUL ORKIN, LAS VEGAS

DEAR PAUL: If we judged people with our eyes closed instead of with closed minds, I'm sure many of the problems that plague us would disappear. Congratulations on your new career.

DEAR ABBY: Thank you for saying, again and plainly, "People have telephones in their homes for their own convenience, not for research and marketing firms." I agree, but because I don't want to act rudely, I've come up with a two-part response to "cold callers" like "M.B. in Belle Plaine, Iowa," who wrote to you.

During the afternoon and evening hours telemarketers seem to like, I screen some of my calls with my answering machine. I've told everyone I know that I do this. So far, no one I'd want to talk with has objected to announcing him or herself to the machine.

When I do pick up the phone and find myself listening to someone I don't know who wants to sell me something, I wait for a pause, then say, "Thanks for calling. I charge $135 an hour for phone consulting, with a two-hour minimum. Where should I send my bill?"

I have never heard any reply -- just a click and a dial tone. -- JOHN SHAFFER DIBELKA, SPRING VALLEY, CALIF.

DEAR JOHN: Apparently, your mother didn't raise any foolish children. Thanks for writing.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)