DEAR ABBY: I am the grandfather of a 2-year-old boy named Alexander. People tell me he is the spitting image of his father, my son. The child is big for his age and has a quick smile and eyes that sparkle with curiosity. I love my grandson more than he will ever know. Hardly a day goes by that he is not in my thoughts.

My heart aches because Alexander and I have never met. My son and Alexander's mother (both college graduates) became estranged shortly after the baby's birth, and his mother married someone else. Because my son gave up his parental rights, I lost my grandparental rights as well.

When the lawyers were sending letters back and forth, I hoped the outcome would allow me to become a grandfather. The day the judge made his decision, I was overcome with sorrow.

I find myself wondering how my grandson's language skills are developing, or how far he can throw a ball. It was mostly the lawyers who decided that Alexander and I wouldn't have a relationship. I was never asked how I felt about all of this, and they didn't ask my grandson either. If he were old enough to read this letter, I would want him to know that this separation wasn't my idea. -- A GRANDPA WITH A BROKEN HEART

DEAR GRANDPA: Yours is only one of the many heartbreaking letters I have received from grandparents who have been separated from their grandchildren for reasons beyond their control. Often in custody battles and adoptions, little consideration is given to the bonds between children and their grandparents.

In most states, it is possible for grandparents to petition for visitation with their grandchildren if parental rights have been surrendered and/or there has been a stepparent adoption. Before grandparents can petition for visitation, paternity must be established. A family lawyer can tell you if your state is one that allows grandparents to petition.

For more information on this and other grandparent/child issues, contact Grandparents United for Children's Rights Inc. This nonprofit organization is committed to pursuing recognition of the natural bond that exists between grandparents and grandchildren. Write to them at 137 Larkin St., Madison, Wis. 53705, or send e-mail to: sedun@inexpress.net.

DEAR ABBY: A friend wanted to come with her daughter and three teen-aged grandchildren to spend some time with me after Christmas. My home had just been redecorated, and I told her honestly that I was not set up to accommodate five guests. She laughed and said the teen-agers could camp out in the living room -- a room with brand-new off-white carpet.

I told her I was not comfortable with this arrangement. She became outraged, and in an extremely nasty way terminated our 20-year friendship.

Was I wrong to feel so protective of my new furniture and carpeting? And how can I put into perspective such an unpleasant rejection? -- GRIEVING IN HERMOSA BEACH, CALIF.

DEAR GRIEVING: Although you value the 20-year friendship, it obviously meant more to you than it did to your "friend." You had every right to decline the role of hostess to her, her daughter and the three teens. For her to have asked was an imposition.

Don't dwell on it. Putting it in a positive light, her "rejection" frees you to devote more time to someone who is a genuine friend.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Our grandfather is driving us bananas. He is in good health, retired and visits us every day. He is very good to us, but this everyday thing is taking a toll on us.

We love Grandpa dearly, but unless we make plans not to be home at the time of his daily visits, we are stuck listening to his opinion on everything -- and according to him, his opinion is the only right one.

We don't want to hurt his feelings, but we are on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Abby, how can we handle this sensitive problem? -- PERPLEXED GRANDDAUGHTER

DEAR PERPLEXED: Your grandfather obviously is lonely and bored. Call the local seniors center and find out what kind of programs they offer. Encourage Grandpa to check out the center. If they serve lunches for seniors, suggest he go for lunch a few times to make friends.

Also, look into volunteer needs at local hospitals, libraries and schools, and impress on Grandpa how much he is needed in those programs.

If Grandpa is interested in traveling, buy him some travel magazines and pick up some brochures from your travel agent. There are some interesting cruises and tours especially for seniors.

Use your imagination to come up with other projects to interest him. If he gets busy with others, he will probably have less time for visits to the family.

DEAR ABBY: I am a mother of three. The oldest is 9 years old. Although I don't know everything there is to know about parenting, I am hardly a novice.

I have been blessed with a youthful appearance, but that blessing is also a curse. I'm 36 but look 18, and I'm still asked for proof of age when I buy a bottle of cooking sherry. Also, because of my appearance, people assume that I know nothing about parenting and many of them proceed to offer advice. (Most advice-givers are older women, but a few older men do it, too.)

Abby, I find these encounters very annoying. I know my children and diligently tend to their needs. I neither need nor want the assistance or advice of strangers.

My advice to those who feel they must say something to a young mother: Say a prayer instead. -- THANKS BUT NO THANKS FOR ADVICE IN CHICAGO

DEAR THANKS: Every day I hear people complain that no one cares anymore. Obviously, those who offer you well-meaning advice care enough to want to help you. Give them credit for that. You may one day feel that sharing your experience could benefit a younger parent, and perhaps then you will see the gesture as less an intrusion and more a generosity of spirit.

DEAR ABBY: I have read your column many times and would like your advice on a problem I have.

I am 13 years old and am a partial vegetarian (I don't eat red meat or pork), which was my personal choice. When I eat at friends' or relatives' houses, they often serve red meat.

Most of my friends and family know what I eat, but when they forget, it is often a little embarrassing for me. I feel like I'm being ungrateful for not eating what they are serving me.

Abby, is this rude -- and what should I say when this happens? -- VEGGIE IN SIOUX CITY

DEAR VEGGIE: You are not being rude or ungrateful. Do not make an issue of it. Simply say, "The salad was delicious. May I please have a second helping?" (The same goes for the vegetable side dishes.)

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: A couple of days ago, my husband and I got into an argument. It led to fussing, yelling and cursing each other in front of our 8-month-old baby. When I thought the worst was over, he pushed me down, grabbed me by the ankles and dragged me over the kitchen floor. Then he left with our son and went to his parents' house. A few hours later, I looked in the bathroom mirror and saw that I had bruises from head to toe.

My husband says it would never have happened if I had kept my mouth shut! He says I nag him until he can't stand it and I drove him to do what he did. Now that the bruises on my legs and face are apparent, he has told his family that our son is ill, and it would be better if they waited a week or so to come over.

Somehow he makes out that I am the one who brings on his violent behavior. I admit I do let too much get to me sometimes, but please, Abby, tell me, am I to blame for his actions? Or is it just an excuse for his violent behavior? -- BRUISED AND CONFUSED

DEAR BRUISED: You are not responsible for your husband's physical abuse. If your husband didn't like something you said, he could have left the house to cool off. His insistence that it wouldn't have happened if you'd kept your mouth shut is a classic tactic of a batterer. Unless your husband is willing to get professional help, your marriage is in serious trouble -- and you, and possibly the baby -- are in physical danger.

This problem will not go away by itself. Do not remain silent and out of sight. Your family, his family and your friends should be told about the battering. You need all the support you can get. Photographic evidence would also be helpful.

When it happens again, the police should be notified immediately. And you should waste no time in getting away to family or friends or a battered women's shelter so you can decide what to do with the rest of your life -- without him. You are in my prayers.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 35-year-old single English teacher. During my lifetime, I have had many failed romances, but recently I have fallen in love again. The object of my affection is a history teacher at the school where I work. (I'll call him Richard.) He is absolutely the man of my dreams. He is handsome, charming, and we share the same interests. I am absolutely sure I want to spend the rest of my life with him.

I have been reluctant to ask Richard out because I fear it would be improper for two professional teachers who are co-workers to be involved in a relationship. I don't know what the headmaster would think about this. And what would the children we both teach think about our dating?

My decision rests with your opinion, Abby. What should I do? -- HOPELESSLY IN LOVE IN BOSTON

DEAR HOPELESSLY IN LOVE: Some schools have policies forbidding teachers in their employ to date one another. Ask your headmaster if there is such a policy at your school, or review the policies yourself. If there is no policy against it, ask Richard out. Remember the old truism: Nothing ventured, nothing gained. If he doesn't accept, you've lost nothing; but if he accepts, it could be the beginning of a love story.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)