DEAR ABBY: In the past three or four months, I have heard that a new addiction is about to be exposed in our society: sexual addiction. Just a few months ago on ABC's television news magazine "20/20," they devoted an entire segment to this subject.

I have been suspicious of my husband for years, but because of his ongoing difficulties with marijuana, alcohol, nitrous oxide, cocaine, and prescription diet and pain medications, I thought maybe the interest in sexually explicit magazines, movies, etc., just went with the territory. After the last go-around with chemical problems, he threw out all the pornography. I was relieved; then I recently discovered more hidden magazines. They are not the kind one picks up at the corner convenience store.

From what I've been able to ascertain, my sexual appetite is normal, but his seems insatiable. When we've been on vacation, relaxing and paying undivided attention to one another (no kids or interruptions), we can make love three or four times a day. And if I don't want to do it again a fifth time, according to him I have a problem! Often when he comes up to me to kiss me, he will grab me, which I have always indicated I don't like. He has always had poor sleep patterns, getting up and down several times during the night, and nearly every time he comes back to bed he tries to initiate sex. When I object and tell him I don't like to be awakened, he often berates and belittles me, sometimes calling me names and saying I'm frigid.

I think if he's getting his information from pornography, not only is it not what I'd call a scientific source, it's a perverted representation of what the majority of the population would call normal. Is this a common problem? I don't feel I am respected, cherished and showered with attention. I am usually tired. You can sign me ... FEELING USED IN GREAT FALLS, MONT.

DEAR FEELING USED: You must love your husband very much to have remained with him through all the tribulations you describe. Sex addiction is nothing new. I have known about it since the early 1980s, when I first learned of the existence of a 12-step fellowship of sex addicts called Sexaholics Anonymous (SA).

Operating in conjunction with SA are the S-ANON International Family Groups -- 12-step fellowships of people who have been affected by the sexual addiction of a family member or friend. A program such as this could provide comfort and direction for you.

S-ANON members are wives, husbands, children, parents, siblings, friends and even co-workers of sex addicts. Banding together in a program based on the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous, they work to resolve their common problems and to help others recover from the effects of another's sexual addiction.

There are no dues or fees for S-ANON membership. Anyone who is bothered by the sexual behavior of someone in the family is eligible to join. I urge you to attend some meetings.

Those who wish further information about S-ANON International Family Groups should write S-ANON I.F.G., P.O. Box 111242, Nashville, Tenn. 37222-1242, and include a check or money order (no cash, please) in the amount of $1 to cover postage and handling.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I read with great interest your answer to "Concerned in Florida," who was worried that her husband might rekindle a romance with his former high school flame (and later his fiancee), a woman they both see socially from time to time. You advised her that such a romance would be highly unlikely, since "Concerned" has had 40 years of a good marriage and so has the old flame.

Abby, your conclusion certainly sounds reasonable, but it is incorrect. I have spent the last four years researching more than 1,000 couples worldwide who have reunited after many years apart. I have learned that these reunions are quite common, and the flame can reignite at any point. One couple had been separated for 63 years!

As I reported in my book, "Lost and Found Lovers: Facts and Fantasies of Rekindled Romances," overall, 72 percent of these renewed loves stayed together, and the percentage was even higher if they had been first loves. These are very stable, joyous and sexually passionate relationships the second time around. However, you should inform your readers that over 30 percent of these couples began their reunions while one (or both) of them was married to someone else!

These lovers often tell me -- sometimes between sobs -- that they are in good marriages and love their spouses; they NEVER intended to find themselves in affairs. The lost lovers met again innocently, often with their spouses present, and none was prepared for the "old feelings" to return full force. They feel torn between their marriages and their lost-and-found lovers -- but not for long. Rekindled romances are emotional steamrollers; they choose the old flame in most cases, leaving their bewildered, devastated spouses behind.

My research project is the only study of lost-and-found lovers ever conducted. For the first time, there are norms for these renewed romances.

My advice, based on my years of study, is to encourage single, divorced or widowed individuals to look for sweethearts or old friends from their past, but to strongly discourage married people from doing so.

Abby, please warn your readers that there is NOTHING safe about meeting with a former sweetheart, no matter how innocent the intentions, or how many years have passed, or how strong the marriage seems to be.

If "Concerned in Florida" invites her husband's old flame to his surprise birthday party, she might get badly burned. -- NANCY KALISH, PH.D., PROFESSOR OF PSYCHOLOGY, CALIFORNIA STATE UNIVERSITY, SACRAMENTO, CALIF.

DEAR DR. KALISH: Thank you for informing me of what has to have been a fascinating study, and for wanting to warn my readers. In the light of your research, I would like to formally retract my advice to "Concerned in Florida." In the future I will warn my married readers that old flames are potentially combustible: They can ignite without warning, and leave a marriage in ashes.

So, don't play with fire!

For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I was upset when I read the letter from "Sally B." about bra straps. However, when I read the comments from other readers, I was furious!

I am a 50-year-old woman who wears a 34DD bra. Last year, I consulted a surgeon about breast reduction, but was told he wouldn't be able to take off enough for my insurance to pay for it.

He told me he would have to take off 5 ounces in order for them to pay for it -- and he could only remove 4 ounces without making me look bottom-heavy. They go by the average woman's height, which is 5 feet, 4 inches. I am only 5 feet tall, so until I can grow more chest, I'm out of luck.

During the hot summer months, wearing a bra is uncomfortable to say the least. I envy women who don't have to. The bras made to wear with tank tops have elastic straps. They don't work. Someone my size looks like a cow. Sure, having one made would do the trick, but a $50 bra is not in my budget. If I had that kind of money, I'd have the surgery.

Wasn't it said somewhere, "Judge not lest ye be judged"?

I'd be more than happy to let one of these flat-chested shrews walk a mile on a hot day with my boobs. -- CHRISTINE IN TACOMA

DEAR CHRISTINE: Before you give up on having breast reduction, get a second and third opinion about the medical necessity of the operation. If your breasts are so large they cause pain, surgery could be indicated. The doctors should write your insurance company stating the medical necessity for breast reduction, and request that the surgery be pre-authorized on that basis.

Another approach might be to ask your insurance agent to assist you in obtaining authorization.

DEAR ABBY: Who is "Sally B." to complain about bra straps showing? Abby, bras cost a lot of money these days, and they are beautiful.

I'm a teen who works part-time at a fast-food restaurant, and I worked for two whole days to pay for just one beautiful bra I wanted. When my beautiful bra strap shows, I think it's not only acceptable, but sexy, too. (I've even seen some teens wear black lace bras under open jackets or with vests, and it looked way cool!) -- CARRIE IN CLOVIS, N.M.

DEAR CARRIE: Beautiful undergarments are nothing new, but they are just that -- undergarments. If you want to show off something beautiful, save your money and flash your ever-expanding bank balance.

DEAR ABBY: I realize there are no absolutes in this world. However, I'd appreciate your opinion on the following question:

Can a man and a woman be friends if one of them is married? -- PONDERING IN PONTIAC, MICH.

DEAR PONDERING: Of course. Many married individuals have friends of the opposite sex. A stable marriage in which both partners really trust each other can accommodate friendships of either sex.

DEAR ABBY: You made the remark in defense of older people, "Just because there's snow on the roof doesn't mean there's no fire in the furnace."

Abby, a male neighbor recently made a similar remark about my graying hair. I replied, "The fire in the furnace depends upon the stoker."

He never mentioned my gray hair again. -- EVELYN POTTS, NEWPORT NEWS, VA.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)