DEAR ABBY: I have never written to you before, but I have a problem that I hope you can help me with. I have been married to the same man for almost 25 years. We are very happy and have a good life. My problem is my family. They constantly use the word "overburdened" when they describe me and intimate that it is my husband's fault.

I work full time, which they see as a problem. Quite honestly, I'd prefer to be a stay-at-home mom, but in today's world it takes two paychecks. My family knows the statistics, but believe that I'm forced to work because my husband is not a good enough provider. It doesn't help that my sister does not work and they think her husband is wonderful.

My husband works full time and helps around the house. I can't have a direct confrontation with my parents because of their declining health. I also realize it will probably be impossible to change their opinion, but I'd like to know how to handle their degrading remarks. -- HURT IN TULSA

DEAR HURT: The next time a disparaging remark is made about the fact that you are a working wife, say, "My husband is the light of my life. I have never been happier than I have been during the years of our marriage. I can't imagine why you think I am overburdened. And it hurts me when you make disparaging remarks about my life and the man I love."

DEAR ABBY: My situation was similar to that of "Single Dad in San Diego," whose drug-addicted former girlfriend neglected their son. Sadly, a child can be seriously affected by the neglect or emotional abuse of an unhealthy parent. Children who grow up with a chemically dependent parent carry lasting scars into adulthood, resulting in problems with intimacy, low self-esteem, depression, drug or alcohol abuse and more.

Rather than waste time complaining about my wife's behavior and the unfairness of the situation, I put my energies into helping myself and my son. I attended meetings of Al-Anon Family Groups and learned that I didn't have to be a victim, even if I was powerless to change her behavior. Her shame and denial prevented her from acknowledging how her son was being hurt, and she resisted my efforts to get help for him. Fortunately, I didn't give up.

I took my son to Alateen, where he received powerful and positive messages about his own self-worth, which helped to counteract the negative messages he was receiving as a result of his mother's inattentiveness. I also sought professional counseling for him which dealt with the specific problems that children of chemically dependent or emotionally unstable parents face.

It wasn't easy to find an affordable counselor who was willing to see a client on weekends (the only time my son was with me), but my persistence paid off. I was able to find someone who was of invaluable help to my son. He has learned to love his mother while disliking the symptoms of her illness, and he's much better off today than he would have been had I wasted my energy pointing the finger at her and bemoaning my fate. -- GRATEFUL IN SYRACUSE, N.Y.

DEAR GRATEFUL: Your son is fortunate to have a father as committed to him as you are. Your letter could serve as a road map for other noncustodial fathers who are struggling with this not uncommon problem.

Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: We live in earthquake country, and my family has always been prepared for any emergency that may occur. We have a large area in our basement containing bedding, clothing, food, water and medical supplies for a family of four.

We recently experienced a rather alarming tremor, and my neighbor called to express her fright. When I told her we were prepared for emergencies, she replied, "Well, great! Now we'll know where to come just in case."

Abby, how could I have answered her without being insulting? Surely neighbors should not be responsible for the welfare of others if they are capable of providing for themselves. -- SHOOK IN WASHINGTON STATE

DEAR SHOOK: You could have told your neighbor that in the event of a serious emergency, you and your family might be unable to provide for guests -- and if she hasn't already done so, she should see that her family is also prepared. It would have been an honest response, and also good advice.

DEAR ABBY: I am 71. One year ago I was healthy and leading a productive life. Then my car was rear-ended by a careless driver.

I would never have believed a person could suffer so much pain from what seemed like such a small accident. I have been in and out of the hospital several times, in such pain I could not cope with it. The doctor kept me so heavily sedated I remember very little (and sometimes nothing) about several weeks of my life.

To make a long story short: I now realize that I had become totally dependent on all the prescription drugs the doctor ordered. I decided to get off them, but it has been really hard.

I realize the doctor was trying to help me, but I was not aware of how dependent I had become. If I can't get off them, I will be a drug addict. Abby, that's not the way I want to live.

Sometimes the pain gets so bad it's hard not to go back on the pills, but with the help of the Lord and my nonprescription medicine, I'm doing pretty well -- which is better than the other way. -- TRYING TO GET UNHOOKED

DEAR TRYING: Although I respect the healing power of prayer, nonprescription drugs can also be harmful if they are taken in larger or more frequent doses than the directions indicate.

Please ask your doctor for a referral to a physician who specializes in pain management. There are other methods, such as biofeedback, which have been helpful in alleviating chronic pain. You could benefit greatly by checking this out. I wish you the best of luck.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I met on a bus and were married five weeks later. On June 9, we celebrated our 63rd wedding anniversary.

We had a wonderful dinner with champagne so we could toast each other -- and we have decided to celebrate our marriage with a similar celebration on the ninth of every month.

We think it's a good idea, because it's too long to wait for another full year to go by. -- LILI HOLLOPETER, PASADENA, CALIF.

DEAR LILI: I think your idea has merit. When two people love each other, every day is Thanksgiving and every night is New Year's Eve.

My belated good wishes on 63 years of wedded bliss. May you have many more happy years together.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have received many phone calls since the appearance of Carol A. Tauer's letter in your column. Her otherwise interesting and informative letter concerning the ethical implications of the Catholic Church's position on the seal of the confessional contained a couple of errors that I hope you will correct.

It is well known in the Bay Area professional community that I was the treating psychologist (not psychiatrist, as Ms. Tauer states) at Cowell Memorial Hospital on the University of California-Berkeley campus for the patient who murdered Tatina Tarasoff.

Ms. Tauer, an ethics teacher in a Catholic college, said in her letter, "On appeal, the California Supreme Court rejected the psychiatrist's argument supporting absolute confidentiality, saying that a psychiatrist had a duty to warn or protect an identifiable potential victim ..."

But Abby, I never argued for complete confidentiality. When the patient told me of his intention to kill Ms. Tarasoff, I immediately informed the local police (in this case, the University of California Campus Police Department) and wrote a legal letter of commitment (countersigned by the chief psychiatrist of our department) with the intent of hospitalizing my patient. This was exactly the procedure directed by law at that time (1969).

The campus police interviewed my patient and released him, stating that he was "harmless." I wrote a SECOND letter of commitment -- again to no avail -- and contacted the police several more times urging them to save Ms. Tarasoff. They refused to act, and the patient stabbed Ms. Tarasoff to death.

Ms. Tauer's letter implies that I sat back passively, allowing a brutal and unnecessary murder to occur. The truth is I fought vigorously (but unsuccessfully) to prevent this act. Probably, Ms. Tauer refers to a "friend of the court" brief offered by the American Psychiatric Association in which they (not I) argued for complete confidentiality. -- LAWRENCE EARLE MOORE, PH.D., SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR DR. MOORE: Thank you for your letter. I received a great deal of mail concerning the issue of confidentiality, reflecting heated opinions on both sides of the question.

However, I want to make one point absolutely clear to my readers: You did, in fact, warn the police on at least two occasions. You did NOT rely upon any claim of confidentiality to keep the threats secret.

The Supreme Court opinion cited by Ms. Tauer does not make clear that you attempted to have the patient committed and did not keep the matter confidential.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 62-year-old man who has been divorced for 25 years. I recently retired on a modest income and would like to travel twice a year to various places.

The problem is when I see an ad or a bargain on travel prices, it is so much per person, double occupancy. I enjoy my solitude and would prefer to take these trips alone. Aren't there more options for a single person other than singles cruises that don't penalize one for traveling alone? I would appreciate any information you can provide. -- TROUBLED TOURIST

DEAR TROUBLED TOURIST: Several travel agents confirmed that there are no price breaks for people traveling alone. Rooms and/or cabins are made to accommodate a minimum of two people, and hotels or cruise lines lose money when space is provided to one individual. Single travelers are therefore charged a "single supplement," which is approximately 65 percent of the double occupancy rate. Regrettably, those who travel alone must pay a price for solitude.

If there are options that I'm not aware of, I'm sure my readers will let me know.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)