DEAR ABBY: My sister calls me a "party pooper" because I seldom attend our family's social gatherings, of which there are many. If a fly dies, they throw a party.

My family think of themselves as "fun people," but the truth is, they'll use any excuse to drink. This is their choice, but it's not mine.

I don't enjoy Mom and Dad's slurred attempts at conversation during these get-togethers. Nor do I like watching Aunt Millie trip over herself on the dance floor, Uncle Jim telling off-color jokes or his wife laughing like a hyena.

It was bad enough when I had to observe this behavior when I was growing up, but I have drawn the line at having my children witness this disgraceful conduct.

Am I wrong in trying to protect my children from these scenes? -- EMBARRASSED IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR EMBARRASSED: No. Not only are you protecting your children, you are also sparing your relatives from embarrassing themselves in front of the children, with whom they may wish to have a relationship in the future. Should any of them sober up someday, they may thank you.

DEAR ABBY: The letter written by "Been There in Florida," the mother who was concerned that her son might inherit his father's abusiveness, was right on the money. I am a mother who stayed in an abusive marriage "for the sake of the children."

Finally, after 23 years, I left that marriage when I realized that my life was at stake. I left when the children went off to college, and I started over with no financial help from my husband. I was still too emotionally involved to see the damage it had done to the children.

I now realize staying in the abusive marriage did not benefit my children. My son has spent time in prison for his aggressive behavior toward his girlfriend and now must attend anger management counseling for three years. My son and former husband are master manipulators. Both father and son can be charming, and then on a moment's notice and without any provocation turn into angry, aggressive, abusive monsters.

My daughter is afraid she will marry someone like her father. She has no faith in her ability to judge people; she doesn't stand up for herself and tends to minimize abusive behavior. She will do anything to keep the peace. Her low self-esteem is due to the abuse she received from her father and brother while she was growing up.

Living in an abusive marriage is also very lonely. My definition of loneliness is being in the company of someone, yet feeling entirely alone because no intimacy exists.

I have now built a new life, and although it is filled with peace, tranquility, honesty and happiness, I'm sad to say it is without my son and the financial advantages I once had. We make our own quality of life when we leave an abusive situation. Perhaps it's not as comfortable financially, but it's far more gratifying, and definitely more peaceful. -- L.P. IN WRIGHTWOOD, CALIF.

DEAR L.P.: Congratulations on having built a new life. Children benefit from living in an emotionally nourishing environment. It's easy to say that children need a two-parent household in order to become healthy adults; however, evidence has shown that children raised in an environment of tension, conflict and abuse often repeat these behaviors in adulthood, or become withdrawn and depressed and take on the role of victim.

For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a woman in my early 40s, and I have been involved with "Rick" for so many years I have lost count. He has been separated from his wife since before I met him, but he has not divorced her. Rick is at my place all the time except when he sees his son. Neither his son nor any of his family knows about me. His mother died recently, and it hurt not to accompany him to her funeral. But, of course, I couldn't attend because his family would find out he has a girlfriend.

Sometimes Rick has different days off work than I do. I don't know what he does on those days, but I've heard that he sees other women. I know for a fact that he keeps in touch with his former girlfriend.

Rick thinks I am content with the status quo, but I feel my life is one big lie. I'm tired of being nothing more than a convenience; however, I've been with him so long, I don't know how to move on.

Abby, please tell me how to get on with my life -- sans Rick -- without hurting his feelings. Sign me ... TIRED OF THE STATUS QUO

DEAR TIRED: Why should you be concerned about hurting Rick's feelings? He has no qualms about hurting yours by denying your existence to his family and friends. Face the fact that Rick has no intention of making a commitment. If he did, he would be divorced and dating you openly.

Since you are no longer content to be hidden, summon the courage to leave, and give yourself the opportunity to meet a man who will make a commitment to you. You may suffer for a while, but time is a great healer, and when you find your Prince Charming, you will be glad you cut Rick out of your life. Trust me.

DEAR ABBY: I am not sure who to consult about an embarrassing habit. I am a 30-year-old male who wants to stop sucking his thumb.

Research at public libraries and bookstores has led nowhere. I seek your advice or referral for where I can obtain self-help literature or professional help for my problem. If there is a charge for your service, please let me know. I remember having read something in your column years ago about adults who suck their thumb. Thanks for your consideration. -- PHIL IN OREGON

DEAR PHIL: There is no charge for my advice. What you need is behavior modification. Try this: Put a rubber band loosely on your wrist. When the urge to suck your thumb strikes, snap the rubber band hard enough to remind you to resist the habit. Soon you will associate the "sting" with the urge to suck your thumb, and because of the discomfort, you will reject the urge.

DEAR ABBY: You recently published a letter from a man whose wife had been buying him panty girdles for the last six years because she couldn't find a support garment for men. I am delighted to tell you that products designed specifically for men do exist.

These "trimmers" are advertised in catalogs such as SelfCare, Dr. Leonard's, The Vermont Country Store, Voice of the Mountains and Walter Drake -- to mention a few.

The problem with men using products designed for women is that there are obvious anatomical differences that are not accommodated in the women's versions. These design differences can lead to major, long-term problems for a gentleman's health and well-being.

How do I know this? I am an engineer who was presented the challenge (by a team of doctors) of building a comfort solution for men's briefs. I am the first woman in the world to hold utility patents on men's underwear. No joke. Three years of development research have made the need for socially embarrassing adjustments a thing of the past.

If your curiosity is piqued, stop by our Web site at www.e2u.com. -- CYNTHIA DUNNING MICHELS, FOUNDER, ERGO INC.

DEAR MS. MICHELS: Congratulations for having the foresight to recognize an expanding market. I wish you continued success.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I was interested to read the letter about genital warts from "Keeping My Pants On in Florida." As a gynecologist, I agree that prevention of sexually transmitted disease is the best solution to this enormous medical problem.

The same sexually transmitted virus that causes genital warts (HPV) is the most common cause of cervical cancer. The more sexual partners you have had, or the more partners your partner has had, the greater your risk of coming into contact with this virus.

Another important risk is the age at which a person becomes sexually active, since during adolescence the cells of the cervix are more susceptible to this infection. Therefore, intercourse at an early age increases the risk of getting cervical precancer and cancer.

HPV is often detectable during a regular gynecologic examination. A routine Pap smear is a fairly effective way to find this virus on the cervix, long before it has caused cervical cancer.

Treatment for both genital warts and abnormal Pap smears can be easily performed in the doctor's office with minimal discomfort. Hysterectomy is rarely necessary. And the development of cervical cancer and death is avoidable if women will simply have yearly examinations and Pap smears. -- WILLIAM H. PARKER, M.D., SANTA MONICA, CALIF.

DEAR DR. PARKER: Thank you for this information. Since many people suffer from genital warts, I'm sure it will be appreciated. You are not the only medical professional who wrote to comment about the letter from "Keeping My Pants On in Florida." Read on for another response:

DEAR ABBY: The man in Florida who acquired genital warts from his girlfriend after having sex with her for the first time was under the false assumption that had he used a condom he would not have contracted this virus.

Condoms are ineffective in preventing the transmission of genital warts or herpes. They are transmitted by intimate skin-to-skin contact in areas that the condom does not cover. These viruses also shed beyond the "protected" area. Transmission of genital warts can also occur through secondary contact, such as fondling, foreplay and petting.

Abby, please make this clear to your readers: The 12 percent failure rate of condoms in the prevention of pregnancy alone argues against their use for preventing an incurable or fatal disease. People must understand the ineffectiveness of condoms. The only safe sex is a mature, mutually monogamous relationship with an uninfected partner. If people choose otherwise, they should be aware of the risks involved. -- SALLY BEACH, R.N., LAKE WORTH, FLA.

DEAR SALLY BEACH: Thank you on behalf of my readers for the warning. Although it may be tempting to proceed in the heat of passion, it's wiser to wait until after a period of cool reflection before consummating a sexual relationship.

CONFIDENTIAL TO OUTSIDER IN GULFPORT, MISS.: Don't give up on finding your niche. You are not alone. Bette Midler once said: "I didn't belong as a kid, and that always bothered me. If only I'd known that one day my differentness would be an asset, my early life would have been much easier."

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)