DEAR ABBY: You responded to "Worried in Texas," a 12-year-old boy who was concerned about how to avoid getting into a fight at school, that he should sign up for self-defense lessons.

Although it's important for the boy to have confidence in his ability to defend himself, your advice reflects traditional thinking that does little to address the problem of fighting at school. It is important for the boy to realize that he has other options.

Your sage advice is read by millions daily. Therefore you are in a unique position to help shape societal changes that could lead to an emphasis on nonviolence. Schools can play a vital role in teaching students alternative methods to address the age-old problem of bullies and fighting. Schools must provide a safe, caring environment if we expect effective learning to take place. It is a primary concern for parents and educators.

There are now thousands of schools across this nation where effective conflict resolution training and peer mediation programs have been successfully implemented. Students in elementary and secondary schools have been trained in dispute resolution skills. Such training empowers them to resolve problems peacefully and to assist their peers to do the same. Children and young adults are open to learning new skills, which can then effect positive change in their communities when they apply those skills.

I hope that "Worried in Texas" will go beyond the step of taking a self-defense course and suggest to his school principal that they start a peer mediation program together. He could significantly change the culture in his school through such action and possibly prevent younger children from having to deal with the same problem. As Mohandas K. Gandhi said, "If we wish to create a lasting peace, we must begin with the children."

For further information on school-based conflict resolution programs, contact the National Institute for Dispute Resolution, 1726 M St. NW, Suite 500, Washington, D.C. 20036-4502. -- LEO HOGAN, ED.D., ASSISTANT PRINCIPAL, SHORECREST HIGH SCHOOL, SHORELINE, WASH.

DEAR DR. HOGAN: I know you are on target about this. Dispute resolution training as a method of resolving conflict and reducing violence is a concept that originated with the Quakers and has gained popular acceptance since the mid- to late-1970s.

I contacted the National Institute for Dispute Resolution (NIDR) and was impressed to find that in a 1995 statewide survey of high schools in California, more than 70 percent of respondents indicated that student peer mediation programs reduce the incidence of suspension; and a majority of respondents also believe that the programs reduce violence. And a 1992 study of a conflict resolution in New York reported a 50 percent decline in student assaults. That's impressive!

Thank you for a letter I am sure will interest many parents, teachers and school administrators.

DEAR ABBY: Before my husband and I were married, he showered me with gifts large and small. After we married, it became my duty to send the cards and buy the gifts for family and friends.

My birthday, Mother's Day and Christmas would go by with no gift or card. I would suffer in silence, getting more and more depressed as the time went by.

Finally, after several years of this, I decided not to allow my feelings to be hurt any longer. Two weeks before the big day, I would remind him, "My birthday is in a couple of weeks, and I'd really like that dress we saw or those beautiful earrings. Why don't we go out for dinner at (blank)?"

It worked! I was happy and he was beaming with all the praise. After 37 years, he hasn't caught on yet. -- MRS. D. IN FLORIDA

DEAR MRS. D.: That's an excellent, nonconfrontational solution to a very common problem. Thanks for sharing it.

Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 16-year-old mother. After a two-year relationship the father of my daughter left me and will have nothing to do with me or the baby. Then I was diagnosed with kidney disease and my life completely fell apart. My parents have custody of my daughter until I can get on my feet.

I dropped out of school a year ago and haven't been able to find a job. Now I'm trying to get my life back together and get back in school. However, my high school will not let me re-enroll. The principal told my mother, "Those students usually do better in a program where they go to school for only three hours a day and don't need as many credits to graduate." I guess they think if you have a baby, you don't have a brain.

Abby, I was a straight-A student in gifted and talented programs. I took my SAT in seventh grade.

I want to go back to school, but I'm frustrated and don't know what to do. Should I give up, or should I fight for my education? -- FRUSTRATED 16-YEAR-OLD IN NORFOLK, VA.

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Fight for your education; you have what it takes to be a winner. Hang in there, and good luck.

DEAR ABBY: I think you were way off base in your response to "Conservative Mom." She asked if she should talk with her 19-year-old college-age daughter about a receipt for the hotel room she had found bearing the names of her daughter and her daughter's boyfriend. You told the mother that her daughter is an adult who has a right to make her own decisions.

I wonder if this "adult" is paying her way through college. Is she fully on her own, having cut the umbilical cord to her parents' purse strings? Is she so wise and worldly at 19 that she knows everything there is to know about dating and sex?

The hotel receipt could have provided an opportunity for the mother to bring up the subject of dating and sex and to perhaps share her own dating experiences with her daughter.

My wife and I are both 31, and she has a 19-year-old sister in college. When we learned that she had been sleeping over at her boyfriend's, we made it clear that we thought it was a bad idea because others in her dorm would assume they were having sex, even though she said "nothing" was happening. Should we have kept silent until she became pregnant because she's an "adult"? I only THOUGHT I was wise and worldly at 19.

Parents need to set examples, Abby. To think that a 19-year-old is an adult in every sense of the word is ridiculous.

Everyone can use some guidance once in a while, especially in this day and age when promiscuity seems to be widely accepted. To say that "Conservative Mom" has no business in her daughter's personal affairs and should not offer advice is absurd. -- DISAPPOINTED IN TUSTIN, CALIF.

DEAR DISAPPOINTED: I did not say that "Conservative Mom" had no business in her daughter's personal life, nor do I agree that finding the hotel receipt was the proper opening to bring up the subject of dating and sex. While there are any number of reasons why a young woman should be advised against sleeping with her boyfriend, what others in the dorm might think seems to be one of the least important.

Sexual activity, with the responsibilities and possible consequences that it brings, should have been addressed long before she graduated from high school. To bring it up now, with hotel receipt in hand, would only make her defensive.

I agree that few people are entirely worldly-wise at 19. People continue to grow and learn as long as they live.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm a single male in my late 20s. I live in a tree-lined subdivision that borders on a common grounds wooded area with a running path. My bathroom has two windows, each one foot wide and six feet high. Since the bathroom faces the wooded area, I never felt it was important to close the blinds while getting dressed in the morning.

The other day I found a videotape in my mailbox, along with a short, nonthreatening note, apparently from one of my neighbors. It read, "Thanks for the show ... and for giving me a reason to get up on time every morning to run. I'm not asking you to stop; I just thought you'd like to know how easy it is to see you in the morning when it's dark out. See you tomorrow? Ha ha."

Abby, my problem isn't the embarrassment of someone seeing me in the nude; it goes beyond that. The video was 27 minutes long. It started the moment I turned on my bathroom light, which means this neighbor sat outside waiting for me, and must have been just inches away from my window, as you rarely see the vertical blinds. The video covers my whole morning routine, from going to the bathroom, brushing my teeth, shaving and 15 minutes in the shower. This was far from a video that was shot from a distance. There were close-ups that filled the television screen.

I am very uncomfortable and worried about security, and what my neighbor could do with a copy of the tape. I'm a new homeowner here and don't want to get talked about around the neighborhood.

Abby, what should I do? -- IN LIVING COLOR IN ROYAL OAK, MICH.

DEAR IN LIVING COLOR: CLOSE THE BLINDS!

DEAR ABBY: Since I retired, I've become my wife's prisoner. If I want to explore a hardware store, watch a stock ticker, go fishing or play golf, I am called "selfish" and "inconsiderate." She also gets upset if I don't want to follow her around the shopping mall. (I do plenty of that, by the way.)

I am 67, and my wife is 63. We both drive and each have our own car, so it's not like she's tied to the house.

Am I wrong to want some "space" sometimes? -- CAPTIVE HUSBAND IN COLORADO

DEAR CAPTIVE: Every couple benefits from some time alone. It gives them more to talk about when they are together. As long as you devote a portion of the day exclusively to your wife and her needs, she should have no objection if you go off by yourself occasionally.

Books are available at the library on how to handle retirement. Check some out and educate yourself.

DEAR ABBY: I'm being married soon to a wonderful man. Because of expenses, we decided to go to a justice of the peace and have a reception afterward for the families.

My problem: A few years ago I was engaged to be married. I was pregnant, so my family felt I should be married, not merely engaged. Rather than standing up to them, I lied and said we had eloped.

My family gave us a huge wedding reception with all the trimmings. After the baby was born, I left my fiance and subsequently confessed to my parents that we were not actually married. Needless to say, it made them feel "used."

Now that I am getting married, I am not sure whether to invite my family to the reception, or simply send wedding announcements afterward. What do you think, Abby? -- WHAT A TANGLED WEB IN TRENTON, N.J.

DEAR TANGLED WEB: If you pay for the reception yourself, you are free to invite whomever you wish. If your parents still harbor ill feelings, they are free to decline the invitation. Let's hope they are willing to let bygones be bygones.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)