DEAR ABBY: I have been married for three years and love my husband dearly; however, I'm very close to leaving him. Why? Because I feel invisible. I'm a good wife and do everything within my power to make him happy, but when he comes home from work, he greets me with a "hi" -- then he greets our three dogs with petting and words of love. This infuriates me! It's so painful I have to leave the room.

As of three months ago, my husband decided he sleeps better without me, so we've been sleeping apart. I know he works hard at his job, and it's important for him to get a good night's sleep, but that's no excuse for his behavior toward me. Our sex life has practically come to a halt. I expressed my feelings to him, only to be ignored. When I get affectionate with him, he pushes me away saying, "Not now, honey, I'm too tired."

Abby, I don't claim to be the perfect wife, but the house is always immaculate and the laundry is never piled up. I make hot meals daily and our pets are well-groomed and cared for. I am not drop-dead gorgeous, but I get my share of looks and remarks. I will not seek what I need from other men, but I won't spend the rest of my life in a marriage that consists of domestic duties and nothing more.

My husband never misses your column. Hopefully, he'll see my letter, realize how hurt I am, and change his ways. Sign me ... DESPERATE FOR ADVICE IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR DESPERATE: For the sake of your marriage, it is imperative that you find out exactly what happened three months ago that changed the dynamics of your relationship with your husband. He is behaving like a selfish, insensitive clod. Before you walk out, tell him how you feel and offer him the option of marriage counseling.

DEAR ABBY: Law enforcement officers and their actions have been and always will be targets for criticism, skepticism and controversy. Two of the most newsworthy topics involving law officers are the use of physical force and deadly force on criminals. It is easy for the general public or the media to second-guess what was right or wrong. They have hours or days to do it -- while an officer has only seconds. The stakes are high on the street. Hesitation or a wrong decision may very well cost an officer his/her life. This brings me to a recent letter you published:

"Wayne in Santa Rosa, Calif." said he thinks cops should carry tranquilizer guns instead of firearms. Well, Wayne, in our "Wild Kingdom," the animals -- a.k.a. car-jackers, armed robbers and drug dealers -- carry guns. REAL guns. And they do not hesitate to use them on innocent people, as well as on cops. The animals you see on "Wild Kingdom" are potentially dangerous because they are instinctively trying to protect their lives or the lives of their offspring. The "animals" we deal with are predators -- preying on innocent, honest citizens, and they are dangerous because they choose to be.

Abby, it's obvious that Wayne is ignorant of how violent these people can be, and how quickly a situation can turn on an officer in any given situation. I can only suggest that he get a job in law enforcement, because I'm sure his outlook on tranquilizer guns would change.

Law enforcement can always use good advice on how to improve. Most of us and our bosses welcome good advice. But tranquilizer guns? I'm 30 years old, have been a cop for eight years, and I thought I'd heard it all. -- CPL. DONALD PALLISER, ST. TAMMANY PARISH SHERIFF'S OFFICE, COVINGTON, LA.

DEAR CPL. PALLISER: Be patient. By the time you're ready to hang up your firearm, you'll have heard more.

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DEAR ABBY: I recently had major surgery. After the operation, my surgeon advised me that I had a genetic defect which had complicated the procedure. He advised me to notify my children so they could be checked for it.

I notified my four children and they all have a similar problem. Here is my dilemma:

When I was in college, I foolishly had an affair with an older man and became pregnant. I couldn't support a child at that time, so I chose to give my son up for adoption. Because of my genetic defect, I decided to attempt to locate this child to let him know about it. I hired a private detective who soon located him, but his adoptive mother had told him I died shortly after he was born.

When I married him 30 years ago, my husband knew I'd had a child, but the subject has been taboo ever since our wedding. None of my children know they have a half-brother.

Should I contact my son even though he thinks his birth mother is dead? I'm sure it would be upsetting to learn that his adoptive mother lied to him. He may need to know about the problem that runs in our family. Please advise me. -- TORN IN TOLEDO

DEAR TORN: Since the information could affect your son's health, it's important that he know about your medical history. You do not have to meet with him to give him the information. Ask your surgeon to write a letter to your son which covers the family medical history.

Your son will probably be shocked to learn that his adoptive mother lied, but he may want to get in touch with you. Many adoptees feel the need to meet their birth parents in order to feel "complete." Experts have told me that the vast majority of birth parents and children who have been reunited were gratified with the outcome.

DEAR ABBY: You printed a letter from a woman asking questions about her grandchild traveling unattended on an airplane to visit her.

You might be interested to know that the American Automobile Association has prepared a brochure addressing this situation. It's titled "Flying Alone: Handy Advice for Kids Traveling Solo." Parents interested in obtaining a free copy of the informative brochure should send a long, business-sized (No. 10), self-addressed, stamped envelope to: AAA, Flying Alone -- MS75, 1000 AAA Drive, Heathrow, Fla. 32746. -- JERRY CHESKE, DIRECTOR, PUBLIC RELATIONS, AAA NATIONAL OFFICE, HEATHROW, FLA.

DEAR MR. CHESKE: I think the little booklet is a dandy for any parent who is contemplating sending an unaccompanied child anywhere by air. It gives helpful tips about what to expect at the airport, lists the various age restrictions for unaccompanied minors, and offers suggestions concerning what to say and do prior to the child boarding the plane. Thanks for letting my readers know it's available. And the price is right -- it's free!

DEAR ABBY: I am 30 and engaged to a 28-year-old woman I'll call Sharon. Her best friend, "Janie," asks very personal questions, like "How often do you two have sex?"

Sharon will lie to her and reply "Twice a month." I'm not there when Janie asks these questions, but I hear about it afterward from Sharon. I resent the questions and prefer that Sharon ignore her and pretend she didn't hear the question.

Sharon reasons that if she tells her friend a lie and the woman knows it's a lie, it will keep her guessing. I feel it is none of her business and doesn't deserve a response. How do you think this should be handled? -- BOB IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR BOB: Ask Sharon, "What's wrong with telling your friend that you do not care to respond to such personal questions?"

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DEAR ABBY: My 3-year-old son recently threw a tantrum in a large department store. I had called a "time-out," and he started yelling and screaming.

I picked him up and started for the car. All the while, he cried and struggled to get away from me. At one point, I put him down to get a better hold on him. He threw himself on the floor and lay flat. It's not easy to pick up a heavy child who won't cooperate, but I managed, then took him to the car to finish his time-out.

After the episode was over, it struck me that not one person questioned whether this child, who was trying so desperately to get away from me, was mine! How did they know whether he was throwing a tantrum or if, perhaps, I was kidnapping him?

Although I'm grateful no one tried to interfere, I'm also alarmed that they didn't.

Did I do the right thing when my son threw that tantrum, Abby? Or was there a better way to handle this? I'm a young mother, and if there's a better way, I'd like to know. -- CARING PARENT IN ARIZONA

DEAR CARING: Under the circumstances, you handled the situation appropriately, and I agree, it is alarming that the public accepts without question a child being forcibly carried from a public place.

Although it is unlikely a kidnapper would want to draw attention by forcing a screaming child out the door of a department store, if customers observe a suspicious situation, store clerks or management should be notified immediately. Most stores have policies to deal with such incidents. Should police intervention be necessary, management would be able to initiate security procedures and could reach emergency services faster than customers.

The National Committee to Prevent Child Abuse shared the following tips for parents, which you and others might find useful. Read on:

HOW TO HAVE A HAPPY SHOPPING EXPERIENCE WITH CHILDREN

1. Establish "rules for shopping" before leaving home. If you have a "no candy" rule, be clear and consistent about it. Review the rules periodically so they are familiar to even small children.

2. Take along a favorite toy or book, or a surprise treat to eat during the shopping trip.

3. Make up "store" games that engage the child. A suggestion: As you select fruits and vegetables or canned foods at the market, ask the child, "What could we make from oranges?" "What could we make from apples?"

4. Let the children know ahead of time that good behavior while shopping will earn them a treat later in the day.

5. Try not to let a shopping trip interfere with the children's naps or mealtimes. Plan your outing when children are well rested and not hungry.

6. Reinforce good behavior. Let your child know you appreciate his or her willingness to cooperate.

7. If the child misbehaves, remove him or her to a more private place to discuss the behavior. Avoiding a public scene will make you (and the child) feel better.

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