DEAR ABBY: In 1985, I met a woman I grew to care for very much. She and her 9-year-old son from a previous marriage moved into my home. Within weeks, without prior discussion with me, she became pregnant and quit her job. For the next four years I supported her, our child and her older son, even though she was collecting child support from her former husband.

After counseling and considerable agony, it became obvious that this woman was a user and incapable of a healthy relationship. She moved out in 1989, and we worked out a joint-custody arrangement for our 3-year-old son "Josh." I was required to pay her $600 a month in child support.

A year later she disclosed that she had been addicted to drugs the entire time we were together. While I supported her son, she had spent his support check on drugs.

During the last seven years, she started, but never completed, several drug rehabilitation programs, and she has frequently uprooted the children as she moved from relationship to relationship and place to place. All the while, I've been paying child support and giving her thousands of dollars besides.

One recent afternoon, she came by my office to pick up the child-support check and mentioned she'd moved in with another boyfriend and was living rent-free. She was proud that Josh finally had a room of his own, but mentioned that he was sleeping on the floor because he didn't have a bed. I said, "Wait a minute ... you've been collecting child support for seven years, living rent-free for the past several months, and Josh is sleeping on the FLOOR? You haven't bought him something as basic as a bed?"

She replied, "I needed that money to square myself away." Then she added, "And you know what? I can spend that money on anything I want and legally there's nothing you can do about it!"

Josh confirmed this on the way home from school later that day, but defended his mom and said, "It's OK, Dad. I have a (borrowed) sleeping bag." It broke my heart. (Josh now has a bed.)

Abby, while a lot of attention is focused on "deadbeat dads," let's be mindful of the fact that the male gender has no monopoly on "deadbeats." -- SINGLE DAD IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR SINGLE DAD: Your son may need more than money and the bed you have provided for him. His mother is hardly a model of responsible behavior. Rather than blaming your ex-girlfriend, you, as the more responsible parent, should be talking with your lawyer about increasing your visitation or obtaining full custody. The more opportunity your son has to live in a healthy environment, the better his chances are for a successful future.

DEAR ABBY: Last year, my daughter had a boyfriend living with her, using her car, etc. His favorite excuse was, "I have no money." He also was smart enough not to have any credit cards. My daughter paid for everything, or charged it on her credit cards. Dinners, clothes, concert tickets, his car repairs -- it went on eight months. Then he left town with a good job offer.

My daughter itemized all she had spent on him, which came to about $3,000. Then she sent him the list. He wrote back saying he hadn't asked her for a thing!

Did she learn her lesson? No, she's now in an identical relationship. She's one foolish person, thinking she has to buy men so they'll like her.

I have talked myself blue in the face telling her that she can't afford all this generosity. I know she's responsible for her own actions, but in my day, the man paid for everything. Any hope for her? -- FRUSTRATED MOM IN DENVER

DEAR FRUSTRATED MOM: Times have changed a bit since your day. Today, many couples share expenses instead of the man bearing the entire burden.

Your daughter, however, has some serious self-esteem issues. Playing the role of "sugar momma" may foster dependence, but it won't buy love. She's making an investment that has a notoriously low return. The money would be far better spent on counseling.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My purse, containing all my personal identification, was recently stolen. Without my ID, trying to prove I exist has been a frustrating experience.

I was unable to convince the Motor Vehicle Bureau and must go through the whole application process again. I notified the police department about my loss, closed my checking account and canceled all my charge cards.

Also in my purse was a booklet that is vital to my health. On the cover it stated, "If lost, by your mercy, please drop in any mailbox and the family will gladly pay the postage." It has not turned up. As an active octogenarian, my faith in common decency is shaken.

The Social Security office insisted on past medical records, which required my making two trips. My Social Security card and Medigap cards will arrive in due time.

Abby, perhaps your readers can learn from my experience. Tell them to photocopy all charge cards, front and back, and also their car registration and license, a voided check, their Social Security cards, health cards and health records. It can save them untold time and frustration in case there's a loss or theft. -- BELLEFONTE, PA., READER

DEAR READER: It's not necessary for me to tell my readers. You have done it, and very succinctly. However, I'd add one more suggestion: Keep the photocopies in a secure place such as a safe-deposit box.

DEAR ABBY: It gripes me that there's a continuing tendency in the movies and on television to misrepresent the South. Our part of the country seems to be a favorite lampoon target. If we can't laugh at ourselves, we have no right to laugh at anyone. But there are several common portrayals of Southern life that sho' 'nuff rile me!

A common mistake that's made by actors and actresses impersonating Southerners is to use the term "y'all," while speaking to and about only one person. Abby, everyone should know that "y'all" is a contraction of "you all," and obviously is plural. If we say "y'all" to an individual, we are referring to that person and at least one other.

We realize y'all like our accent, and we appreciate it. But a fake Southern accent is like fingernails on a chalkboard. Do it right or don't do it! Hire a true Southerner to advise.

We really can pronounce the letter "r" at the end of a word. We seldom use the phrase "li'l ol'." Few of us go by a double first name, such as "Jim Bob" or "Billy John." Some of us have never tasted a mint julep or sat in a magnolia tree. A number of us regularly wear shoes, at least in winter, and hardly anyone wears overalls anymore (not to church, anyway). Indoor plumbing is almost common now, and inbreeding is actually frowned upon in most circles.

I heard of a woman not far from Birmingham who scored above average on an IQ test! Not to brag, but I, myself, can correctly identify either of those letters three times out of four! Some Southerners don't even like grits. Usually, such people are accepted by society anyhow, except at really important affairs.

I hope this helps you Yankees, etc., to understand us ignorant Southerners a little better. After all, we can't all be fortunate enough to be born north of the Mason-Dixon line. So go ahead and laugh at us. But please do it with respect. Remember that we're trying to understand you, too. And we often do. Except when you talk.

Y'all come! -- BAMA BUBBA

DEAR BAMA BUBBA: You have stated your case very well -- and you have an excellent sense of humor. I'm reminded of the lyric from an old Phil Harris song: "And that's what I like about the South ..."

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DEAR ABBY: I work in a domestic violence/sexual assault center in Pennsylvania. After reading the letter from "Sick and Tired of Voluntary Victims in Oregon," may I offer some facts?

Women who are in abusive relationships are not "stupid." Abuse is sinister and can sneak into a relationship. Getting out is difficult because many women have strong emotional attachments to their partners, and don't want to acknowledge that they are being abused. Abusers are highly manipulative. They may repeatedly promise never to do it again, threaten suicide if the woman leaves, threaten to harm the kids if she leaves, or not allow her to hold a job so she cannot save money to escape. They also may deny her access to transportation.

Sometimes the abuse begins when the woman becomes pregnant. Many women in abusive relationships have no choice about whether to use birth control, especially if the man controls the finances and doesn't allow her enough money to purchase birth control. Also, women in abusive relationships may not have the option to say no to sex.

As for the women who manage to leave -- a few statistics:

Studies in Philadelphia and Chicago reveal that almost one-fourth of women killed by male partners were separated or divorced and 28.6 percent of the women were attempting to leave the relationship.

According to the Pennsylvania Coalition Against Domestic Violence, 75 percent of domestic violence homicides occur AFTER separation. Also, women who call police may encounter responses such as, "Be a better wife and he won't have to hit you."

Abuse is about power and control -- keeping the woman from having freedom of choice. I suggest that "Sick and Tired" look into the issue. Go to the library and check out the women's studies section. It will provide current information about violence against women. Better yet, call your local domestic violence shelter and volunteer. -- IN THE TRENCHES IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR IN THE TRENCHES: I agree. Volunteering in a shelter would be an excellent way to learn firsthand about the fear, intimidation and self-esteem issues that thousands of women are facing, usually alone with no support. I received a barrage of responses after "Sick and Tired's" letter and poem appeared in my column.

About 20 percent were from individuals congratulating the writer for having "told it like it is," regardless of the political correctness of her opinion. The other 80 percent came from women who had experienced domestic violence, deploring the judgmental and insensitive attitude of the author.

According to Haven House in Pasadena, Calif., the first battered women's shelter in the United States, 21 percent of all women who use hospital emergency surgical services are battered; 6 million American women are beaten each year by their husbands or boyfriends and 4,000 of them are killed. Battering is the single major cause of injury to women -- more frequent than auto accidents, muggings and rape combined.

Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)