DEAR ABBY: I work in a domestic violence/sexual assault center in Pennsylvania. After reading the letter from "Sick and Tired of Voluntary Victims in Oregon," may I offer some facts?

Women who are in abusive relationships are not "stupid." Abuse is sinister and can sneak into a relationship. Getting out is difficult because many women have strong emotional attachments to their partners, and don't want to acknowledge that they are being abused. Abusers are highly manipulative. They may repeatedly promise never to do it again, threaten suicide if the woman leaves, threaten to harm the kids if she leaves, or not allow her to hold a job so she cannot save money to escape. They also may deny her access to transportation.

Sometimes the abuse begins when the woman becomes pregnant. Many women in abusive relationships have no choice about whether to use birth control, especially if the man controls the finances and doesn't allow her enough money to purchase birth control. Also, women in abusive relationships may not have the option to say no to sex.

As for the women who manage to leave -- a few statistics:

Studies in Philadelphia and Chicago reveal that almost one-fourth of women killed by male partners were separated or divorced and 28.6 percent of the women were attempting to leave the relationship.

According to the Pennsylvania Coalition Against Domestic Violence, 75 percent of domestic violence homicides occur AFTER separation. Also, women who call police may encounter responses such as, "Be a better wife and he won't have to hit you."

Abuse is about power and control -- keeping the woman from having freedom of choice. I suggest that "Sick and Tired" look into the issue. Go to the library and check out the women's studies section. It will provide current information about violence against women. Better yet, call your local domestic violence shelter and volunteer. -- IN THE TRENCHES IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR IN THE TRENCHES: I agree. Volunteering in a shelter would be an excellent way to learn firsthand about the fear, intimidation and self-esteem issues that thousands of women are facing, usually alone with no support. I received a barrage of responses after "Sick and Tired's" letter and poem appeared in my column.

About 20 percent were from individuals congratulating the writer for having "told it like it is," regardless of the political correctness of her opinion. The other 80 percent came from women who had experienced domestic violence, deploring the judgmental and insensitive attitude of the author.

According to Haven House in Pasadena, Calif., the first battered women's shelter in the United States, 21 percent of all women who use hospital emergency surgical services are battered; 6 million American women are beaten each year by their husbands or boyfriends and 4,000 of them are killed. Battering is the single major cause of injury to women -- more frequent than auto accidents, muggings and rape combined.

Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: We have a cordial relationship with our next-door neighbors, but we are not close. We are aware that they have been experiencing financial difficulties, but they have never revealed any details and we haven't asked.

About three months ago, we started receiving calls from collection agencies saying that they had not been able to reach our neighbors, and asking us to tell our neighbors to contact them. There have been 15 or 20 of these calls, usually at dinnertime. When I tell them that we have no intention of doing their work for them and embarrassing our neighbors, they become persistent -- even rude.

I am infuriated by this invasion of our privacy, and the harassment to which we are being subjected because these agencies can't do their job. If they have our neighbor's address and have had no response to their letters, they should send someone in person to speak to them -- they shouldn't ask us to do it.

Abby, is this legal? And is there any regulatory agency we can contact to keep from being bothered? -- HARASSED IN SANTA CLARITA, CALIF.

DEAR HARASSED: No, it's not legal. According to the Federal Fair Debt Collection Practices Act, you should have received no more than one phone call.

You can deal with this problem in one of two ways: Call the local office of the Fair Trade Commission and file a complaint, and they will go after the collector. Or, contact the local bar association and consult a consumer protection attorney. My experts tell me that you may be entitled to damages.

DEAR ABBY: My husband's brother and his wife live next door to us. Until recently, we were all best friends. My sister-in-law and I did everything together.

Not long ago, she accused me of doing something that she later found out I had not done. Even after finding this out, she has not apologized for accusing me. We were best friends for nine years, but now she won't even look in my direction.

I am hurt that she accused me before she got the facts, and angry that she never bothered to apologize. How should I handle this? Can we still be friends? -- NOT SO GUILTY AFTER ALL

DEAR NOT SO GUILTY: Your sister-in-law may be so embarrassed about her mistake that she's reluctant to approach you. Since the friendship is clearly important to you, be the bigger person and make the first move. Tell her you are relieved that she learned the truth, and you'd like to put the incident behind you so you can continue to be close friends.

DEAR ABBY: In regard to the family whose parents failed to keep in touch on a road trip, and therefore couldn't be located when a grandparent died, you advised, "The best policy is to leave a detailed itinerary with friends or family or ... make a point of checking in regularly."

I would like to add another suggestion: Before going on the road, invest in a long-distance pager. The cost is reasonable and can even include a toll-free pager number. Give the number to a couple of trusted friends or family members.

Back this up with voicemail service on your home phone and check your messages daily. If you call during off-peak hours, the cost will be minimal.

That's what I did, and it certainly gave me peace of mind. -- ELLEN K. HOWE, WEST COVINA, CALIF.

DEAR ELLEN: An excellent idea. Thanks for sharing it.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: With all the support you provide to our servicemen and women through Operation Dear Abby, perhaps you'd like to tell your readers that the USO is still alive and well. The United Services Organization, which is non-profit and receives no funding from the government, was founded in 1941 during World War II.

My 17-year-old twin daughters and I volunteer at the USO Puget Sound Area Military Center at the Seattle International Airport. People say, "Oh, is USO still around? We thought that was a World War II thing." Well, it IS still around, because we still have men and women in uniform (most of the armed services today are volunteers), who have chosen to protect our country and "stand on the wall of freedom." My daughters and I feel honored to serve them, to show them the American people appreciate them and what they are doing for our country.

Even in peacetime, servicemen and women risk their lives daily. Last February, three Coast Guardsmen lost their lives off the coast of Washington while rescuing a sailboat in trouble. It really brought home the fact that servicemen and women today, whether in a peacekeeping situation like Bosnia or routine jobs at military installations around the world, are "in the line of fire" constantly.

USO stays open thanks to the efforts of volunteers who give of their time and money, and organizations who donate items and money to provide refreshments, a quiet place away from the airport terminals and -- many times -- information to help them to get to their next duty station. Whether the person who walks through that center door is a 17-year veteran of the services or a new recruit fresh out of boot camp, these people need our respect and appreciation.

As a proud volunteer at the USO, I ask your help in informing your readers that USO exists and needs their support. -- WENDY FLORES, SEATTLE

DEAR WENDY: I'm pleased to pass along the word that such a worthwhile organization is alive and well. I vividly remember the USO from World War II. Its volunteers and contributors deserve praise for continuing to provide a comfortable and supportive atmosphere for our servicemen and women who are far from home. An excellent way to support our soldiers is to support the USO.

DEAR ABBY: I just broke off all ties to a woman who has been my best friend, lover and partner in life. As in any relationship, we've had our share of problems. Unfortunately, the most recent was too difficult for me to overcome.

"Rene" felt that she needed to satisfy her curiosity. She met someone new and now spends all her time with him.

What Rene doesn't know is that her new friend is trying to satisfy HIS curiosity with three or four other women as well as satisfying Rene. I have concrete evidence that proves his guilt. Should I give her the information I have prior to her being hurt, or should I wait until she's been burned, let her learn a lesson and then present her with the evidence? -- C.M. IN PHOENIX

DEAR C.M.: If your ex-girlfriend has an emotional investment in this new man, it's unlikely that she'll believe you if you try to intervene. Stay out of the line of fire. (Let's hope she's had the good sense to use protection.)

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)