DEAR ABBY: I will soon be meeting with someone who is writing a biography of his late father. I knew the man well (perhaps too well) more than 30 years ago. I was privy to certain indiscretions that I would never reveal, except that now all the principals are dead.

I don't know what my friend would want now. It may be that he would not want me to reveal what I know. Is there a statute of limitations on confidentiality? Does it end with the death of the subjects, or the death of everyone known immediately to them (i.e., living family and/or friends)? Or does confidentiality last forever?

Journalist friends tell me that in the tradition of their profession, the dead have no privacy. I'm not sure I agree with that, or whether it applies to personal confidences. Courts have ruled that public persons have less privacy than nonpublic persons. Does that apply here?

My friends are divided on this. I'm in the middle. What do you think? -- SITTING ON A SECRET

DEAR SITTING: In general, privacy rights die with the person. My legal experts tell me dead people cannot be defamed. Their good names die with them.

However, in the moral sense, if you kept your friend's secret while he was alive, you should continue to do so. Listen to your conscience and you won't go wrong.

DEAR ABBY: I have lived in an upstairs apartment for seven years. It is convenient to where both my spouse and I work. The rent is affordable, and we have a good relationship with our landlord.

The problem? Two years ago he rented the office directly downstairs to a woman who chain-smokes. He told her when she rented it that he had a no-smoking policy. (I don't know if it was written into her lease or not.) She has ignored the no-smoking policy since day one. After four or five requests from me that she not smoke, she replied that I would "just have to open a window."

Abby, opening a window does nothing. Our rugs and furniture stink. The clothes in our closet stink. Our throats tickle, our eyes burn, and I hate to think of the long-term effects on the health of our 3-year-old daughter.

After the "just open a window" comment, I went to our landlord. He told her in no uncertain terms that she was not to smoke in the building. She stopped briefly, then started again. Back to the landlord I went. She stopped briefly once again, then started again. Back to the landlord again. Now, she simply denies that she's smoking (there's no doubt that she does), and I am tired of bothering our landlord.

The building is very old and nothing short of demolition would keep the smell from drifting up here. The floors are hardwood. I love this place for its rustic charm, and have put a lot of work into making it a pleasant and comfortable home.

Abby, does she have the right to smoke? Don't I have the right to keep my home smoke-free? I am a happy person, but she's making my life miserable. -- FRUSTRATED IN ST. PETE'S BEACH, FLA.

DEAR FRUSTRATED: If the non-smoking policy your landlord has been trying to enforce is part of the lease, then your neighbor does not have the right to smoke -- she's in violation of the agreement, and the landlord can insist she move.

If it is not in the lease agreement, and the stench of stale smoke has reached a level you fear could harm your daughter, then you are the one who will have to move.

Your landlord would be wise to choose which tenant he wishes to keep before you make the decision for him.

For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Seven years ago, my sister called and offered me her piano. She told me none of her children wanted it, she was moving, and there was no room for it in her new place. Since I love to play the piano and am quite good at it, I said yes immediately.

I have moved twice since I have had the piano. It is very heavy, and the second time I moved, I had to pay a piano mover to move it. In October of '95, my mother passed away. Then in December of '96, my other sister passed away, and I've been sick for quite a while myself.

Last February, the sister who gave me the piano called out of the blue and told me she wanted her piano back because her granddaughter was taking piano lessons and needed it so she could practice. I hadn't heard from her for quite a while, and it upset me that she had called not to inquire about my health, but to ask me to return something she had given me seven years ago.

She insists that she told me seven years ago that she was giving me the piano with the stipulation that if one of her children or grandchildren should decide some time in the future that they wanted to play, I would return it. My feeling is that it was inconsiderate of her to ask for the piano back, when she knew I was sick and depressed, regardless of any stipulation under which she might have given it to me. I explained to her that due to chronic fatigue and depression, I haven't been able to keep my house in order and that she could have someone come for the piano after I am well enough to straighten up my place.

I am writing to you because I would like to know if you think my sister was inconsiderate in making her request, or if I am just being overly sensitive about it. -- STRESSED OUT, HURT AND CONFUSED, WHITEHALL, PA.

DEAR STRESSED OUT: If you and your sister had not spoken in some time, it is possible that she was unaware that her request was coming at a time when you were sick and depressed. Give her the benefit of the doubt and return the piano.

Although chronic fatigue syndrome is an elusive illness and difficult to diagnose, help for it is available. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) operates a chronic fatigue syndrome hotline with recorded updates on diagnosis, causes, treatment and support groups. The number is 1-404-332-4555. You might benefit by giving it a call. (For those with computers, CDC has a home page; the address for information on chronic fatigue syndrome is: www.cdc.gov/ncidod/diseases/cfs/cfshome.htm.)

Also, the National Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Fibromyalgia Association provides scientifically accurate information to patients in writing, on videotape and by telephone. Call 1-816-313-2000, or write to the association at P.O. Box 18426, Kansas City, Mo. 64133. Please enclose a long, business-sized, self-addressed, stamped (32 cents) envelope.

As depressing and debilitating as CFS can be, adding to it a feeling of isolation is even worse. If you haven't already done so, start networking today. I wish you the best of luck.

DEAR ABBY: Your advice to "Lucky Lady" -- to keep a small flashlight on the nightstand to use in finding her way to the bathroom when in strange surroundings -- is fine, IF she tells her hosts about it.

Otherwise, they might think there's an intruder in their house, and shoot without bothering to ask, "Who goes there?" -- MRS. WILLIAM H. SYLL, NEW ORLEANS

DEAR MRS. SYLL: That's good advice. Better to be safe than sorry.

DEAR ABBY: When I read the letters from women complaining about the lack of service they receive at lumberyards and hardware stores because they were female, I had to laugh.

The opposite is true for my husband and me. The secret lies with reverse sex discrimination. I put on makeup and wear a tight T-shirt and never lack for attention. My husband makes me come along with him, just to lure the sales clerks so he can get help. -- JANIS IN CAPISTRANO BEACH, CALIF.

DEAR JANIS: Your letter proves that flies are attracted to honeys in tight T-shirts.

CONFIDENTIAL TO ROSIE: Happy Birthday to the most wonderful mother-in-law a person could wish for!

For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am writing you with the hope that people will read this and think about it. I lost my beautiful daughter and her fiance to a drunk driver. She was only 20, and her fiance was 23. The driver had three DUIs and the passenger had five. These two individuals, neither of whom had driver's licenses, left the scene of the accident. They did not help or even go for help, but just ran.

My daughter's wedding would have been in seven months. Most of the plans were complete. I miss my daughter so much. She was my only child. Her fiance was wonderful -- smart and such a kind person. This should never have happened. Our courts need to be tougher.

We chose to bury my daughter and her fiance side by side. On their headstone, we have a picture of the two of them hugging each other with their engagement date beneath the picture and the words, "Together Forever." It is a tribute to their memory. We have placed items on their grave many times.

Abby, I cannot understand why people have taken the items we left. I am shocked that people could be so cold and heartless that they'd take things off a grave. I know my baby is gone, but her body was placed there. I visit and take gifts out of love and respect for their memory. She was my life, my joy, my child. For someone to come and steal from her grave hurts beyond words. -- SAD IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR SAD: Please accept my sympathy on the loss of your beloved only child.

Cemetery policies vary from place to place. Most cemeteries will allow items to remain on a gravesite only for a limited period, after which they are removed by personnel so the grounds can be properly maintained. Discuss your concerns with the cemetery's management to see if they have removed the items you left, or whether there may be a problem with theft. If items are being stolen, the management should be alerted so that security procedures can be put in place.

DEAR ABBY: I'm writing in response to the mother of the 17-year-old who was dating a guy Mom felt was bad news. Your answer, that the daughter may have to learn for herself, was exactly right, Abby.

When I was 16, I started dating a guy my parents felt was bad for me. They told me one time how they felt about him, then let me make my own decisions and come to my own conclusions. It took me four years to realize what my parents had known from the start, but it was a learning experience I wouldn't trade for anything.

I know it was difficult for my parents to keep their comments about him to themselves and not interfere, but I thank them for doing so. That relationship made me who I am today. It made me understand my strengths and weaknesses, what I wanted in life and what I didn't.

I am now 25 years old and married to a man who is everything I ever wanted and everything my bad-news boyfriend wasn't. -- HAPPILY EVER AFTER

DEAR HAPPILY EVER AFTER: It is never easy to watch a child stumble or make mistakes, but the lessons learned from personal experience are the ones most clearly remembered, as your letter attests.

Author E.M. Forster said it well: "Spoon-feeding in the long run teaches us nothing but the shape of the spoon."

DEAR ABBY: I took my dog fishing with me to a lake in the mountains near here. He's well behaved and I had him on a leash, but he was attracted to some discarded, balled-up fishing line with bait on it. He gulped it down. I didn't see this, so when I turned around I had a dog with fishing line leading into his mouth and down his throat.

This involved a rush trip down the mountain to the emergency vet clinic, hours of anguish and lots of money.

The vet told me he sees about one dog a week who has swallowed a fishing line with a fish hook. Dog owners: BEWARE. And fishermen: Never drop a discarded line with a hook. It could be your own dog you catch! -- KEITH JACKSON, DENVER

DEAR KEITH: What a harrowing experience! Fishermen should remember they are sportsmen. And good sportsmen respect the environment and never leave litter behind. To leave items lying around that could be dangerous to pets, children or wildlife is unconscionable.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)