DEAR ABBY: I am deeply concerned about my 9-year-old son's self-esteem. My wife is constantly yelling and calling him names over trivial things. She is a perfectionist, so anything not perfect is cause for a verbal assault.

A recent example is a misplaced 39-cent notepad. My son was called an idiot, stupid and an ass in her tirade. I feel this cannot be good for his emotional well-being, but I am unable to stop her. She becomes irate when I even suggest that she is less than a good mother. She does not do this in public, but I still think it is hurtful to my son's self-esteem. She does the same sort of thing with me, but I've had counseling to deal with it. What can I do for my son? -- CONCERNED DAD IN BATAVIA, ILL.

DEAR CONCERNED: Your concern is valid. Your wife's inability to control her temper can have lasting effects on your son's self-esteem. Children form their sense of worth from messages (verbal and nonverbal) their parents give them. When a parent tells a child he's an idiot, stupid or an ass, that is how he will perceive himself. On some level he will blame himself for the abuse. Unless something is done now to break this cycle, as your son grows up he may be unable to shrug off the guilt and sense of inadequacy his mother is placing on his shoulders.

The label for what your wife is doing is "verbal abuse." It may take psychological counseling for her to learn to cope with her temper in a more appropriate manner. I urge her to seek it.

You didn't say how long the verbal battery has been going on, but if the pattern is well-established, counseling is also in order for your son. Our society has come a long way in recognizing the need to protect children from sexual and physical abuse. It's unfortunate that so little can be done for the child who is verbally abused, because as it stands -- unless a concerned adult steps in to defend him -- he is all alone.

DEAR ABBY: I offer this true story for your collection of acts of kindness.

Toward the end of World War II, my grandfather, Eugen Irtenkauf, then 10 years old, lived in Salach, a small village near Goppingen in southwest Germany.

Every day, seven American P-51 Mustang fighters flew over the area shooting at German soldiers. Because they came so often and seemed to be the same group flying over a war zone, the German civilians called them "the Lucky Seven."

One afternoon, my grandfather was flying his kite in a field when the Lucky Seven appeared in the sky. His father yelled for his son to let go of the kite and run. The son refused to do so. One of the Lucky Seven left the group and headed for my grandfather and the kite. My great-grandfather was sure that the pilot would kill his son. Instead, the pilot dipped his wings and flew on.

My grandfather has told me this story many times. It has been his lifelong wish to meet this pilot.

My grandfather's address is: Herr Eugen Irtenkauf, Austrasse 5, Salach, Germany, 73084. -- ERIKA AND HAMISH HALL, TUCSON, ARIZ.

DEAR ERIKA AND HAMISH: Thank you for a poignant addition to this column. I hope your grandfather's wish comes true.

DEAR ABBY: I was amused by your column that dealt with the infantry in World War II using condoms to keep their socks dry. I have a story that was told to me by my first husband, who served in the 82nd Airborne during the war.

He told me that they were each issued a gross of condoms periodically that they tied together in a rubber-band type apparatus, and that is how they kept their trousers so neatly in their boots.

How the other services managed, I don't know, but the paratroopers kept that great look in this manner. Yankee ingenuity strikes again! -- EX-WIFE OF "GERONIMO" W., TORRINGTON, CONN.

DEAR EX-WIFE: This is news to me. I once heard an anthropologist say that two things distinguish men from apes: our opposable thumbs and the ability to invent tools.

For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: This letter is in reference to the teen-age girl who feared that her mother's pregnancy would mean more baby-sitting duties.

I remarried when my daughter, Tracey, was 8 years old. Within the next four years, we added two more children to our family. After many discussions, it was agreed that Tracey would baby-sit with her two little brothers, without question and without pay, if the reason for needing the sitter was "for the good of the family." This covered doctor appointments, business meetings, etc.

It was also agreed that if we needed a baby sitter for any other reason, Tracey would be asked to baby-sit, with hourly pay. If she was unable to do so, we would contact a neighborhood baby sitter.

This worked beautifully. Tracey is now 33 years old and the mother of two biological children, two stepchildren and four foster children. Their home is a happy one, with children ranging from 3 to 14 years old. I understand that her 14-year-old daughter, Jessi, accepts the same "for the good of the family" agreement. -- JUDY WARREN VASILIAUSKAS, ESTES PARK, COLO.

DEAR JUDY: Thank you for sharing your personal experience. The arrangement you worked out with your daughter seems like a very fair one. I heard from many other readers who had baby-sat siblings when they were young. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I was the youngest of four children, and 8 years old when my parents had my younger sister. I spent countless hours changing diapers and often made plans with friends, only to have to cancel them when I was informed that I would be baby-sitting. By the time I was in high school, I resented the responsibility that had been forced on me. My sister was 5 and I was old enough to do most of the care when my older siblings were unavailable. I told my mother how I felt, and she told me that responsibilities like baby-sitting were part of what made a family.

I never received monetary compensation for the hours I spent with my sister, but I got something even better: I am now 24, my younger sister is 16, and we have a wonderful relationship. I feel closer to her than I do to any of my other siblings, and I would venture to say that she feels the same about me. I share her pain when she's having difficulty and am just as proud as any parent when it comes to her accomplishments. I had a hand in shaping her into the person she is today.

Please tell that teen-ager who is afraid that her mother's pregnancy is going to bring her responsibilities she doesn't want, that her parents are not unreasonable to expect her to be part of the family as far as child care duties are concerned. What she might now consider an unfair amount of responsibility will later be remembered as some of the best times in her life. -- RACHEL JOHNSTON FISHER, CHICAGO

DEAR RACHEL: I'm pleased your story has a happy ending. I'm printing your letter in the hope that it will lift the spirits not only of the teen-ager who wrote me about her concern, but also the legion of others who need to be reminded that baby-sitting can bring a wealth of future benefits.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Today is Sunday, April 20, 1997, the first day of Organ Donor Week. I just sat down with the morning paper for the first time in a week and read your article on organ donation. It was so timely.

Last Sunday at 1 a.m., George Paul Eldridge III, my 26-year-old son, had an automobile accident. We were told the brain damage was so severe there was no hope. Some time later, a doctor asked how we felt about donating organs. His father and I, along with the rest of the family, agreed that we wanted a part of him to live on in others. He was so giving and caring, we knew that would have been his wish.

An EEG was done on Sunday and again on Monday. It showed only minimal brain activity. I still hoped for a miracle, but by Tuesday, April 15, when the final EEG was done, he was declared brain-dead.

We buried this wonderful young man on Friday, but I find comfort in knowing he has helped others. We have already been informed that a 19-year-old girl received one of his kidneys, and a 33-year-old man with two children received his heart.

I urge anyone in this situation to do as we did and give other families hope for a future. -- PAM HALEY, LITTLE ROCK, ARK.

DEAR MRS. HALEY: I offer my deepest sympathy on the tragic and untimely death of your beloved son. You and the rest of the family are to be commended for your act of generosity in the midst of your own shock and grief.

From your description of George Paul Eldridge III, the man who received his heart (and the spirit within it) is fortunate indeed.

DEAR ABBY: My fiance and I will be getting married in July, after an 18-month engagement. We have worked very hard on our wedding plans to make sure our special day is as perfect as possible.

Throughout our engagement, my future mother-in-law has been nothing but trouble. There have been many problems, but one has been especially upsetting. Early on, my future mother-in-law talked about giving me a big family bridal shower. I thought this was fine. As the months went by, the shower date kept changing. Now she says she wants to have a combination baby shower for her daughter, my future sister-in-law, and bridal shower for me, six days before our wedding.

Am I selfish because I want a separate bridal shower? I plan on getting married only once, and want everything to be "special." How can I explain to my future mother-in-law that I would rather not have a bridal shower at all than to share it with someone who should have a shower of her own also? -- HURT IN PORTLAND, ORE.

DEAR HURT: You are not being selfish. You and your future sister-in-law are both celebrating very special events in your lives, and each of you should have an individual shower.

According to the etiquette books, neither shower should be given by your future mother-in-law. As I have explained in my booklet, "How to Have a Lovely Wedding," showers are never given by either the bride's immediate family or her fiance's. Generally the maid of honor, a bridal attendant or another close friend -- anyone who is not related -- gives the bridal shower. And the appropriate time for it is approximately six WEEKS before the wedding, not six days.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)