DEAR ABBY: I work for a telephone research firm. I haven't been working for this company for very long, but I have already found that most people have terrible phone etiquette.

We are taught to be polite to everyone we talk to, yet we no sooner utter the phrase, "Hello, my name is ... I work for a research firm," when the phone is hung up in our ears, without a word being said. All they have to do is tell us they aren't interested, and we would tell them to have a nice evening. We don't force anyone to talk to us.

Also, because the computer picks the phone numbers, we don't know who we're calling. We call a lot of businesses, but the majority of them don't answer the phones correctly. They say "Hello," with no indication that it is a business. Then they get upset when we say we work for a research firm -- as though we've imposed upon them. If they would answer their phone with the name of their business, we would apologize and tell them we've reached the wrong number.

Some people treat us like we're lowlifes to be doing this, but companies pay our firm to do these surveys. For us, it's a job! We have senior citizens, students and wives working for extra money to help with the bills and to buy a few groceries. What's so wrong with that? We were taught by our elders to be polite to everyone, but it seems as though they live by a double standard. -- M.B. IN BELLE PLAINE, IOWA

DEAR M.B.: There is no excuse for rudeness, but many people find it highly inconvenient to get a telephone call when they are feeding the baby, putting groceries away, hurrying to pick up the children at school, etc., and they resent being interrupted by someone who is taking a survey or selling something.

People have telephones in their homes for their own convenience, not for the convenience of the research and marketing firms.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 44 years and thought I knew my husband well.

Twice recently I returned home earlier than he expected, and I found him watching pornographic movies! He is 73 years old with a problem due to prostate surgery. Abby, this has bothered me so much I am almost in a daze since this happened.

I consider myself a fun-loving, broad-minded person, but this is so contrary to my nature, I cannot accept it.

Who has the problem? Him or me?

I have not been able to discuss this with him yet. I await your advice. -- A PERPLEXED READER

DEAR PERPLEXED: As I see it, the problem lies in your inability to accept the fact that your husband enjoys watching pornographic movies. (Many people do.) You should make an attempt to discuss it with him. However, do not make an issue of it.

Because of your husband's prostate surgery, he may require visual stimulation to become aroused. He should talk to his doctor for further reassurance and medical help if it's indicated. He may be unaware that most cases of impotence can be treated.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My folks recently went on an extended "road trip" vacation. Whenever they've gone away before, they have stayed in the same hotel and we have had their telephone number.

This trip was different. They were going to take their time and stop where and when they wanted to. They were good about sending postcards, but not about calling and checking in with us. We never would have given this a second thought, except that my grandmother died while they were away and we had no way of informing them. They didn't find out about her passing until after the funeral.

Everyone felt terrible about this, especially my folks.

If this letter can help to open a few of your readers' eyes and spare them this heartache, it was worth writing. I know I will be calling home every few days when I'm vacationing from now on, because you never know what can happen. -- ST. PAUL, MINN.

DEAR ST. PAUL: The idea of taking off with no destination in mind might appeal to many. However, your letter highlights just one of the sobering realities that should be considered before deciding to do so.

The best policy is to leave a detailed itinerary with friends or family, or to make a point of checking in regularly. Your parents' experience was most unfortunate.

DEAR ABBY: You told "Amber in Sacramento" to ask the mother what she named her baby in order to find out whether the infant was a boy or a girl. I am a pediatrician, and believe me, you cannot always tell by the name.

I remember with amused embarrassment the first time an infant named Jamie was brought to my office. At that time, Jamie was a common name for a boy. I referred to the baby as "he," and Mom quickly corrected me with, "She's a girl." Thank goodness Mom didn't hold my error against me. I have remained friends with the parents of this girl over the years.

Current patients include girls named Tyler, Taylor and Cameron, two boys named Lynn, and two patients named Robin -- one girl, one boy. If I'm told the name is "Alex," I still have to find out if it's Alexander, Alexandra or Alexis. And when Mom says her baby's name is "Tony" (Tony and Toni sound the same), I don't immediately know if my patient is a female or a male.

Other names of my patients: Chadijha, Stormei, Scout, Travion, Chaymin and Taynaisha. Do you know which of these are girls and which are boys?

Abby, do you by chance remember the Johnny Cash song, "A Boy Named Sue"? While your advice would work in some cases, it's safer to ask the mother, "Is your adorable child a boy or a girl?" -- LEE BERNSTEIN, M.D., LAS VEGAS

DEAR DR. BERNSTEIN: You're right. The name is not always a foolproof guide to the gender of the infant.

"Abby" could be a boy or a girl -- as in Abbie Hoffman, or in my case, for Abigail.

I also concede that asking a direct question is the most intelligent solution.

P.S. Incidentally, Doctor, "Lee" can also be either gender.

CONFIDENTIAL TO "OVER 21 AND ALL GROWN UP IN ALBANY": Maturity is the ability to stick with a job until it's finished; to do a job without being supervised; to carry money without spending it; and to bear an injustice without wanting to get even. -- Abigail Van Buren

For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: This letter is prompted by the letter in your column from the 9-year-old girl who signed her letter "Missing My Dad in Michigan." She hadn't heard from her father in more than four years.

I experienced the same thing when my parents divorced in 1978. In the beginning, I received a few letters, phone calls and visits from Daddy, but they dwindled to nothing after a couple of years.

Ten years after the divorce, I began an effort to find my father. I located his mother, which resulted in her contacting my father. Ten minutes after I spoke with my grandmother, my phone rang and my father was on the other end. It was, needless to say, a very emotional phone call. I realized that after many years with no communication, I had built up tremendous reserves of anger, resentment and bitterness. I had hated my father for not loving me.

It turned out that he had loved me very much. He had been afraid to contact me for fear that my mother would have him arrested (for non-payment of alimony/child support) if he appeared in Virginia or if she discovered where he lived. A year after our first conversation, I flew out to see him. It was a trying yet rewarding time, as we began to get to know each other all over again.

We are learning even more as the years pass. By 1994, we had repaired our relationship so well that he was able to give me away at my wedding. He's now eagerly awaiting the day we can tell him he's a grandfather.

To the parents of the young lady who wrote to you: You may be very angry at each other and hurting each other in an effort to get even, but please remember that the one you are hurting the most is your daughter. Dad, she needs you. There's no way to recapture the years lost when you weren't in your daughter's life. Mom, no amount of money you may or may not receive is worth the emotional pain and loss being inflicted on your daughter.

To the young lady who signed her letter "Missing My Dad in Michigan": I was your age when I went through the same experience. Divorce is extremely painful for all involved, but particularly for you because you are innocent. I hope and pray that you will learn to understand, forgive and love both your parents -- because I am sure they both love you. -- KNOWS HOW YOU FEEL

DEAR KNOWS: Your letter is further testimony to the importance of both parents staying involved and in frequent, continuing contact regardless of the status of the marriage. Parents should be partners in raising their children, even when they do not live in the same household, because it benefits the emotional well-being of the children.

The Children's Rights Council has published a book containing valuable information for parents and professionals on how to handle divorce so that it's less traumatic for children. It's titled "The Best Parent Is Both Parents." It can be ordered from: The Children's Rights Council, 220 Eye St. N.E., Suite 140, Washington, D.C. 20002-4362. The cost: $10 plus $2 shipping and handling. Please allow four to six weeks for delivery.

QUOTE WORTH THINKING ABOUT: Why is it when we talk to God we're said to be praying -- but when God talks to us, we're schizophrenic? -- Lily Tomlin

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)