DEAR ABBY: We have been happily married for 17 years. I am 41 and and my wife is 36. We have three fine children, ages 12, 10 and 6. I do well financially.

My wife never went to college and regretted it. I supported her effort in going back to school, so she enrolled. Then her mother, who lives 400 miles away, became seriously ill with lung cancer.

Seven months ago, my wife quit school and went to stay with her mother. She is the only child in the family who was able to spend this kind of time with her mother. She keeps in touch and comes home when she can. It has been hard for her and hard for us.

In recent weeks, her mother has improved enough to come here with my wife to visit. Her mother also has home health care, so my wife could come home and proceed with her own life.

However, she is having a hard time leaving her mother now. I would like to tell my wife that she has helped her mother as much as she can, but we also need her.

My wife tells me she has been spending a lot of time going out to bars, dancing and partying with friends she has made in that town. She is very open with me and has told me some men are obviously attracted to her and have sent her flowers. She accepted the flowers and the attention, but said she would go no further.

Our sex life has not been very good in recent years, but she says she loves me and respects me more than anyone she has ever known. This barhopping bothers me because I love her very much and I'm afraid that something will happen sooner or later. She stays out until 2 a.m. and has never told these men she doesn't want any further relationship, so it seems to me that she is leading them on.

Do you have any thoughts about her relationship with her mother? And what do you think about these nights out with her friends? -- FRUSTRATED IN KENTUCKY

DEAR FRUSTRATED: You and your children are to be commended for your patience during your wife's seven-month absence. You have every right to lay down the law and demand that she come home. Your mother-in-law seems to be well cared for without her daughter's presence.

Hanging out in bars and accepting flowers from admirers is inexcusable behavior for a married woman. Give your wife an ultimatum. Tell her that you expect her home by a specific date. Then make an appointment with a marriage counselor. If your wife ignores your request, you will know where her loyalties lie.

DEAR ABBY: Last night my husband asked me if I had noticed that whenever we go out for dinner, the server never asks him what he would like to eat. Instead, she turns to me and asks, "And what will he have?"

Abby, my husband has Parkinson's disease and his head now wobbles, his hands shake and he drags his foot a little, but there is nothing wrong with his mind. His hearing is excellent, he understands what people say, and he is not deaf, dumb or stupid.

When I am asked, "And what will he have?" I always say, "I don't know. Why don't you ask him?"

Abby, I'm constantly amazed at how stigmatized handicapped people are. My husband has a quick wit, a great sense of humor and is a kind, generous man. Nobody is perfect. We all have some kind of disability. His hands may shake, but he can still put his arms around me, hold me and tell me how he loves me.

I doubt this will do any good, but I just had to get it off my chest. Just because a person has a physical disability doesn't make him less a person. Actually, he is more of a person because he's had to cope with so many difficult things in life -- including stupid, insensitive people.

Thanks, Abby. -- HARRIET R. IN TAUNTON, MASS.

DEAR HARRIET: Thank you for a letter that I hope will educate many thoughtless people. I have had similar letters in my column over the years, but this message is so important it is well worth repeating.

P.S. The next time a server asks for your order, say "Thank you. My husband will order for both of us."

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I was very sorry to read of the tribulations of Judy Prince and her husband on their European vacation. I hope she and Mr. Prince have fully recovered from their ordeal, and that Mr. Prince's hip is now mended.

I would like to ask you to inform your readers that consular officers at U.S. embassies and consulates, and consular agents, are there to help Americans who encounter emergencies while they are out of the country. Consular officers provide assistance to Americans in need, such as those who have been robbed, are destitute or ill, have been arrested, or who are the victims of a disaster.

Consular officers overseas have lists of local doctors who speak English. In emergencies we can help locate family or friends in the United States who would be willing to send funds, or contact the traveler's bank to arrange for a transfer from their account. When necessary, we can assist in arranging the return of the ill or injured American to the United States by commercial carrier. However, payment of hospital and other expenses is the responsibility of the traveler.

Before going abroad, travelers should inquire what medical services their health insurance will cover outside the U.S. Although some companies will pay customary and reasonable hospital costs abroad, very few will pay for medical evacuation back to the United States, which can easily cost upward of $10,000. Travelers may want to consider obtaining special travel insurance for a minimal fee to cover such emergencies.

Travelers can find a complete set of Department of State, Bureau of Consular Affairs publications (including the flier "Medical Information for Americans Traveling Abroad") to help them plan a safe trip abroad on our Internet Web site at http://travel.state.gov/ or by automatic fax at 1-202-647-3000. Country-specific information is also available by voice recording at 1-202-647-5225. -- RUTH A. DAVIS, PRINCIPAL DEPUTY ASSISTANT SECRETARY, OFFICE OF OVERSEAS CITIZENS SERVICES, U.S. STATE DEPARTMENT

DEAR MS. DAVIS: I'm sure that many of my readers who will be traveling out of the country in the coming months will be grateful for this valuable information. Travelers can vacation with complete peace of mind if they plan in advance for possible emergencies by contacting the Office of Overseas Citizens Services and their insurance brokers before they go. Thank you for the reminder.

DEAR ABBY: I am a gynecologist. Recently one of my patients came to my office for a physical examination.

During the examination, I discovered a major blockage of the carotid artery in her neck. I convinced her to go to a vascular surgeon. She then had a successful surgery, which prevented the likelihood of a major stroke.

Before her surgery, someone on the evaluation team asked, "Who found your neck lesion?"

She replied, "My gynecologist."

Someone else asked, "What in the world was a gynecologist doing up there?" Everyone, including my patient, broke into laughter. -- EUGENE R. ODOU, M.D.

DEAR DR. ODOU: That's such a good question, I decided to telephone an expert -- you -- to get an answer. I was intrigued when you told me that your mother had a similar carotid blockage, which made you aware of such problems.

As you put it, "I'm a good old-fashioned doctor, although semi-retired, and a good doctor is concerned with the entire patient, not just one part!"

I couldn't agree more.

For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I do not wish for my name to appear in your column as a contributor. I am only eager to impress on people what they owe the servicemen and women who have fought and died over the years protecting the freedom we enjoy. Not only the men and women who have died, but their wives, husbands, sweethearts, parents and children all paid a tremendous price for the freedom that many -- especially the younger generation -- take for granted.

We, whose loved ones survived these horrible holocausts of history, realize only too fully that "There but for the grace of God ..."

While the memories of horrors endured will always remain with the men and women who came back, they at least came back. For that they are forever grateful. They never forget their buddies who weren't so lucky. May the rest of the world also remember.

I'm enclosing a poem that you may want to share with your readers, Abby. -- PATRIOTIC READER, CASA GRANDE, ARIZ.

DEAR READER: Your poem is a poignant reminder of the price paid for the freedom many take for granted. Readers, today -- Memorial Day -- please take a moment to reflect on this poem, which was written as a tribute to our military who gave their all:

FREEDOM IS NOT FREE

I watched the flag pass by one day.

It fluttered in the breeze.

A young Marine saluted it, and then

He stood at ease.

I looked at him in uniform

So young, so tall, so proud,

With hair cut square and eyes alert.

He'd stand out in any crowd.

I thought how many men like him

Had fallen through the years.

How many died on foreign soil?

How many mothers' tears?

How many pilots' planes shot down?

How many died at sea?

How many foxholes were soldiers' graves?

No, freedom is not free.

I heard the sound of taps one night,

When everything was still.

I listened to the bugler play

And felt a sudden chill.

I wondered just how many times

That taps had meant "Amen,"

When a flag had draped a coffin

Of a brother or a friend.

I thought of all the children,

Of the mothers and the wives,

Of fathers, sons and husbands

With interrupted lives.

I thought about a graveyard

At the bottom of the sea

Of unmarked graves in Arlington.

No, freedom is not free.

-- CADET MAJOR KELLY STRONG, AIR FORCE JUNIOR ROTC, HOMESTEAD SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL, HOMESTEAD, FLA., 1988

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)