DEAR ABBY: My son (I'll call him Michael) was very ill with cancer at age 15, and as a result he became sterile from his chemotherapy treatments. Thank the good Lord he has made a complete recovery. However, when he married eight years ago, he and his wife wanted a family. My nephew Edmund (his cousin) agreed to be a sperm donor.

Michael and Edmund have always been very close -- more like brothers. Edmund is divorced and has two children. A year ago, my daughter-in-law gave birth to a healthy baby boy.

Abby, they have decided that they will never tell the child who his real father is. I'm afraid someone else might tell him, as a few members of the family are aware of this.

My husband says it's their decision and that we should stay out of it, but I'm worried about my grandchild's future, should he find out.

Please give us your thoughts on this. -- LOVING GRANDMOTHER IN THE U.S.A.

DEAR GRANDMOTHER: I agree with you. Family secrets such as this have a way of leaking, which could cause a flood of embarrassment. Your husband makes a good point, however. Give your son and daughter-in-law some "motherly" advice -- and then say no more.

DEAR ABBY: The pain I am feeling is so great it doesn't allow me even to cry. I have been married to my second husband for more than 17 years. This week I found out that he is bisexual and has been having one-night stands during our 17 years together, events that have increased over the past four years.

I know I need to find a counselor to help me work through this. I will start the process of finding one today. My husband claims I am the only person he has ever loved, and that he can stop his bisexual activity if I just give him another chance. Even if he could -- and that's my question to you -- I'm not sure I would ever be able to trust him again or be comfortable making love which, until now, has been a very satisfying part of our relationship.

With your vast years of experience and knowledge about the human personality, do you know if it is possible, or even likely, that an active bisexual person can stop the attraction to same-sex partners? My husband says he's only kissed one man and that he gets his gratification from touching -- massage, etc.

Yes, I'm going for an AIDS test today. -- HEARTBROKEN IN PLEASANTON, CALIF.

DEAR HEARTBROKEN: Since your husband is bisexual, his attraction to both sexes is natural for him, and he will always be attracted to members of both sexes. And since his infidelities with men have increased over the last four years, it would seem that either his attraction to men is increasing, or he is less in control of his impulsive behavior than he believes.

You have my sincere sympathy for the pain you are experiencing, and you are on the right track to seek professional counseling and have an HIV test immediately.

DEAR ABBY: I have been reading you for years, but this is the first time I have written. I want to let you know what happened to me recently so you can alert your readers.

While vacationing at a friend's house a few months ago, I woke up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom. Apparently I was not fully awake because I thought I was in my own home. Before I realized where I was, I was falling down a flight of stairs! Luckily, I wasn't hurt -- with the exception of a few bruises.

Abby, please alert your readers to the danger of staying in a strange house, and advise the host to provide a night-light or a small lamp for a room or hallway. -- LUCKY LADY

DEAR LUCKY: While it would be gracious for the host to light your way, you would be wise to invest in a small flashlight to keep on the nightstand of your home or, when you travel, on the nightstand in your host's home. I wouldn't be without one.

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DEAR ABBY: My husband is 37 and I am 29. We have been married almost two years and are starting to look for a place to buy or build a home.

The problem is we have very different ideas about where we want to live. My husband prefers small towns, I prefer large ones. He likes seasons -- I hate the cold, etc.

We have been able to sit down several times to discuss this calmly and rationally, but we remain deadlocked. My husband wants to move back to his hometown to be near his friends and relatives, and refuses to budge even an inch. I am scared to death, because I have visited his hometown three times now and I've hated it every time.

I don't know what to do. Everyone I talk to tells me to stand up for my rights, but how can I when there is no compromise? Abby, please help me. -- STUCK AND SCARED

DEAR STUCK AND SCARED: Since your husband is inflexible, my advice is to rent a place in his hometown for a year. At the end of the year, if you are still unhappy and your husband is still unwilling to move, it may be necessary to re-evaluate your marriage.

DEAR ABBY: Thirty years ago you gave me some good advice on a bad situation, so here I am again.

My husband and I lived together for two years before we got married. During that time he would help me around the house, go grocery shopping with me, and even accompany me to church. After marriage, all that stopped.

We have been married for four years. Now I eat breakfast alone while he sleeps until noon. I grocery-shop alone, attend church alone (too early for him) and go to the senior center alone -- he is 70 years old and says the people there are "too old" for him. Oh, by the way, I also go to bed alone. He's decided we're too old for sex. All he does is eat, sleep and sit! I feel like I'm only a housekeeper. -- FED UP IN HUNTSVILLE, ALA.

DEAR FED UP: You and your husband are overdue for a heart-to-heart talk. The topic of conversation should be "What has happened to the charming, helpful, loving companion I married -- because I don't know or particularly like the person you've become." His response will tell you whether your marriage can be revived through counseling and mutual effort -- or whether you'd be better off without him.

DEAR ABBY: I recently took a date, her daughter and her daughter's friend to a bingo hall.

Well, with all the cards, markers, food, drink, etc., I was out about $90. On the very last game, my date won $500. I thought, "Great -- a free evening for me and she will still have $400!" Wrong! She said that it was her money, and she didn't give me a dime.

All my male friends said she should have split it with me, but my female friends said she was right to keep it all to herself.

Abby, what do you think was right? -- NO MORE BINGO DATES IN TEXAS

DEAR NO MORE BINGO DATES: A single mother who is raising a child might find it difficult to part with half of her unexpected windfall as your male friends suggested. However, she would have been gracious to have reimbursed you the $90 you spent for the evening.

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DEAR ABBY: I work in an office with many other women. Over the years, the happier in life I have become, the more jealous and petty these women have become toward me.

Abby, I come to work on time, do my job, try to be pleasant to everyone and go home. I adore my bosses, and I cannot understand the serpent's tongues of my co-workers.

Another woman in the office has mentioned the meanness of some of the people we work with, so it isn't just my own perceptions. I am not a confrontational person and I do not wish to return ugliness for ugliness, so I don't know how to defend myself against these sharp-tongued women. Sometimes the nastiness is very subtle -- it can be a smirk or the tone of voice -- and there isn't any obvious thing to address.

My job pays extremely well and I have been here for many years. I have many benefits and prefer not to leave. Have you any suggestions? -- "LOIS" IN SANTA ANA, CALIF.

DEAR "LOIS": Yes. Keep your private life completely separate from your professional life. Give these women nothing to fuel their jealousy. When something good happens to you, do not discuss it at the office. Be pleasant, but restrict your conversation to subjects that are work-related only. If you do this, they will have to find someone else to be the target of their sniping.

DEAR ABBY: This letter is to offer advice rather than to seek it. It's directed toward people who are planning to relocate after they retire. I would suggest to them that they live in the area in which they are planning to move for at least one year before making a final decision, and to make sure they are paying a fair market price before they buy.

My wife and I bought a home in Florida, thinking it would be the ideal place to retire. There is considerable development going on in the area. While it is a nice community, w have found it is not really what we wanted. We would like to sell our home and move.

Abby, the home we purchased has been on the market with a nationally known real estate company for two years. During that period we have had only one offer and it was for a price well below that for which it listed. (The house is listed at $20,000 less than what we paid for it three years ago.) If it does sell, after the commissions are paid, we will realize a loss of more than $25,000.

I would urge those contemplating retirement to avoid buying until they are absolutely sure. I guarantee it will save them a lot of time, money, frustration and disappointment. -- SADDER AND WISER IN FLORIDA

DEAR SADDER AND WISER: Thanks for sharing your expensive lesson with my readers, and for the reminder that a prudent investor carefully sizes up the market before investing in anything.

DEAR ABBY: Among the letters you printed about transsexuals using the ladies room was one from a woman who noticed the shoes on the person in the stall next to hers were pointed the "wrong" way, and she was outraged.

That letter made me laugh because a couple of years ago my bladder, for all intents and purposes, ceased functioning and I had a urostomy operation. In plain English, that means I now have a tube inside attached to a bag outside, and when I go to the ladies room to empty it, my shoes also point the "wrong way" and I occasionally wonder if anyone ever notices.

People shouldn't jump to conclusions -- especially about things that are none of their business. Please do not use my name if you print this. -- THE GIRL NEXT DOOR

DEAR GIRL NEXT DOOR: Most people are not privy to this kind of information, so thank you for speaking out. You were 100 percent on target when you stated that people shouldn't jump to conclusions.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)