DEAR ABBY: In response to the man who wrote you asking for a definition of a "lousy lover": Sexual communication is the most difficult communication of all. As a marital and family therapist and a clinical psychologist who has practiced for 23 years in the state of California and taught at the university level on human sexuality, I can assure him that the polite avoidance he receives when asking women to define that question is a major part of the problem.

Healthy sexual behavior is behavior practiced between consenting adults in private. It is not public behavior. There are individual differences in what is preferred sexual stimulation and behavior. It is a matter to be discussed and worked out between the individuals involved. Many persons do not know what their sexual values, preferences and beliefs are until they have received some sort of instruction. To raise such a question to an individual with whom one is not involved in an intimate relationship is an invasion of personal privacy.

Abby, please tell "Needing More in Minneapolis" and the gentleman who wrote you to seek out, with their partner, a licensed professional in the field of relationship therapy who specializes in sex therapy. The professional will assist them in determining the type of sexual interaction that best fits them as a unique couple. Referrals can be obtained from local chapters of the association of psychologists and marriage and family therapists, which usually have listings in the Yellow Pages of local phone books. -- MARGRETA KLASSEN, PH.D., NEWPORT BEACH, CALIF.

DEAR DR. KLASSEN: Thank you for a helpful letter. I agree that sexual compatibility is more of a negotiated settlement than following the steps in a "how-to" manual. The assistance of a professional may be needed to open the lines of communication because many couples have hang-ups about confiding their likes and dislikes to each other. However, sometimes there is more wrong with a sexual relationship than lack of communication. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: In answer to your question, "What makes a lousy lover?" my first response is lack of good personal hygiene. I've been trying to tell this to my husband for years, but he just doesn't get it! Perhaps if he read this, he will:

Take a shower and scrub with soap and a washcloth -- all over -- every day; trim your eyebrows, the hair in your nose and ears, and see a dental hygienist a couple of times a year; put on deodorant and wear fresh clothes every day and keep your mustache clean.

How can we make love if I can't even stand to get close to him? -- ANONYMOUS IN ST. PAUL, MINN.

DEAR ABBY: A lousy lover is not interested in what he can do for me, only what I can do for him. A lousy lover doesn't listen to what he is told that could enhance my pleasure, or take gentle or subtle suggestions. A lousy lover says, "I really wanted you to have an orgasm," just before he rolls over to go to sleep, leaving me lying frustrated beside him. A lousy lover is selfish and self-centered and brags about his conquests and sexual skills (which usually means he has none). It has nothing to do with "size." -- TULSA, OKLA.

DEAR ABBY: A lousy lover is someone who walks into a room and says, "Do you want some?" He considers a few squeezes and pinches to be sufficient foreplay. Within 15 minutes it's all over, as far as he's concerned, whether his partner is satisfied or not. You know the old saying, "Wham-bam-thank you, ma'am."

It seems to me that if someone has to ask, you already know which class he falls into. -- PATRICIA W., VIRGINIA BEACH, VA.

TOMORROW: We'll hear from readers who answer the question, "What makes a great lover?"

For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Two years ago, my husband's sister had a sonogram to check for a possible gynecological problem. What the doctor discovered was an abdominal aortic aneurysm (AAA) that was large enough for mandatory surgery.

Her doctor told her to notify any siblings that they, too, should have a sonogram. The unexpected result of my husband's examination stunned us all. Bill, too, had an abdominal aortic aneurysm!

Bill was monitored for one year, until the aneurysm surged significantly. The operation followed a month later. The doctor's insight about the genetic factor probably saved Bill's life.

Abby, please tell your readers that this type of aneurysm is hereditary. If a parent or sibling has had an aortic aneurysm, then all siblings and offspring should be examined. We have been advised that our son must be tested when he reaches age 50 and should continue to have a sonogram every five years thereafter.

The cause of aneurysms is unknown, although several risk factors -- notably hypertension, smoking and atherosclerosis -- could possibly contribute to their development and growth. They have been found to occur more frequently in males than in females. Abdominal aortic aneurysms are silent and usually deadly if not discovered before they rupture. Ruptures are preventable with continued use of ultrasonography and CT scanning.

I hope my letter will be a red alert to anyone whose family has a history of aneurysms. Check with your doctor. Don't put it off! And physicians who are unaware of this should consider including "family history of aneurysms" on their new patient forms. It could save lives. -- BARBARA AND BILL GOLDSMITH, SAVANNAH, GA.

DEAR BARBARA AND BILL: I'm sure your warning will serve as a wake-up call to anyone who has a family history of aortic aneurysms. And another plus is the fact that the test is painless and non-invasive. Thank you for a letter that is sure to be a lifesaver.

DEAR ABBY: For my mother-in-law's birthday, my husband and I gave her what I considered a nice gift.

A week later, she came to my office, handed me the gift and said, "You can have this back. I already have one."

I was dumbfounded, but managed to ask her if she didn't want to exchange it and pick out something else. She replied, "I'll think about it," and left with the gift.

That was two months ago, and so far I haven't heard another word about it. I think her behavior was another example of rude, covert emotional abuse -- always delivered with a smile -- which seems to be her pattern with me.

Do you think I am overreacting because I am angry about this situation? -- HURT

DEAR HURT: Whether you are overreacting or not depends on how much of yourself you invested in selecting a gift for a woman you think is emotionally abusive. Her behavior was certainly rude.

Since you don't know how your mother-in-law resolved the problem, ask her how she handled it. And on gift-giving occasions in the future, consider presenting her with a gift certificate enclosed in a lovely card. That way there will be no further duplications or disappointments.

For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 42-year-old happily married man. About six years ago, my wife bought me a panty girdle to help me look a little trimmer. I had been trying to lose 15 or so pounds for almost a year without any success. My wife searched for a support garment designed for men and couldn't find anything, so she finally purchased a long-leg panty girdle with a high waist. I was reluctant at first, but eventually tried it on. It made a remarkable difference, holding in my potbelly and smoothing my love handles.

I now wear a panty girdle virtually every day and own several different brands. My wife is very helpful when I need to buy a new one. We both agree that it greatly improves my appearance.

So why do I have to worry so much that someone will discover my secret? Why is it OK for an overweight woman to wear something under her clothes to look trimmer, but for a man, it is weird?

I am not gay, and neither am I a cross-dresser, but I do wear what is considered a woman's undergarment. Either the manufacturers should start marketing a man's foundation garment or market their existing girdles for both men and women. I shouldn't have to be embarrassed by the fact that I need a little extra support to look good. I am sure I'm not the only man in the world who wears a panty girdle. What do you think? -- R.J. IN N.Y.

DEAR R.J.: If you feel secure wearing a panty girdle, more power to you. What people wear under their clothing is their business -- and nobody else's.

I have never heard of foundation garments for men, but you make a convincing argument in their favor.

DEAR ABBY: May I air a few gripes? Maybe someone will take notice.

I cringe when I see someone throw trash on the ground, or dump it out of a car window. I saw a lady in a new Mercedes dump her filled ashtray out the window at a stoplight. I honked my horn and gestured, but she ignored me and drove off.

I hate seeing people scream and hit their kids in public. I always wonder if they do that in public, what will they do when no one is looking?

Why can't schools teach courses in kindness, patience and manners?

Why do people buy dogs, then never take them on walks, never take them in the car when they go out, and make them languish in lonely backyards? Don't they know that dogs are pack animals who crave companionship and get bored just like humans?

Finally, I wish schools would start early on teaching kids that having babies is not the same as playing with dolls. Teach the difficult aspects. Show them how much money flies out the door when you have kids; teach them how exhausting it can be; let them see that if you have a kid when you are a kid, you are kissing your free-spirited, fun childhood goodbye, and saying hello to years and years of hard work. -- BIBI IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR BIBI: Lessons in kindness, manners, consideration for others and self-control should be taught in the home long before a child sets foot in school. But it may please you to know that in some high schools they are attempting to teach teens the responsibilities that parenthood entails. They "handcuff" automated dolls to students who are required to care for the "babies" day and night for one week. The dolls are programmed to cry at unpredictable intervals. I'm told that the program is very successful.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)