DEAR ABBY: I am a 42-year-old happily married man. About six years ago, my wife bought me a panty girdle to help me look a little trimmer. I had been trying to lose 15 or so pounds for almost a year without any success. My wife searched for a support garment designed for men and couldn't find anything, so she finally purchased a long-leg panty girdle with a high waist. I was reluctant at first, but eventually tried it on. It made a remarkable difference, holding in my potbelly and smoothing my love handles.

I now wear a panty girdle virtually every day and own several different brands. My wife is very helpful when I need to buy a new one. We both agree that it greatly improves my appearance.

So why do I have to worry so much that someone will discover my secret? Why is it OK for an overweight woman to wear something under her clothes to look trimmer, but for a man, it is weird?

I am not gay, and neither am I a cross-dresser, but I do wear what is considered a woman's undergarment. Either the manufacturers should start marketing a man's foundation garment or market their existing girdles for both men and women. I shouldn't have to be embarrassed by the fact that I need a little extra support to look good. I am sure I'm not the only man in the world who wears a panty girdle. What do you think? -- R.J. IN N.Y.

DEAR R.J.: If you feel secure wearing a panty girdle, more power to you. What people wear under their clothing is their business -- and nobody else's.

I have never heard of foundation garments for men, but you make a convincing argument in their favor.

DEAR ABBY: May I air a few gripes? Maybe someone will take notice.

I cringe when I see someone throw trash on the ground, or dump it out of a car window. I saw a lady in a new Mercedes dump her filled ashtray out the window at a stoplight. I honked my horn and gestured, but she ignored me and drove off.

I hate seeing people scream and hit their kids in public. I always wonder if they do that in public, what will they do when no one is looking?

Why can't schools teach courses in kindness, patience and manners?

Why do people buy dogs, then never take them on walks, never take them in the car when they go out, and make them languish in lonely backyards? Don't they know that dogs are pack animals who crave companionship and get bored just like humans?

Finally, I wish schools would start early on teaching kids that having babies is not the same as playing with dolls. Teach the difficult aspects. Show them how much money flies out the door when you have kids; teach them how exhausting it can be; let them see that if you have a kid when you are a kid, you are kissing your free-spirited, fun childhood goodbye, and saying hello to years and years of hard work. -- BIBI IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR BIBI: Lessons in kindness, manners, consideration for others and self-control should be taught in the home long before a child sets foot in school. But it may please you to know that in some high schools they are attempting to teach teens the responsibilities that parenthood entails. They "handcuff" automated dolls to students who are required to care for the "babies" day and night for one week. The dolls are programmed to cry at unpredictable intervals. I'm told that the program is very successful.

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DEAR ABBY: I am 11 years old. I'm in the sixth grade and I'm adopted. I don't have a mother, but I have two dads. My dad adopted me just after I turned 1 year old because my mother took drugs and didn't take care of me. My dad met his lover when I was 4, and we have lived together since I was 6.

The reason I am writing is for all the people who say bad things about my dad and me. It's usually not the kids at school, it's their parents and some of my teachers. They ask me if it bothers me that I was adopted by a gay man and don't have a mom. Well, it doesn't bother me -- only their questions bother me. I love my dad and he loves me. I have a godmother I see every couple of months and she's kind of like a mom to me.

Some people say that living with my dad is going to make me gay, but his parents raised him to be straight and he isn't. My dad was born gay and he can't change who he is. He says you either are or you aren't. He has never told me to like boys (or girls). He says when I am older, I will feel love for somebody, just like he loves John, just like my godmother loves her husband and just like my uncle loves his wife.

Abby, I know a lot of people read your column. Please print my letter so maybe people will think twice before they say hurtful things to people like me. Just because my family is a little different doesn't mean I'm not happy. The Bible even says you should not judge other people. -- HAPPILY ADOPTED IN ORLANDO, FLA.

DEAR HAPPILY ADOPTED: Thank you for a wonderful letter. There is an incredible amount of wisdom in that 11-year-old head of yours. May God continue to bless you.

DEAR ABBY: Per your recent request for examples of acts of kindness:

A Washington, D.C., man recently cleaned up and repainted a rusting and neglected police call box in front of his house. He was arrested for defacing government property!

A woman in the Midwest put a quarter in the parking meter of a total stranger. She was arrested for violating her town's parking laws.

A store owner on eastern Long Island put a sign in his window advertising the sale of pumpkins grown in his garden. He was arrested for violating some obscure zoning ordinance, and since his case has generated publicity, police and local officials have engaged in a campaign of harassment against him.

A public-spirited Chicago man who purchased an electric car to fight pollution is now engaged in a legal battle against the state motor vehicle officials, who claim that electric cars can't pass the required emissions test because they don't produce any emissions.

Who was it who said, "No good deed goes unpunished"? -- P.M. IN HICKSVILLE, N.Y.

DEAR P.M.: According to Brewer's Quotations, "No good deed goes unpunished" is attributed to Oscar Wilde.

I agree that on the face of it, the reactions of the authorities appear unjust. However, before I render a judgment, I would have to know more of the details.

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DEAR ABBY: This is in response to "Concerned Daughter," whose elderly mother is being prescribed narcotic medication.

The daughter indicates that the narcotics were prescribed for "aches and pains." Generally speaking, narcotics are not prescribed for general aches and pains. I've had 20 years' experience working alongside physicians and have never seen this happen. Narcotic medication is used to treat pain associated with cancer, injury or other serious pain conditions.

No one is able to feel another's pain. If "Concerned Daughter's" mother has a condition that requires strong medication, that is her physician's decision. I agree that it's important for the daughter to meet with the physician. There may be a condition that the daughter is unaware of. It may be that narcotic medication is the only treatment for the mother because of her age, poor surgical risk, etc.

Chronic, serious pain can have a debilitating effect on an individual, seriously impairing the quality of life. Patients with chronic pain should not be considered addicts simply because they are treated with narcotics. Addiction must be placed in proper perspective. Physical dependence and tolerance of drugs are not the same as addiction. Addiction is aberrant behavior and compulsive use of drugs for non-medical purposes.

Individuals who suffer pain should be viewed with compassion. -- EXPERIENCED IN PAIN

DEAR EXPERIENCED: No one should have to suffer pain when relief is available. However, since many seniors have difficulty monitoring their medications, they are at risk of not only addiction but serious drug interactions as well.

If a physician determines that a senior patient needs narcotic medication, it would be a kindness for a family member to stay involved to ensure the medication is taken as prescribed.

DEAR ABBY: In response to "Disgusted in Florida": My husband and I met and married in Florida 16 years ago. He, being single and in the Navy, had visited many nude beaches overseas throughout the years, so of course he tried to persuade me to go to a nudist club with him. My response was always, "No way!"

Two years ago, we were sent to Virginia, where he promptly found a nudist club. For some reason, I finally agreed to go with him. I was just like "Disgusted" -- I had assumed that people went to nudist clubs only to gawk at all the naked people. However, I figured I might as well go just once, so I could justify my feelings and prove to him that I was right.

Well, I was WRONG! I was surprised at the "non-reaction" the people there had. I was also sure that I would either catch him looking around or that I would be intimidated, but neither happened.

Persuading me to go took a lot of perseverance on my husband's part, and although I had determined that I was not the type to frequent such places, I am very happy that I went once. It became a valuable learning experience.

I guess this is a long way of saying, don't be so quick to judge before you try something. You may be pleasantly surprised! -- HAPPILY SURPRISED IN MINNESOTA

DEAR HAPPILY SURPRISED: Call me hung-up, narrow-minded, square or behind the times, but I would never be comfortable in a nudist colony. However, I wholeheartedly support the right of anyone with an opposing view to do as he or she wishes. (P.S. Hand me a towel, please.)

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