DEAR ABBY: Six years ago, my father buried his sister as she instructed in her will. Her son (my cousin) now complains to my father that there is no marker on his mother's grave.

As long as I can remember, my father's relatives have expected him to be the "godfather" to all of them. He buried his parents with no financial help from his eight brothers and sisters. He also paid for a lovely headstone for his grandparents' graves. His siblings complained that it wasn't fancy enough.

My father has paid for new cars, home repairs, etc., for this brother or that sister, but the only time they call him is to ask for more money. Most of them earn more than he does, but they blow their money on gambling or drinking.

My mother finally divorced Dad because his generosity has enabled his dysfunctional family to continue their wasteful ways. Father is in complete denial, but believe me, Mom was right. Dad made his wife and children do without, while never questioning his siblings' constant requests for money.

I say, if my drug-addicted cousin wants the Taj Mahal on his mother's grave, he should arrange for it and pay for it himself.

Despite my father's generosity to those who don't appreciate it, I still love him. I'm just fed up with relatives who have no conscience about spending the nest egg that was meant to take care of him in his retirement. Sign me ... TIRED OF BEING THE GODFATHER'S DAUGHTER

DEAR TIRED: Until your father finds the courage to say no to these moochers, they'll continue to regard him as a soft touch. I maintain: If someone takes advantage of you once, shame on him. If he takes advantage of you twice, shame on you.

I sympathize with your feelings, but it's your father's money and how he spends it is his decision. You can bet that he gets much gratification out of being the provider and the symbolic head of the family.

DEAR ABBY: My best friend "Sally" just called and told me that she had been visiting at her brother's house. While she was there, her sister-in-law showed her a "cute little trick" she had taught Sally's 2-year-old nephew. Abby, this sister-in-law is not exactly the family favorite. She handed him a lit cigarette, and he sucked in and blew out smoke! When Sally told her how disgusting that was, the boy's 4-year-old sister piped up, demanding her turn -- which she was given.

I told Sally to call child protective services, that this is child abuse. She refused because she's afraid that it will cause a family rift.

Abby, what can be done to help those kids? -- DISGUSTED IN VIRGINIA

DEAR DISGUSTED: If, after all the recent media attention focused on the addictive nature of tobacco, Sally's sister-in-law has not realized that encouraging her children to smoke is dangerous to their health, something must be wrong with her.

The family should be told about this woman's stupid and irresponsible behavior in the hope that family pressure will force her to stop. It is possible that what Sally observed was a one-time lapse in judgment. However, if it persists, I agree, child protective services should be notified.

DEAR ABBY: My best friend (I'll call her Jennifer) is getting married soon, and she is busy making her plans.

Jennifer's stepmother told her that the maid of honor and the bridesmaids must be unmarried virgins. Is this true?

This news has disturbed Jennifer because all the friends she has chosen to be in the wedding party are married. -- BRIDE'S BEST FRIEND, NEW JERSEY

DEAR BEST FRIEND: Jennifer's stepmother was either joking or she is misinformed. The bride chooses her best friends or closest relatives to be in her wedding party without regard to whether they are virgins or not. Marital and sexual status have nothing whatsoever to do with the honor of attending the bride.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My problem is that I have a terrible stutter. I am 38 years old and my co-workers make fun of me. I try not to show how much it hurts, and go along with whatever they are saying.

Is there anyone or anything that can help me? I recently heard about some kind of surgery that can help people who stutter. Do you know anything about it? Please help me. -- AFRAID TO SPEAK IN SAN ANTONIO

DEAR AFRAID TO SPEAK: I am unaware of a surgical procedure that can help people who stutter. But your letter arrived not long after another from a reader who shares your problem, and what she had to say should be of interest to you. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I am almost 18 years old and have been afflicted with stuttering most of my life. It hurts when I see people's ignorance of stuttering reflected through discomfort or ridicule.

Those who are unfamiliar with stuttering often think it consists only of initial sound repetitions like "C-C-C-Can you help me?" However, stuttering also consists of "blocks" such as getting stuck and becoming unable to utter a particular sound. This block can last varying amounts of time.

A common misconception is that stuttering is associated with fear and anxiety. It's true that these factors can increase stuttering, but it's uncertain what actually causes it.

Believe it or not, many notable personalities have stuttered, including Marilyn Monroe, James Earl Jones, Bo Jackson, and even the great Winston Churchill.

In 1993, I discovered a group called the National Stuttering Project. It is one of the greatest things that have happened to me as a person who stutters. The group publishes monthly newsletters, has 79 local support groups in the United States, and holds a large convention every summer.

If some of your readers stutter or know someone who does, or are simply interested in learning more about stuttering, they should write to the National Stuttering Project, 5100 E. La Palma Ave., Suite 208, Anaheim Hills, Calif. 92807. -- MARGARET HANSEN, SNOHOMISH, WASH.

DEAR MARGARET: Thank you for a helpful letter, and one which I am sure will be of interest to those who are trying to cope with that problem. The National Stuttering Project was founded in 1977 to let people who stutter know they are not alone. Its goal is to bring dignity, education and empowerment to children and adults who stutter, as well as assist their families and the speech-language pathologists who work with them.

An estimated 4 percent of all children stutter. Seventy-five percent of them will outgrow it. If children receive appropriate therapy at an early age, four out of five will not become chronic stutterers. Most adults can learn to manage their disorder with the help of a speech-language pathologist who specializes in stuttering. However, there is no universal treatment or cure.

I recently spoke with Annie Bradberry, director of development at the National Stuttering Project. She was on her way to speak to a group of schoolchildren who had been teasing a young classmate who stutters. Her mission was to help the students understand that children who stutter are no different from those who do not stutter except for their speech patterns. What a wonderful example of hands-on advocacy!

Readers, May 12-18 is National Stuttering Awareness Week. The toll-free number for the National Stuttering Project is 1-800-364-1677. The e-mail address is nspmail@aol.com.

For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: May I add to your examples of acts of kindness?

A short time later, a nurse from the hospital to which Cindy had been transferred called to update me on her status. Her injuries were severe; she was stable but critical and heading into surgery. Breaking all the rules, the nurse told me that my nephews, Jacob and Travis, had died instantly in the crash.

I had called ahead to Houston to reserve a rental car. But when I arrived, they refused to rent me one because I didn't have a current driver's license. My purse had been stolen the week before, and I had not yet gone to get a replacement. All I had with me was an expired card I was using for picture ID, but was told that was unacceptable. I was devastated. I was still two hours from the hospital where Cindy was.

I stood outside the rental office in the rain, ready to burst into tears, when two men who had been ahead of me in line at the counter approached and asked me why the agency wouldn't rent me a car. I explained about my sister, her family, the stolen purse and the missing driver's license. They listened sympathetically, then told me not to worry, they would get me there.

They were John and June James, a father and son who live in Houston. They took me to John's home so I could call my family and let them know I was all right. Then June drove me 120 miles (one way) to the hospital where my sister and surviving nephew were. I don't know how I could have gotten to her side without their help. June's sister rode along, talking with me and keeping me calm the whole trip.

June drove 240 miles, round trip, for a stranger -- and I pray that God blesses them for their generous and caring natures. I don't judge people by their color, but I know many ignorant people who do. Thankfully, the James family doesn't either, for you see, I am white and the Jameses are black. They saw a person in desperate need, and I saw a loving family.

My sister and nephew are still recovering from their injuries. Her husband sustained minor injuries, but like Cindy, he's dealing with the grief of losing two sons. -- BONNIE BURGETT, WILLMAR, MINN.

DEAR BONNIE: I'm gratified to know that your sister, brother-in-law and one of your nephews survived the tragedy. Please accept my condolences on the loss of the younger children, and thank you for sharing this act of kindness with me and my readers.

All too often, the media reflect only violence and tragedy because sensationalism is what sells. But there are generous, caring people who reach out to others every day. And as obvious as it may seem, it bears repeating.

CONFIDENTIAL TO "CHATTERBOX" IN MIAMI BEACH: Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something. (Plato)

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)