DEAR ABBY: Why does mental illness, which affects millions of Americans, remain so stigmatized and misunderstood?

My son, Mike, finally heard the last voice calling out to him from nowhere and saw the last terrible scene that was only in his mind. He died in his sleep on July 28, 1992. He often told me that, if he could, he'd just "lie down and go to sleep forever, to end it all." He had battled the devastating illness of schizophrenia for many years -- and although the disease did not kill him, it made him pray to die.

No one should have to endure what schizophrenia does to the mind, but worse is what society does to its sufferers. If my son had been stricken with cancer, he would have received sympathy. Because he suffered instead from a mental illness that sometimes made him do weird things, he was treated as less than an animal by some people. Professionals in the judicial system referred to him as a "sorry piece of human flesh." He was shunned by people with whom he yearned to be friends, and ignored by some family and church members. He once confided that sometimes people would say they would be his friend and then, when they found out about him, they left.

Please, Abby, urge your readers who don't understand mental illness to try to. There is such a volume of information available today that there's no excuse for being ignorant about it. Mental illness affects one out of every four families. Please tell your readers that if they know anyone who's suffering from mental illness, to reach out. Look beyond the illness to the inner person. They need friends.

I only wish more people had gotten to know the Mike that a few in his life looked beyond the illness and found. -- JEAN KEY, PRESIDENT, UPPER-CUMBERLAND ALLIANCE FOR THE MENTALLY ILL, COOKEVILLE, TENN.

DEAR MRS. KEY: Please accept my deepest sympathy on the loss of your beloved son. Perhaps your letter will provide insight to people who label the mentally ill as "weird" or "crazy," and fail to recognize that they are people with biologically based brain disorders.

More than 12.5 million families in the United States face the challenge of mental illness. For too many years the mentally ill and their families have been blamed and stigmatized. Often the stigma is more difficult to deal with than the disease itself, compounding the pain and sense of isolation.

In many parts of the country, it is difficult to find non-medical services for those with mental illness. Social, vocational and housing services are not available -- leaving the family to shoulder the entire burden of attending to the daily needs of their mentally ill family member.

More than half of the American public knows someone who has been diagnosed with a serious mental illness -- a family member, a friend or a co-worker -- yet stigmas and stereotypes persist. This shame keeps people who need it from seeking treatment and from reaching out for support from their communities. Yet with treatment, many people with mental illness can function in society.

The National Alliance for the Mentally Ill is a national umbrella organization for local support and advocacy groups for individuals and families affected by serious mental illness. The toll-free helpline (1-800-950-NAMI; 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. EDT) provides emotional support, referrals to local organizations and printed information to persons with serious mental illness and their family members. For further information, write: NAMI, 200 N. Glebe Road, Suite 1015, Arlington, Va. 22203-3754.

Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am sitting here half-bald after a horrendous trip to two hairdressers. The first did such a terrible job that I was forced to go elsewhere to get my hairdo repaired.

I went to the first salon for a simple trim. Although I explained what I wanted and even showed a picture to the hairdresser, I had the uneasy feeling she didn't understand. At that point, however, my hair had already been washed and I felt as though I had no choice but to go through with the haircut.

When she was finished, I was left with a disaster on my head. My hair was much shorter than I'd requested, with two thin layers that didn't blend together. I looked ridiculous and the hairdresser knew it. She asked me if I wanted her to take a little more off the top to help blend the layers, but I quickly said no. She charged me $24, which I reluctantly paid. I then had to pay more money to correct the disaster on my head.

After hours of combing, curling and crying, I am turning to you for advice. Can you help me and others like me by answering: After getting a "bad vibe" from a stylist, is it socially acceptable to refuse service (even after he/she has washed your hair)? What is the best way to find out what a stylist's concept of an inch is? If you are dissatisfied with your haircut, can you refuse to pay for it? -- ALL CHOPPED UP AND NO PLACE TO GO

DEAR ALL CHOPPED UP: You have my sympathy. If it's any comfort, your experience is not that uncommon.

Clear communication is the key. You should discuss your expectations in advance, and make sure they are clearly understood before any work is done on your hair. If you are uneasy, you can leave at any time, even if your hair has already been shampooed. You should not have to pay for anything that is not satisfactory. Reputable salons will not insist that you do.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 50-year-old housewife. After 31 years of marriage, my husband suddenly asked me for a divorce.

Over the years he has given me some very nice pieces of jewelry. I don't want to sell any of it unless I really need the money. It has a lot of sentimental value. Besides, I have seven daughters, two daughters-in-law and several granddaughters whom I would like eventually to inherit my jewelry.

My quandary is this: I would like to continue wearing these pieces occasionally. I also want to continue to wear my wedding rings since, to my way of thinking, I am still bound by the marriage vows we took (twice).

Is there any etiquette governing my situation? -- WONDERING IN TEXAS

DEAR WONDERING: You may continue to wear all of your jewelry in any manner you wish. However, you are still a relatively young woman, and divorced women who entertain the idea of someday marrying again often have the stones from their wedding and engagement rings reset into another kind of ring, which they wear on their right hand.

You would be wise to specify which pieces of jewelry you would like each family member to have. I urge you to consult a lawyer and put it in writing.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I just finished reading your column, as I do every day in my local paper. I have always found you to give wise, pertinent advice. However, your advice to "Scared in Denver" is way out of line! Never would I suggest to anyone, male or female, to give permission to the other "companion" (for lack of a better word) to "sow his or her wild oats" and then feel welcome to return to that relationship for any reason.

How about if the shoe were on the other foot and the lady in this relationship asked the man if she could sow her wild oats? Personally, I'd tell this young man, "Adios, and don't let the door hit you on your way out!"

I realize that he didn't mention that any sexual activity would be included in this "sowing"; however, it might be something to think about with all the incurable diseases that are out in "the wild oat fields." Please reconsider your advice, Abby. -- MOTHER OF TWO DAUGHTERS IN LAKE PANASOFFKEE, FLA.

DEAR MOTHER: I did NOT give permission to anyone to sow his (or her) wild oats! I said, "If you are seriously considering marriage to a young man who's asking for permission to sow his wild oats, I advise you to postpone the wedding until he is completely done. That way, you won't have to pray for a crop failure."

DEAR ABBY: I was a dental hygienist for 22 years and have been a practicing dentist for three years, so I feel qualified to respond to the hygienist who was disturbed by those who failed to brush their teeth before appointments.

Our job as oral health-care providers is not to judge our patients, but rather to relate to them as individuals and educate and motivate them to achieve better oral health.

Part of the hygienist's or dentist's job is providing proper brushing and flossing instructions. When my patients apologize for not having brushed before an appointment, I respond, "Relax. You're about to get a deluxe brushing," and I proceed to demonstrate proper techniques.

The hygienist who complained is probably burned out with her job and should either re-evaluate why she is a dental hygienist or choose another career. -- MICHELLE LEPAGE, D.D.S., LEE'S SUMMIT, MO.

DEAR DR. LEPAGE: Wise advice -- from the horse's mouth. (No offense, Doctor!)

DEAR ABBY: Although this is too late for St. Valentine's Day, I offer this romantic story:

At a party, I danced with a beautiful Irish girl named Marie. I nuzzled her long black hair, and when the number was over, we discovered that my chewing gum had become stuck in her hair. We had to get scissors to cut it out.

We married a year later and have stuck together for 55 happy years. -- ALBERT BELZER, VERO BEACH, FLA.

DEAR ALBERT: My readers always enjoy a love story with a happy ending. Congratulations to you and your bride for more than half a century of happy marriage.

DEAR ABBY: I read your column in which you advised people to be careful who they speak Spanish in front of because you never know who can understand you.

I would like to add, "Be careful speaking any foreign language because you never know who can understand it."

I have a granddaughter who was raised in Saudi Arabia. She now goes to college in South Carolina and is a food server part-time.

She was serving some people who were speaking Arabic among themselves. One person said, "The vegetables don't look fresh to me." My granddaughter said, "Oh, yes, the vegetables are fresh; I just cut them up this morning!"

Were those people ever surprised! -- IMPRESSED GRANDMA

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)