DEAR ABBY: This is in response to your column, "Abused Wife Learns What Love Isn't." Similarly, after 15 years with an abusive woman, I told her I had to leave. She left me emotionally overwrought and filled with undirected anger. With the help of counseling, I also figured out what love isn't. Ladies: If you see yourself in this -- take warning:

LOVE ISN'T ...

-- Saying, "You don't know what you're talking about" when your husband says that he doesn't feel loved.

-- Constantly badgering your husband to get a better paying job, when he makes an ample salary ($90,000 a year) and enjoys his work.

-- Continuously referring to your husband as "old man," knowing he resents it, especially when he's athletic and youthful looking for his age (48).

-- Grabbing and throwing your husband's hand down when he reaches out to touch or hold you.

-- Belittling your husband before others, even in his presence.

-- Telling your husband that no other woman would want him.

-- Blatantly seeking expensive, tangible "trappings of influence" for status' sake, to the detriment of living within means.

-- Not knowing or taking interest in what your husband does at work, realizing his work means a lot to him.

-- Consciously not being home or at the airport to welcome your husband after a long trip.

-- Reading and annoyingly chewing ice in bed until husband falls asleep, and feigning sleep until after husband leaves for work.

-- Refusing to visit husband's relatives, while demanding frequent visits to your relatives. -- THE GOODBYE HUSBAND WHO FINALLY FOUND TRUE LOVE AND CONTENTMENT IN RESTON, VA.

DEAR GOODBYE HUSBAND: What a sad description of lonely coexistence -- I hesitate to call it a marriage. Fortunately, not all women are like the first one you married. Congratulations on having found true love and contentment the second time around.

DEAR ABBY: In response to the father who wrote regarding leaving his 4- and 2-year-olds home from the family cruise: I was that 4-year-old, 24 years ago. My patents took my brother and sister to Disneyland, and I stayed behind with both sets of grandparents.

I would like to tell that father to do as you suggested: Plan special times for the kids at home -- ice cream excursions, nature walks, kids' museums, children's theaters, craft hour or going out for dinner. Make it extra-special for them, so they can tell the older ones when they return.

Being the younger child has its advantages later on in life. I was lucky to have my mom and dad to myself once the other kids left for college. I became an "only child" for a few years, and I would not have traded that quality time for anything in the world.

I hope the parents do some creative planning and go on their trip and enjoy. -- ADJUSTED IN PORTLAND, ORE.

DEAR ADJUSTED: I'm printing your supportive letter for that father to see. There is nothing as reassuring as the voice of experience.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JEANNE, my beautiful, talented firstborn. You are loved.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have read your column daily for many years and greatly enjoy your letters on random acts of kindness. Yesterday I read the letter about Darlene Godsey's husband, who came home a quadriplegic after an overdose of anesthesia during open-heart surgery, and how her friends rallied together to repair the things she had formerly relied on her husband to do.

It reminded me of something my quadriplegic friend Bernie did for me several years ago during a very lonely and difficult time in my life. I wrote occasional verse and had been sharing my poems with him over a bulletin board service via our personal computers. Through time we became good friends.

Unbeknown to me, he took the following verse of mine, had it printed in "Queen's English" and beautifully framed, and presented it to me as a gift, for no particular reason. That was a turning point in my life and inspired me to continue my writing and share it with others.

I have just recently completed my first poetry and verse manuscript and am hopeful it may be published someday. Bernie's gift, titled "Lessons You Learned," now has its own special place on my wall and is a daily reminder of the "random acts of kindness" that inspired me originally to write it.

I am sharing it with you in the hope that it will help people along life's journey either to recognize their own gifts or help someone else along their way. If you print it, I thank you. If you cannot, I understand you cannot print every letter you receive. I will continue to faithfully read your column because you so often touch so many hearts, and have often touched mine. -- MARLENE GERBA, MILWAUKIE, ORE. DEAR MARLENE AND DEAR READERS: Unfortunately, I am unable to publish all of the letters or the lovely poems I receive. However, this one moved me so deeply that I am compelled to share it. Read on:

LESSONS YOU LEARNED by Marlene Gerba

For every petal you pluck from a daisy,

You're granted one measure of love.

For every rainbow you find with two ends,

I wish you two stars from above.

For every tear you brush from a cheek,

I promise you kindness will follow.

Wherever you walk, under rainbows or stars,

Over daisies, or down lonely hollow.

For every child you play with and talk to,

I grant you one heart full of laughter.

For every smile you place on a face,

I promise you peace ever after.

If you think "I" am giving you priceless gifts,

Look close at yourself and your deeds.

The gifts you earned were the lessons you learned

While answering other folks' needs.

CONFIDENTIAL TO 'STILL TRYING TO CATCH THE BRASS RING IN HAWAII': In the words of Arnold Palmer, world champion golfer, "The road to success is always under construction."

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DEAR ABBY: The letter you recently printed from "The Goodbye Wife in California," who listed the reasons to leave her husband, hit home with me. I clipped it, and checked off the reasons with which I identified. It had a profound effect on me.

Before I read that letter, I had been reminiscing about the pleasant moments I had shared with my former husband, and had started once again to blame all our problems on myself. (I had not been understanding enough; I couldn't cook well enough; etc.) I fantasized that we could be united as a family again.

My 15-year-old daughter lives with me, and my 17-year-old son lives with his father. I miss my son and the good things about our family life. However, the letter in your column was a sobering and much-needed reminder of the sometimes subtle, but always devastating effects of being the object of intermittent humiliation, ridicule, name-calling, intimidation and physical abuse.

The writer mentioned that she had not yet left her abuser, and knew it was easier said than done. I know exactly what she's experiencing. She is most likely feeling ambivalent, because abused women usually have thinking patterns that reflect the destructive effect of abuse. We tend to gloss over the bad parts and glorify the good things (there are some good things even in a relationship of this kind, which is one of the most confusing aspects of living with an abuser). She may blame herself. She may be hoping her husband will see the error of his ways by reading her letter in your column and miraculously change.

I want her to know: That is a fantasy. It will never happen. He will not change, nor will he even admit he needs to. Worse yet, her children will learn the same inappropriate patterns of behavior.

She needs to leave that marriage as soon as possible and begin repairing the damage this man has inflicted. She must be prepared to experience the temptation to return to him as if everything would magically be better. She'll probably have difficulty relating in a healthy way to a kind and gentle man, but with therapy to assist in the healing process, she will be able to rebuild her self-esteem and be able to love again.

Now I'll tell you how her letter came to impact me: I left the column (with my check marks on it) in my bathroom. While my daughter and I were out, my former husband and my son came into my home. My ex found the column and observed that I had checked most of the items on the list. Did he recognize himself? Did he suddenly empathize with my feelings? Did he want to talk over the issues? No. He showed the list to my son. The two of them laughed about it and ridiculed me when I returned. My son then derisively described the list to my daughter.

For the first time in the many years I have known this man, I saw him clearly for what he really is. To enter my home, read personal things that pertain only to our relationship and then share them with our son is the most obvious example I will ever need of what emotional abuse is.

I thank your reader for the boost her letter provided me. I hope she will successfully negotiate the road to her personal recovery. It won't be easy, but there's a light at the end of the tunnel. And now, I can finally begin to get on with the rest of my life -- thanks to reading her letter in your column. -- BEEN THERE IN FLORIDA

DEAR BEEN THERE: I am gratified that "Goodbye Wife's" insight enabled you to resist the temptation to return to your abusive marriage.

I'm concerned, however, that your son appears to be following in his father's footsteps. Please insist that he get into counseling to break the pattern that all too often is passed from one generation to another. He will be much happier if he learns a better way to relate -- with kindness and consideration for others.

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