DEAR ABBY: I can't get a letter that I read in your column out of my mind. It was from "Happily Selfish Parent," who wrote that today's young people want everything and people of her generation wanted only food, shelter and clothing.

I would like to point out that all of the things she thinks we "have to have" -- television, computers, answering machines, pagers, CDs, videos and microwaves -- did not exist in her day. She couldn't want items that hadn't been invented yet. Nor was she bombarded by the media to desire such things.

Let me ask her this: Did you consider newfangled inventions like radios and telephones important? How about electric lights and indoor plumbing? It's all relative. Don't be a sour grape. -- LIVING FRUGALLY AT 35

DEAR LIVING FRUGALLY: I defended today's young people in my answer to "Happily Selfish Parent," but not as eloquently as they did themselves. They responded in droves. Most of them had part-time jobs while they went to school (some held more than one). Many have budgets and savings plans. Some have never borrowed from their parents, but of those who did, the majority paid back all the money. They purchase their "luxury items" with their own money.

One young reader summed it up very well: "Financial irresponsibility is not a generational trait but one that spans genders, races and ages. Please don't take your own family's shortcomings out on a whole generation. We have proven that we deserve better."

DEAR ABBY: I have a problem I haven't seen before in your column. My husband and I went to the wedding of a co-worker of his. A few weeks after the wedding, my husband's co-worker handed him a card, which turned out to be a thank-you note, generically thanking us for the lovely gift. The problem? We had not yet given a gift.

We and our friends are divided. Some say we are off the hook for a gift, since it would be embarrassing to the couple to receive a gift after sending us a thank-you note; others say if we were intending to give a gift, we should do so. We're curious as to what you say. -- WAITING TO HEAR

DEAR WAITING TO HEAR: If your husband does not come forward stating that you have not yet sent a gift, someone else may not receive the thank-you that is due.

DEAR ABBY: While I was moving a few boxes in the garage of our Montecito, Calif., home, I spotted an aging envelope. The postmark was barely legible: Atolia, Calif., Sept. 3, 1933. The writing was definitely mine. Enough of garage cleaning; I retreated to the porch overlooking the nearby Santa Barbara harbor.

Comfortably seated, I carefully opened the deteriorating envelope. The first few lines brought both memories and a smile. It was a love letter I had written decades ago while employed as a miner far out in the California desert. The letter was directed to a girl in Hermosa Beach, Calif., whom I must have loved very much. Gazing at the boats leaving the harbor, my mind was flooded with memories of the girl in Hermosa Beach. How well I recalled her laughing smile and diminutive size.

My thoughts of the distant past were interrupted by someone calling from the other end of the porch. A lovely woman was approaching holding a new gray suit. "You will look real handsome at our 50th anniversary next week," she said.

It was the girl from Hermosa Beach -- older, but as attractive as ever. -- DOUGLAS AND JUANITA ROBERTSON

DEAR DOUGLAS AND JUANITA: Congratulations on your 50th wedding anniversary. May you enjoy many more decades together.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: About a year ago, when I was five months pregnant, I found hidden pictures of my husband and his former girlfriend. These weren't just ordinary pictures -- they were very graphic sex pictures. I was devastated. I thought maybe he had forgotten about them, but when I confronted him, he admitted going down to the basement on occasion to look at them.

I know that he has not even spoken to her for years, so why would he take a chance to keep such pictures hidden in our house?

He is a wonderful husband and a great father to our two children. I really do trust him, but I am still upset a year later.

He has told me over and over that he is sorry, and I have forgiven him, but I just can't get this out of my head. I think about it all the time and have become very insecure.

Please print your reply as opposed to a personal reply, as he may get the mail first and think I am crazy for still having this hang-up. Sign me ... INSECURE

DEAR INSECURE: The timing of your discovery could not have been more unfortunate. But since he hasn't spoken to this woman in years and is a wonderful, trustworthy husband and a great father, you would be wise to quit torturing yourself over the incident. If you feel the need to dwell on something, count your blessings and dwell on them.

DEAR ABBY: I remodel houses for the Veterans Administration. I happen to be female, but I can lay flooring, hang Sheetrock, paint, wallpaper -- anything except electrical wiring.

I make frequent trips to hardware stores and lumberyards. Because I am small, my husband accompanies me to do the lifting and loading. Clerks in these stores frequently ignore me, but offer to help my husband. If I ask a question, the clerks invariably direct their answer to my husband.

Sometimes my husband will tell the clerk to talk to me, and sometimes I step between my husband and the clerk, smile and say, "I am the carpenter and the buying customer." The older male salesclerks are more set in their notions about women doing this kind of work, so I prefer female or young male clerks who are accepting of a female carpenter.

Forgive my bragging, but I also do crossword puzzles in ink. -- LADY CARPENTER IN LOUISIANA

DEAR LADY CARPENTER: Gloria Allred would love you. You have broken the gender barrier, making it easier for other women to go where females formerly feared to tread. More power to you!

DEAR READERS: About 20 years ago, a man named Howard Singer came to my office to repair a television set. Observing all the mail that was being handled by my small staff of secretaries, he said, "My wife would be perfect for such a job; she was a top-notch secretary for many years."

"Have her stop by the office for an interview," I suggested. Well, to make a long story short, Sylvia stopped by. I interviewed her, and gave her about a dozen letters to answer -- and the sample was ample!

Sylvia Singer had uncommon common sense and wit, and she was a marvelous addition to the Dear Abby staff until she retired four years ago.

She passed away on Feb. 8 -- leaving a brokenhearted husband and a small army of friends and admirers, including me.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 23-year-old man and I have been dating a wonderful woman my age for three years. We have a great relationship and rarely disagree. I love her for the time we have spent, the experiences we've had and the bond we share.

The problem is that we're at the age when a great many of our friends are married or getting married. I have a feeling that she could see herself married to me, but I have always had a difficult time picturing myself with her for the rest of my life.

I come from a family that has experienced two divorces, which makes me feel very strongly that I do not want to enter into marriage unless I'm absolutely committed and sure it will be 'til death do us part. Also, I have always subscribed to the belief that when you're in love and want to get married, there should be very little doubt that this is something you want to do. I have doubts.

I guess I'm wondering if there isn't someone out there I'm missing, and I don't want to rush into anything that I could regret forever. At the same time, there is nothing better than having someone who cares for you and for whom you care -- it's just not how I imagined things would be.

Am I living in a fairy-tale world, or is there a real love out there, one where there are no doubts? Everyone I know would probably say we have a good relationship and should stay together. I'm interested in what you and your readers might have to say. How do you define love? -- CONFUSED HEART IN MANHATTAN, KAN.

DEAR CONFUSED HEART: When in doubt, don't. Your girlfriend may be hurt at first, but you would be doing her a favor. She will not be happy with a man who doesn't truly love her, and the sooner you set her free, the sooner she can begin healing so she can look for someone who will love her.

To answer your question about the definition of love, I will summarize what I tell my teen readers in the booklet I wrote for them:

"To ask if it is love indicates doubt. Love is sure, and is built on inner realities. Love means liking a person as well as loving. Love is giving, not taking. It is wanting the best for the one you love. Love is on the go. It makes you want to charge out into the world and do, as well as think, big. It doesn't keep you inert, daydreaming and cooped up with only one person.

"Love wants to share. To the one you love, you give your thoughts and your dreams. A new happiness comes with sharing them.

"Mature love is honest and open. As time goes by and you learn more about the object of your affections, your love seems to grow stronger."

When love meets these criteria, then you can be pretty sure it is "real," and then you will want to make plans for the future.

CONFIDENTIAL TO "STRUGGLING STUDENT IN NEW HAVEN": "What matters today is not the difference between those who believe and those who do not believe, but the difference between those who care and those who don't." -- Abbe Pire

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)