DEAR ABBY: I would really appreciate your help in understanding the real issue in this situation.

My boyfriend, with whom I have been living for the past seven years, keeps a post office box in another town. I have been curious as to why, so I asked him last night because the subject of mail came up. (I had asked before, but got no reasonable answer.) He immediately became agitated and defensive and said it was none of my business. I told him that he was not reacting rationally and the reason he offered -- that he didn't want to do the paperwork to switch over to our hometown post office or home delivery -- didn't make any sense to me.

At that point he stomped away from the dinner table and claimed the real reason I asked that question had to do with lack of trust.

It's true, Abby. When our relationship was rocky a year ago, I learned that other women used that P.O. box to write to him. (He never confessed his affairs; I discovered them myself and confronted him.)

What is the real reason he is keeping this P.O. box?

He says he wants to marry me, but given his verbally abusive and physically threatening behavior last night, I have grave doubts that he can be trusted to build an honest relationship. He wouldn't even speak to me this morning.

What is really going on here? -- SEALED WITH A TEAR IN OREGON

DEAR SEALED: The truth is obvious -- but it's too painful for you to accept. He can't be trusted. Sorry.

DEAR ABBY: I am a Catholic priest who left the church 38 years ago to marry a widow with seven children. That wonderful woman died last June. Before she died, she made me promise that I would remarry.

At the time, I couldn't imagine marrying again, but while attending a grief session at the hospice center, I met an ex-nun who was also grieving, and we have been together ever since. Someday we may marry. I am 72 now and considering it. Why should I be lonely? Life is too short.

My stepchildren fear that I will be out of their lives and will forget about them if I remarry. I say "rubbish" to that. What I will be doing is giving them another mother.

What do you think, Abby? If you print this letter, I'm sure they will see it and maybe they'll feel less resentful about me and my grieving friend. Sign me ... SAD GRANDPA

DEAR SAD GRANDPA: Give your stepchildren time to get to know the woman you want to marry. I can't imagine why, after you've been in their lives for 38 years, they fear that you will "forget" about them.

Remember your promise to your dying wife. (It seems she judged her children's reaction with accurate foresight.) I believe you've earned the right to some happiness in your remaining years. Follow your heart, and God bless you.

CONFIDENTIAL TO ASPIRING ACTRESS IN ACTON, CALIF.: Remember, average is as close to the bottom as it is to the top. Don't settle for less than your potential -- strive for the best.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: After my father died unexpectedly, I didn't know what to do when my parents' next wedding anniversary came along. I was young -- under 30 -- and was not aware of the proper procedure. Should I buy my mother a gift, as I had always done for them in the past? Would it be better not to even mention the date to my mother? As I recall, I invited my mother for dinner, no gift, and only a mention of what day it was when we finished dinner. Now I feel I did the right thing. She knew I remembered, and she was not alone for dinner.

My husband died unexpectedly last summer. Today would have been our 54th wedding anniversary. In the past we had exchanged cards with certain friends and relatives on such an occasion. Yesterday I received a lovely letter from our best man's widow, recalling pleasant times we shared in the past. That is the only indication from anyone that the anniversary of our special day was today. I appreciated the letter I received so much, but I am sad that no other close friend or relative remembered.

I would suggest that when close friends or relatives are in a similar situation, sending a "thinking of you" card would be much appreciated. I feel so alone and forgotten -- and ashamed that I have been guilty of the same neglect of others in the past. I didn't realize how much it would mean to know that others remembered, too. No name or city, please. Just sign me ... SAD WIDOW IN ILLINOIS

DEAR SAD WIDOW: Please accept my sympathy on the loss of your beloved husband. There is much to be learned from your letter about the value of reaching out to others.

DEAR ABBY: One of my family members was recently married. She kept her last name and added her husband's name to it, so that she is now Mary Smith-Jones. Her husband is, of course, Harry Jones.

This past Christmas, my parents bought them a gift and addressed the card to "The Jones Family." My relative threw a fit, complaining that she was not included on the card. My mother countered that had she addressed the card to the "Smith-Jones Family," the husband would not have been included.

The way I see it, my mother is right. If the gift were only to my relative, it would be addressed to Mary Smith-Jones, but if it's to both, it should be "The Jones Family."

What is the proper way to address the whole family? Do we have to write out Mr. Jones and Mrs. Smith-Jones? To me, that's just a waste of time when we could simply write "The Jones Family."

Please settle this controversy and tell us how it's done. -- FEUDING FAMILY

DEAR FEUDING FAMILY: According to the etiquette books, you will have to make the extra effort if you wish to properly address the entire family. As it says in "The Amy Vanderbilt Complete Book of Etiquette, Entirely Rewritten and Updated," by Nancy Tuckerman and Nancy Dunnan: "When addressing an envelope to a couple when the wife has kept her maiden name (or hyphenated it with her husband's), write 'Ms. Mary Smith-Jones and Mr. Harry Jones' on the same line. If a couple's combined names are too long to fit on one line, address the envelope on two lines with the woman's name on the first, and the man's on the second, preceded by 'and.' The 'and,' when slightly indented and written out, indicates that the two are married."

CONFIDENTIAL TO "LOVES PEOPLE" IN LOUISVILLE: Mae West once said, "I only like two kinds of men: domestic and foreign." You're in good company!

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am 18 years old and recently went from 180 pounds to 130. I've dropped six pants sizes, plus two more sizes in shirts. You can definitely see the difference.

Ever since I was a little girl, my parents have bugged me to lose weight, even though I was healthy and well-built. I played sports and ran track, so a lot of my weight was muscle, but my parents always wanted me to look like a tiny gymnast in miniskirts, so they bribed me to lose weight. By the time I was in the eighth grade, I was so depressed about my weight that I considered suicide.

About 6 1/2 years ago, I began sticking my fingers down my throat every time I ate. Now I throw up after I eat whether I stick my finger down my throat or not. I know it's not healthy. I know I am bulimic, and it is not a joke.

I want to have a husband and children someday, but I know that won't happen unless I get well. You can bet that if I'm lucky enough to have children, I'll love them no matter what size they are.

Please tell me where I can get help, Abby. And please tell parents to stop criticizing their overweight children. Help them lose weight, yes, but constant nagging and poking fun only lead to desperate measures on the part of the child. -- READY TO MOVE ON IN HOBBS, N.M.

DEAR READY TO MOVE ON: It is a sad commentary that someone as young as you had to resort to such drastic and life-threatening measures.

Bulimia nervosa is an eating disorder characterized in part by a preoccupation with food, binge eating (usually in secret) and purging after eating. The disorder is generally accompanied by depression, shame and guilt, mood swings, low self-esteem and withdrawal from normal social activities. Physically, bulimics can suffer from malnutrition, dehydration, tears in the esophagus, and serious heart, kidney and liver damage. If left untreated, it can even be fatal.

It is important to recognize that food is not at the heart of any eating disorder. Parents, if you feel that you or your child may have an eating disorder, either bulimia nervosa or anorexia nervosa, do not blame or try to make your child feel guilty. Express your love and support and try to be understanding. Realize that your child is terrified of something, and seek professional help immediately.

For information on eating disorders and a referral to a doctor, therapist and support group in your area, contact the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders by writing to: ANAD, Box 7, Highland Park, Ill. 60035. Enclose a long (business-size), self-addressed, stamped (55 cents) envelope. ANAD's hotline, answered by understanding counselors, is (847) 831-3438.

DEAR ABBY: I am a clerk in a store. Recently I asked a young female customer a question. She replied, "Yes, ma'am."

"Ma'am" and "Sir" may seem old-fashioned and out of style, and to some people they smack of servitude, but it fell sweetly on my ears. It was a welcome display of manners, since only minutes before I had heard another young female shopper tell her child, "Get your a-- over here!" -- MILWAUKEE MANNERS MOURNER

DEAR MOURNER: While formal etiquette is not as prevalent as it once was, the majority of people still practice casual good manners.

However, the parent who speaks crudely to her child, regardless of how annoyed she may be, is in for a rude awakening, because in a few years her child will be responding to her in the same manner.

Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)