DEAR ABBY: After 13 years of being with an abusive man, I finally figured out what a jerk he really is. I am leaving him very soon, although it is easier said than done. I have my "Dear John" letter ready. I sat down one day and wrote down all of the things he has put me through, and titled it "Love Isn't ..."

Perhaps if other women read it, they will know they aren't alone and everything isn't their fault, which I was led to believe so many times.

Guys: If you see yourself in this, be prepared to see your wife and kids walk out someday. It's just a matter of time.

LOVE ISN'T ...

-- Raising your hand with intent to scare or harm your wife.

-- Making yourself absent when your wife is sick.

-- Coming home half-drunk.

-- Standing her up on an important occasion, like the celebration dinner at the hospital for the birth of your child.

-- Screaming, "You're fine" when your wife feels sick or scared.

-- Calling her a liar when she's never lied to you.

-- Being nice only when you want something -- like sex.

-- Calling her stupid, ignorant or a bitch.

-- Saying, "You think you're always right," after asking her opinion.

-- Thinking always of what will make you happy, not your wife or your child.

-- Criticizing your wife in front of other people, or even worse -- your children.

-- Saying you're going to inflict physical harm because you don't like what she's saying.

-- Ordering her to "Stop crying," or insisting, "That didn't hurt; you exaggerate everything."

-- Saying, "If you don't like it, LEAVE!"

-- Shoving, hitting, or even pretending to do so.

-- Making her life miserable when you're at home. And that's why I ain't here! -- THE GOODBYE WIFE IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR GOODBYE WIFE: Your description of your marriage is chilling. I have said this before, but it bears repeating: Life is filled with choices. Sometimes it's necessary to ask yourself, "Am I better off with him -- or without him?" I wish you better luck in your next relationship. Fortunately, not all men are like the one you married.

DEAR ABBY: I am 74 years old and have attended many funerals and memorial services in my lifetime, and I have decided that I do not want one.

When I tell my children this, they just smile and say, "Of course we will have a service for you."

Sometimes the music and sermon are comforting, but for the most part funerals are dreary affairs. Most people attend out of respect for the family. The deceased certainly doesn't know who is there.

Since I feel so strongly about having no service of any kind, don't you think my family should abide by my wishes? -- ANONYMOUS IN OREGON

DEAR ANONYMOUS: Yes, but let's face the facts. Funerals are for the living, and the "star of the show" has no voice in the matter. As Lord Beaverbrook once said, "The only reason I might go to a funeral is to make absolutely sure that person is dead!"

If you are adamant about not wanting a funeral, suggest to your children that instead you would prefer a "celebration of life." These services are increasingly popular, and are usually more cheerful than traditional funerals.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I had intended to order some of those "Please Call Police" banners you mention periodically, but in the past I have procrastinated. This year I made it a New Year's resolution.

Last summer our car broke down on I-81 during a vacation trip. My husband has emphysema. It was hot and humid, and my husband was having trouble breathing. We had no electricity to power his nebulizer, and we were carrying no oxygen with us. We sat by the side of the road for a very long time and no one stopped to help us. We tried reaching 911 or the police on our CB radio with no luck. Seeing no other alternative, I got out of our car and started walking for help. My husband was so scared, Abby. When I left him in the car he didn't think he would see me again.

I finally managed to stop a truck on an off-ramp, and the driver was considerate enough to take me to a gas station where I could use a phone to call for assistance. All the police were busy, but they did summon a wrecker who came for us and took us to a garage, where we called a sister to come and pick us up.

Please print the ordering information for the banners again. I want to order two -- one for the front and one for the rear window of our car. We want to be independent again. As it stands, a relative either accompanies us or follows us to our destination when we go out of town. -- MRS. G.E. BEARD JR., LEXINGTON, VA.

DEAR MRS. BEARD: I'm pleased that your frightening experience had a happy ending. And thank you for sharing your story so that I can remind my readers to order the "Please Call Police" banners, which can literally be lifesavers in a roadside emergency.

To order, write WCIL-Banners, P.O. Box 91501, Los Angeles, Calif. 90009. You will receive one PLEASE CALL POLICE banner as a premium for a $5 contribution to WCIL, and another banner with each additional $4 contribution. (Like you, Mrs. Beard, many people order two, one for the windshield and one for the rear window -- so it can be seen "coming and going.")

Checks or money orders (U.S. funds only, please) should be made payable to WCIL-Banners. Allow eight weeks for delivery. The Westside Center for Independent Living is a not-for-profit organization that helps disabled people live independently.

DEAR ABBY: I need your opinion: Recently, while watching "Baywatch," I saw a scene where two male actors were sitting at a beachside restaurant watching the bikini-clad ladies walking by. I think of myself as normal -- and I mentally placed myself there with them.

I mentioned this to my wife who was present, and she lit into me, saying, "Men looking at bikinis are only evaluating the women toward having sex." (Actually, she was a bit more crude.)

I didn't argue, but I resented the guilt trip she tried to put on me. I am over 60, still virile, and the father of three beautiful daughters who grew up unabashed by nudity. I enjoy looking at good-looking women of all ages, and seldom did I have a prurient thought unless I had a good reason.

Abby, in your opinion, is it wrong for a man to enjoy "girl watching"? -- INTERESTED IN TEXAS

DEAR INTERESTED: I subscribe to the old adage "You can't blame a man for looking" -- as long as he doesn't drool.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: This problem may sound inconsequential, but it sure is annoying. In fact, I am steaming. I want a second tea bag!

Whenever we eat out, my wife orders coffee and I order tea. Usually the coffee and tea cost the same, so why is it that the servers come around with big pots of fresh coffee, endlessly refilling my wife's cup for free, yet when I ask for a refill, I only get more hot water? When I ask for a new tea bag, I'm almost always told, "I'll have to charge you for a new cup." Abby, if you've ever had to reuse a tea bag, you know that it makes a weak, disgusting cup of tea.

A box of 100 tea bags is, at most, $4.50 in a supermarket; presumably, restaurants buy in bulk and pay less. That means a cup of tea costs them less than 5 cents (there's no point in including the cost of water and heating, since that's also done for free coffee refills).

Considering that restaurants charge anywhere from 85 cents to $1.10 for a cup of tea, I would hope that they could shell out four whole pennies for another tea bag for their customers -- customers who certainly order more than just tea, and leave a tip besides.

Abby, since your column is read daily in restaurants and diners across America and Canada, perhaps you can help me and thousands of other tea drinkers by printing this:

RESTAURATEURS: If you're going to be generous enough to offer a second cup of coffee free (and a third and a fourth), kindly treat your hot-tea drinkers with the same generosity. -- TEA-ED OFF IN NEW YORK

DEAR TEA-ED OFF: What kind of establishments are you patronizing? I checked with two national chains -- Denny's and Howard Johnson's -- and was told that they will give a free second tea bag upon request. If a server gave an answer like the one you received, I'd ask to talk to the manager. And if the manager didn't overrule the server, I'd make it plain -- in the friendliest and most polite vernacular -- why that restaurant wouldn't be getting any more of my business. Refusing to give a patron a second tea bag is a foolish economy, considering the cost of poor public relations.

DEAR ABBY: I have read with interest the letters in your column about providing condoms to youth in high schools to protect them from pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. I am reminded of something that happened during World War II.

A company of young U.S. infantry soldiers was preparing to invade a Pacific island. Our company was assembled on the upper deck of our ship, and we were told we would have to wade ashore under enemy fire. All of our personal belongings except our battle gear were put in duffel bags for storage. Our sergeant then gave each man a cellophane-wrapped package. Much to our surprise, each package contained four condoms! You can imagine the comments that were made about what kind of invasion this was to be!

However, our speculations were short-lived because we were told to roll our socks and put one in each condom and tie the end so that water could not get in. Of course, we immediately understood the importance of this command. Since the infantry travels on its feet, it was mandatory that we put dry socks on at the first opportunity after getting ashore.

No doubt some high-ranking "dog-face" in the Pentagon thought of this detail, and we owe him a debt of gratitude. -- JIM ISBELL, FORT WORTH, TEXAS

Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)