DEAR ABBY: I've never been one to cry, but my grandfather, Jesse "Mim" Toney, died in October 1996, and I miss him. He was a hero. A REAL hero. Not just because he was Gen. George S. Patton's chauffeur and valet during World War II, but because of who he was.

His life taught me something I need to share. It's something we are losing as individuals, as families, and even as a country. It's something that is there, like faith, even when everything else falls apart. You need it. I need it. The whole world needs it. You can't build enough of it. It won't leave you when times get tough. It will carry you. It's what makes real men and women honorable. It's being underappreciated. It's what grew the fastest the weaker he got. It was his character!

Yes, character. Like respect, it is not something you ask for; it's something you earn. Like strength, it's not something granted; it's developed. It may only count to those who have it -- but character counts.

He was not impressed by what someone accomplished, but by what they had overcome. That's character.

He didn't take the easy way. He took the right way. That's character.

He accepted responsibility for his actions, faced the consequences without complaint and lived his life the best he could. That's character.

His road map was the Scriptures; his compass was his heart; his passion was his family; his character was his art.

That's what he taught me, and I think the message is worth repeating. -- JEFF POWELL, DUBLIN, OHIO

DEAR JEFF: Please accept my sympathy on the painful loss of your beloved grandfather. Obviously, your letter was written from the heart. It would have made a beautiful eulogy. Thank you for sharing the important life lessons your grandfather taught you.

DEAR ABBY: I was raised in an old-fashioned home. I was taught to sew and cook and be a worthy wife and mother. I cooked and fed my family wholesome meals.

Unfortunately, one of my sons ("Tom" -- not his real name) married a woman who never cooks. She waits until Tom comes home after a hard day's work at the office, then she sends him out to some fast-food place to pick up their evening meal. This is not just occasionally; this is every night of the week except when they go out to eat. I invite them to my home for dinner as often as I can.

Tom is a good husband and father. He doesn't drink, smoke or gamble. He's a good provider and allows his wife to stay home and not work.

My question is, why aren't mothers these days preparing their daughters for marriage? Don't you think men should consider this a requisite when courting? It could save marriages. -- OLD-FASHIONED AND GLAD OF IT

DEAR OLD-FASHIONED: You and I are a generation apart from your son and his wife, so it would be easy for me to agree with you.

However, these days it takes more than talent in the kitchen to make a marriage work. I find it telling that your son is not the family member who is complaining. As long as he has you, I'm betting neither he nor his wife will learn to cook.

For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Here's one for which I would appreciate a solution. The guys at the office didn't have an answer.

I was at a very crowded shopping mall and needed to use the rest room as I was leaving. The men's room and the ladies' room were side by side. The ladies' room had a line outside it, while the men's room had no waiting line.

As I approached the men's room, the women started to grumble loudly about having to wait and split up into lines outside both rest rooms. This effectively restricted my access to the men's room, so I departed the mall and drove to the nearest gas station to use the rest room there.

What should a male's proper course of action be in a situation like this? -- LEGS CROSSED IN NEWARK

DEAR LEGS CROSSED: I think your course of action was intelligent. But on my way out, I would have reported it to mall security.

DEAR ABBY: Why would a bright, pretty 23-year-old allow herself to be emotionally abused by her husband?

Birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, St. Valentine's Day, etc. come and go without so much as a card or any kind of acknowledgment. They have had many fights over this -- and my daughter has told him how hurt she is. He is always "sorry" and has some kind of excuse, but this happens over and over again.

It hurts me to see how upset she gets, but as a parent, what should I do? -- UPSET MOTHER DOWN SOUTH

DEAR MOTHER: Do not offer any "solutions" or advice. It's nice to be remembered on special occasions, but how does he treat your daughter every other day in the year?

DEAR ABBY: The story of the Spanish speakers who assumed two blond Anglos wouldn't understand their rude comments reminds me of two incidents.

A blond man my husband works with had learned Hmong while serving in Vietnam. One day he was on the Paris subway while two girls were speaking Hmong to each other, harshly criticizing fellow passengers. The man waited until a break in their conversation, then gave them an equally bold critique -- in fluent Hmong. They were so stunned, they missed their stop.

Then there was the deaf woman I often waited on in a fabric shop where I worked. She liked for me to help her since I would sign "Hi" (the only word I knew in sign language), speak clearly while facing her, and take the time to puzzle out her speech. One day she told me that two women shopping nearby were planning to steal quite a few very expensive buttons by tucking them into the folds of the fabric they were buying. Sure enough, the manager stopped the women outside the store and the buttons were in the fabric. How did my customer know? She had read their lips! -- CORYN WEIGLE, ALEXANDRIA, VA.

DEAR READERS: Today we celebrate the 265th birthday of George Washington, the father of our country: Happy Birthday, George!

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I must take exception to the letters from Joseph Murray and Emily Maheu about rank in the military.

I was with my husband during 29 years of military life, and during that time I realized that acknowledgment of military rank is nothing more than respect for position and achievement. Let's face it, without such acknowledgment our society would be mediocre and achieve less than its full potential.

Our children should be taught to recognize success, achievement and experience. They can do that by addressing adults by the proper title, even if it is nothing more than "Sir" and "Ma'am." If our children can address a doctor as "Doctor," they can address our military by rank, an expression of acknowledgment and respect. Your first response was more to the point. -- HELEN A. FOWKES, PUNTA GORDA, FLA.

DEAR HELEN: From the mail I received from people formerly and presently in the military, you and I are in the minority, and only now am I receiving letters from people like you who agreed with my answer. Thanks for your support.

DEAR ABBY: One more word, please, on whether children should address military personnel by their rank.

Your correspondent, Joseph J. Murray, wrote that a 12-year-old girl shouldn't be expected to know the level of military ranks. She does not have to. She can call a lieutenant "Lieutenant" without knowing whether he outranks a captain.

The wife of a retired officer didn't want her children to "feel that one person deserves more respect than another just because of rank," so she did not teach her children to address their parents' friends by their rank. Using the same reasoning, I assume she taught her children to call a doctor "Mister." After all, calling him "Doctor" might give him too much respect.

The fact is, it is just as wrong to address someone in the military as "Mr." or "Ms." as it is to call a physician "Mr. Jones." Those honorifics are applicable only to civilians. The only exceptions are warrant officers and certain junior naval officers, who are properly addressed as "Mr." Parents who object to the proper use of titles are passing their ignorance along to their children. -- WALTER H. INGE, LT. COL., USAF (RET.), ATLANTA

DEAR ABBY: I have a question that may be of interest to your other readers.

Why do newspapers publish notices that state that on a particular day and between certain hours, the police will crack down on speeders along a specified highway in a special effort?

In my opinion, the disclosure defeats the purpose of the special effort. -- CARL THOMPSON, CHULA VISTA, CALIF.

DEAR CARL: It depends on how you interpret the purpose of the special effort. Look at it this way: The crackdowns are usually announced at holiday time when highway traffic is particularly heavy and many of the drivers have been partying with alcohol. Public warnings cause many drivers to slow down and pay closer attention to the road because they know the police are out in force and looking for "speeders." The benefit is fewer out-of-control drivers on a holiday weekend, and, let's hope, fewer accidents and tragedies.

Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)