DEAR ABBY: I need your help. Please print this for the people in Edgewater, Fla., to see.

PLEASE DO NOT HELP OUR SON TO SMOKE

Our son is 14 years old, but he looks 18. I have caught him smoking several times. He keeps promising to quit, but I know he is still smoking because I can smell it on his clothes and in his hair. He has lost many privileges since you have been buying him cigarettes.

He is not wise enough at 14 to make this decision, and I need your help in this very important matter.

If he asks you to buy a pack of cigarettes for him, just say, "No, it's illegal!"

If the kids get enough "nos," it might help them to stop. Abby, they are our future leaders. Let's not let them mess up. I read that one out of three people who are addicted to smoking will get cancer.

Thanks for listening. I am signing my name, but please sign me ... A CONCERNED MOTHER, EDGEWATER, FLA.

DEAR CONCERNED MOTHER: I am printing your letter because you represent many mothers (and fathers) who do not want their teen-agers to smoke. I hope this helps, although my mail tells me that nicotine addiction is harder to overcome than alcohol. People who buy cigarettes for underage smokers are doing them no favor.

DEAR ABBY: I want to give recognition to a wonderful person. She is my ex-husband's new wife.

I had conflicts with his girlfriends in the past. Our son lives with him, and it's been difficult for me to deal with another woman telling my son what to do, etc. However, Erica (10 years younger than I am) opened up and told me some background about herself and her family. She shared some frustration and asked for my advice about dealing with my son and similar problems she had with in-laws.

Maybe her discussing these things with me is not proper; I don't know, as I am not well-versed in proper etiquette for extended families. However, Erica embraced me as being an equal part of the family. She is so warm to me and I admire her so much.

I care a great deal for my ex, and we make great friends but a miserable couple. We have put the best interests of our son above everything else, and Erica is mature enough not to be threatened.

I think that she is lucky to have my ex, as he is a wonderful man, but now I also think he is lucky to have her. My son is lucky to have such an open-hearted stepmom.

More divorced couples should think about how the kids feel so torn, like they have to choose between parents. I am so grateful that my son hasn't been put in that position. I want to thank all stepparents who are like Erica. Thanks so very much, Erica. -- DANA WHITESIDE, CINCINNATI

DEAR ABBY: As a 16-year-old Canadian living in Toronto, I would like to clear up some misconceptions that people have about us Canadians:

1. We don't live in igloos; we have regular beautiful houses.

2. It's not freezing year-round. Yes, it does get cold in the winter, but it also gets pretty hot in the summer.

3. Michael Johnson is not the fastest man in the world! Donovan Bailey is, because he won the 100 meters in the Olympics in record time. And, if memory serves me right, it's always been the winner of the 100-meter race who gets the title of world's fastest man. -- PROUD CANADIAN IN TORONTO

DEAR PROUD CANADIAN: I'm not sure what set you off, but I'm pleased that many Canadians (and particularly Donovan Bailey) will be delighted to see that you've gone on record. Michael Johnson overshadowed Donovan Bailey's Olympic triumph last summer in Atlanta. Technically, Bailey, who ran 9.84 seconds for the gold, is the "world's fastest man." The test will be May 31 in Toronto, when Johnson and Bailey compete in a 150-meter match race.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: How "white" of you! When "A Proud Shoshone" in Wisconsin asked about the origin of the term "Indian giver," you went to the printed reference books. Why didn't you ask a tribal elder?

Our elders have taught us that the term described Native actions in a negative light because whites did not understand them. (There are more than 500 tribes, so a blanket statement or description is impossible and inaccurate.)

In some tribes, if someone admired something, the owner gave it to the admirer. If good will existed, a Native would give a gift to a person. If something happened to destroy that good will or friendship, the Native would take back the gift.

It was a basic, simple act, totally misunderstood by the Europeans, who thought it was terrible and made it more than it truly was. -- A PROUD CHEROKEE/COLVILLE

DEAR PROUD CHEROKEE: You are not the only person who took me to task for printing the Henry Holt Encyclopedia of Word and Phrase Origins' definition of the term "Indian giver." I got a bale of mail on the subject. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: The term "Indian giver" has to do with honor. Indians were great gift givers. If the person receiving the gift did something that was dishonorable or otherwise brought shame, the giver could ask for the gift to be returned. The giver did not want to be guilty by association. -- LACY R. BETHEA JR., TUCSON, ARIZ.

DEAR ABBY: In the Indian culture on the East Coast, you could "borrow" a tool, use it and return it in the Golden Rule tradition.

When the settlers arrived, they brought with them tools never before seen by the Indians, who borrowed them according to local tradition. When the item was returned, however, the Indian was jailed for "stealing" -- and in one case, hanged.

When the Indian would "give" an item to someone because it was praised or needed, the settlers complained when the owner wanted it back -- hence the term "Indian giver."

By the same token, Indians had no knowledge of "orphans," since a child who lost its parents was automatically cared for by relatives. As time went on, and English-style work houses were established for orphans and old widows, the Indians were not able to comprehend such callousness.

Far from being savages, the Indians had a culture that lived with the land for the benefit of all. Different, yes; worse, no! -- R.O. IN VIRGINIA

DEAR ABBY: Perhaps the white settlers used the phrase "Indian giver" with each other when giving something they expected back, just as they knew that when their government gave land to the Indians, the government would eventually take it back.

The same could be said for "Indian" being used as a synonym for bogus or false, for the supposed valuables given to the Indians in trade were often things that had little or no value to the whites who had given them. With the passage of time, the victims were blamed with these false labels.

Make sense? I am not an Indian. -- SEEING RED IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR ABBY: The expression "Indian giver" refers to the early U.S. government giving land to the Indians through signed treaties, then breaking the treaties. It happened over and over again, from one end of the country to the other until nobody could trust the government treaties.

The expression "Indian giver" does not insult American Indians, but points to the early U.S. government's and settlers' wrongdoing. I hope you'll print this for "Proud Shoshone" as a step toward righting some wrongs. -- PATRICIA S., EUGENE, ORE.

For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for 15 years and have a boy, age 12, and a girl, 8. We get along very well except when it comes to disciplining our children.

About three months ago, we were at a mall shopping with our children. My husband became infuriated with our son because he wasn't paying attention to him when he was showing the correct way to fold a pair of pants.

I thought my husband overreacted and told him so. This resulted in his not talking to me for seven weeks.

We are now speaking to each other as if nothing ever happened, but we have not made love since that incident. Abby, we have never been without sex this long.

I feel rejected every night and my self-esteem is very low. I want to talk to him about it, but I'm afraid he will stop talking to me again. I feel as if I am getting mixed signals because we have regular conversations during the day, but at night he goes right to sleep.

What do you think is going on? -- CONFUSED IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR CONFUSED: Your husband is still punishing you for the incident that took place in the mall three months ago. He appears to be a very selfish man with an unforgiving nature -- and petty as well -- to punish you in this manner. He is cutting his nose off to spite his face ... well, it's not really his nose, but you get the idea.

When the children are asleep, tell him you would like to discuss this misunderstanding that caused him to clam up, and then to stop making love to you. Assure him that you love him very much and want to resolve the "misunderstanding" before any more time elapses. If necessary, suggest seeing a marriage counselor to resolve this problem. If he refuses, go without him.

DEAR ABBY: This letter is in response to "Brokenhearted Mother," whose obese son died in his sleep. I want this dear woman to know that the very day after her letter was published, I started attending Overeaters Anonymous meetings. I am in my early 20s and extremely obese. I am painfully aware that without help my life is in serious jeopardy.

Food is an addiction like no other. You can't get away from it, hide it or go cold turkey. It follows you day and night. I have an addiction and I know that I always will have. My only hope is to seek help and support. Hopefully, over time, I will become a thinner, healthier person, but there are no guarantees. I like to say that it is not just about lightening up your body, but also about lightening up your soul.

Again, to "Brokenhearted Mother," I am so sorry for your loss. You did a good thing, however, by getting out the message -- "Obesity does kill!"

On a final note: The next time you see a fat person on the street, please show a little compassion. We already know we are fat. -- GRATEFUL IN ONTARIO

DEAR GRATEFUL: I hope "Brokenhearted" sees your letter. For those of you who would like to contact Overeaters Anonymous, there are chapters in almost every city. If you have difficulty finding one near you, send a long, self-addressed, stamped envelope to Overeaters Anonymous World Service Office, P.O. Box 44020, Rio Rancho, N.M. 87174-4020.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)