DEAR ABBY: What do you think of the practice of "reserving" a seat at a public event by placing an object such as an umbrella or a coat on the seat? My feeling is this should not entitle a person to select a choice seat, then wander off for half an hour or more and expect others to respect the "reservation." Abby, will you please state in your column that saving a seat for someone who is late is very unfair and should not be permitted?

Also, how should a situation of this kind be handled? Maybe you haven't been in a situation of this kind, but I'd like to hear from people who have. Is it fair, or isn't it? And if the person who is "holding" a seat for a latecomer encounters an angry theatergoer, who is entitled to the seat? I have witnessed some ugly scenes as a result of "seat saving" in theaters. What do you say? -- SAN FRANCISCAN

DEAR SAN FRANCISCAN: If a person comes in and says, "My friend (or spouse) is parking the car and I am saving a seat for him (or her)," that's fine.

But I would have a problem with the person who lays claim to a block of six or eight seats together. However, under no circumstances would I engage in an argument about it in a public place.

DEAR ABBY: I am a divorced woman with three children, 11, 10 and 7. Through the Internet, I met a man who lives in Kentucky. (I live in California.) I'll call him Dan. He is a high school teacher and is by far the kindest, most considerate man I have ever known.

Dan invited me to his house for Thanksgiving, and he spent a week at my home at Christmas. He and my children got along great; in fact, they are still talking about him.

Dan treats me with respect and is a perfect gentleman. The only problem is his appearance. He is slightly overweight and somewhat out of shape. He also has an eye problem that requires him to wear extremely thick glasses. My friends tell me that I am "too pretty" to settle for him. My mom says looks are not that important, and I would have to look far to find a man who will treat me with such respect and consideration.

Dan told me he is considering moving to California at the end of the school year so we can be closer.

I hate to be so superficial that I would miss out on a fulfilling relationship because Dan is not better looking. I certainly love who he is on the inside, but I know some people will look at us and wonder what I saw in him.

Would I be wrong to let his appearance hold me back? I would hate to have him give up everything for me and move out here. What if things didn't work out? He says that is a chance he is willing to take.

He makes me very happy and is always on my mind. I want to call him and tell him to come to California, but I am not sure it is the right thing to do. What do you think, Abby? -- ON THE FENCE

DEAR ON THE FENCE: I know your friends are well-meaning, but I question their values.

An average-looking man who is kind and caring will become more attractive with time, just as a handsome man will become less appealing if his behavior does not match his appearance.

Let Dan know that you are very much interested in him, but moving to California must be his decision alone. And when you get to know him better, if he is everything you want in a lifelong partner, you will have made a very wise decision.

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DEAR ABBY: Why do people with small children feel it is necessary to take these children with them when they go to the movies? I went to four R-rated, action-packed movies last summer, and in three of them there were parents with crying children.

I see the same thing every time I go to the movies. Don't these parents know that their children are not going to enjoy the movie? Why should they? They are sitting in a dark, strange place with many strangers they can't see, there is nothing for them to play with, and there are loud, strange noises all around them.

Here is my message to parents: If your child is under the age of 2, he or she is not going to enjoy a movie no matter what the rating is. If your child is under the age of 6, he or she should not be going to anything over a PG rating. Make the cost of the baby sitter part of the cost for an evening out. Most sitters will charge only $3 or $4 per hour for a small child.

If you can't afford a baby sitter, stay home and rent a movie. It's better for you, better for your child, and for all of us sitting in the theater. -- IRRITATED IN TEXAS

DEAR IRRITATED: I'm printing your "message," but let's be realistic: Parents who bring infants and small children to the movies often do it because they can't afford a sitter. There's no law against it. However, when a child creates a disturbance, good sense and good manners dictate that it be taken outside so it's not a distraction to others. But if it's not, the manager of the theater should be notified so he (or she) can quell the disturbance.

DEAR ABBY: My son's wedding went an infuriating step beyond the standard non-reply to an RSVP. When many self-addressed, stamped responses to the reception were not received by a reasonable length of time, I called some non-respondents from our immediate family. Since my son and his fiancee were committed to pay a considerable amount of money for each dinner at the country club -- in advance -- it was important that the number of guests be accurate.

I telephoned each invited guest and almost all assured me that they would be attending, several with children -- one family totaling five.

However, on the happy day, there were an inexcusable number of "no-shows" who hadn't even bothered to call at the last minute with an excuse. Consequently, the bridal couple had to pay for a lot of thoughtless relatives who had accepted when they should have been honest and said, "If we don't have anything better to do, we'll be there." -- FED UP WITH RELATIVES

DEAR FED UP: Believe it or not, some people do not know that "R.S.V.P." means "Please respond" in French.

WORTH QUOTING: Clarence Darrow, world-famous American lawyer in the 1900s who earned a wide reputation as a brilliant criminal defense attorney, said: "The trouble with the law is lawyers."

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Is there a kind and tactful way to tell a distant relative to stop making donations to his favorite charities in our names? He's a very nice man and we know he means well. Obviously, he has the right to donate to any organization he wants, but he should do it in his own name -- not ours.

People who perform this act of kindness may not realize the uneasy position in which they place "fake donors." We feel hypocritical for the beneficiaries thinking we did the good deed, when the money didn't come from us.

Another undesirable side effect of vicarious giving is the glut of requests and junk mail that hound us for months (or years) after the donation. We have our own preferred charities and do not wish to receive requests from organizations we do not support, however worthwhile they may be.

On one occasion when a family member died, a self-appointed philanthropist made a very generous donation to his favorite charity in memory of the deceased, and indicated it came from us. Abby, you can imagine our embarrassment and discomfort when his widow thanked us heartily for our generous gift.

Perhaps a comment in your column to people who give this kind of gift, suggesting that they first ask the donors if they would like to have their names on a donation, would help to curb this practice. Some people may not want to be identified with a particular organization. And I'm sure even fewer will want the junk mail that follows.

Thank you for any suggestions you and your readers might offer. -- NO NAME OR LOCATION, PLEASE

DEAR NO NAME: Tell your relative that you are being inundated with pleas from charities to which he has donated in your name. Stress that you would prefer that he make donations to charities which YOU support. (That should put a stop to it!) Also, advise the charities that are soliciting you that you want your name removed from their donor lists.

The reason that many people make charitable donations as "gifts" is that such donations are tax-deductible for the giver who has written the check.

DEAR ABBY: This has been bothering me for quite a while. Either I am being too sensitive, or my relatives are totally insensitive. I'll let you decide:

My husband and I recently adopted a child, and so far none of my relatives have acknowledged the child's arrival. However, a few years ago when we had our first child, gifts were brought and cards were sent. I know that the second, third and fourth children of other family members have been acknowledged, so it's not that this is our second child and nothing should be done.

It's not that I am looking for gifts, but a card would have been nice. Do they feel that just because this child is adopted or older that it isn't necessary to do anything? Maybe someday they'll realize the hurt they caused by their failure to acknowledge this child's arrival.

Meanwhile, my mother-in-law buys gifts for all of her sister's, brother's and in-law's many grandchildren. Abby, is this what should be expected when you adopt a child? -- HEARTBROKEN

DEAR HEARTBROKEN: Did you send announcements that were ignored? When the adoption was official, did you have a small family gathering to introduce your relatives to the newest member of the family? If you did and this blessed event was ignored, then your relatives are ignorant of the social graces and do not realize that the arrival of a child -- by birth or adoption -- is an occasion to be acknowledged and celebrated, and shame on them.

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