DEAR ABBY: I read your answer to "Perplexed in Riverdale," concerning the woman whose husband was a retired naval officer who required his daughter to call his fellow officers by their rank. You agreed with the naval officer, stating that "a 12-year-old (especially the daughter of a naval officer) should have no trouble remembering the ranks of her father's fellow officers."

Your answer upset me no end. I am a retired veteran of 20 years of service, and the day I retired was the day I hung up my uniform and my rank. However, it seems as though some retired officers have a hard time separating themselves from the military, especially feeling like nobodies since they are no longer in power.

The 12-year-old girl is NOT IN THE MILITARY, and therefore should not be required to remember any military rank or call any military personnel by their rank. During my tenure in the military, I often had active-duty personnel ask me which rank came after so-and-so (e.g. What is the next rank after a full colonel?). These were personnel with up to three and four years of service. What would ever make you believe that any civilian, whether 12 or 50 years old, would have the need to know the level of military ranks?

My wife, for instance, served with me for a period of 16 years as a civilian. When asked about a person's rank, her answer was, "I don't know any rank in the military other than my husband's. He's a sergeant." I sincerely don't think she even knew what level I held as a sergeant. And that was fine with me, because I was in the military, not my wife or children. So neither my wife nor my four sons were ever required by me to refer to any of my friends by their rank.

In my view, you goofed big time. I would suggest you retract your answer to "Perplexed in Silverdale" and let this 12-year-old child be a civilian -- which she is! -- JOSEPH J. MURRAY, RET.

DEAR MR. MURRAY: I received numerous reprimands for that answer, much to my surprise. I had assumed that to a child raised in a military atmosphere, addressing adults by their rank would be nearly second nature -- and not too difficult to learn. However, many military parents disagreed with my presumption. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: As the wife of a retired Air Force officer, I do not agree that children should be taught to address active-duty military persons by their rank.

One of the main reasons we did not teach our children to address their friends' parents by rank was because we didn't want the children to feel that one person deserves more respect than another just because of rank. They were taught that adults were to be respected because of their age and wisdom, not because they had attained a higher rank than another person.

By the way, even though I spent 19 years as an Air Force officer's wife, I still cannot tell a Navy officer's rank by the insignia!

Although this time I strongly disagreed with your call, I generally agree with you, and I thank you for being there for us. -- EMILY L. MAHEU, NICEVILE, FLA.

DEAR ABBY: Our son is getting married soon. The bride's parents say this is the '90s and we should split the cost as they are "our kids." What the "kids" want will cost $6,000 total.

They claim they have gotten the lowest prices for this big day. Are we responsible for paying 50 percent?

I told my husband about the financing, and he said it's customary for the bride's father to pay for the wedding. Others who have married children say they've split the cost.

I don't think splitting the cost is such a bad idea. Perhaps when our two daughters get married, we can say, "Hey, this is the '90s -- and we'll pay half."

What do you say, Abby? -- STRESSED IN WASHINGTON

DEAR STRESSED: Traditionally, the bride's family pays for the wedding and reception. However, today it is not unusual for the groom's family to offer to share the cost. In many cases, the couple will pay for their own wedding.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have never written to you before, but I have had an experience that has annoyed me greatly. My son recently got married. It was a lovely wedding at an exclusive club. There was a sumptuous meal and unlimited beverages of every kind. No expense was spared.

One of the wedding gifts was a box containing two towels and a toothbrush holder. Included with it was a card signed by 12 of my daughter-in-law's co-workers.

Abby, I know the thought is what's supposed to count and not the gift, but it cost over $500 to entertain those 12 people. Considering they all earn more money than my daughter-in-law and son, I think a gift that cost $35 (collectively) was miserly. We are all upset because we don't know if the gift was given in a mean-spirited manner or because they are "etiquette-challenged."

Should we approach them on the subject or forget it? We are split on the decision. Sign me ... CANNOT BELIEVE IT IN FLORIDA

DEAR CANNOT BELIEVE IT: Do not approach them about the cost of the gift. It would be worse manners to call them on it. Wedding gifts are not the "price of admission" to a party. People should give what they can afford.

DEAR ABBY: I am writing in response to "Came Up Clean in Los Angeles," who heard from an old pen pal who was a police dispatcher who ran her name through a police computer and sent her the printout of her driver's license personal information.

In California, where the pen pal worked, police dispatchers routinely access information from the California Law Enforcement Telecommunications System (CLETS) as part of their everyday job.

We ARE authorized users of this system. However, the use of any CLETS information for other than official business may be in violation of the California Penal Code. Additionally, the use of CLETS for other than official law enforcement purposes may result in the employing agency seeking dismissal and/or prosecution of the employee. I have no doubt that other states have similar laws.

I, too, am a police dispatcher and am proud of what I do. I was surprised that a fellow dispatcher would obtain such personal information and then send the information to that person, regardless of their relationship. We use this criteria in the workplace: the need to know and the right to know. If you have neither, you have no business running the person or vehicle.

Perhaps the agency for which the pen pal works needs to re-educate its employees on the consequences of such actions. -- LAURA ABSHER-PERRY, POLICE AND FIRE DISPATCHER

DEAR LAURA: With so much confidential information being stored in data banks, and a growing number of individuals able to access it, periodic reminders about the importance of confidentiality (and the penalties for breaching it) may curb potential abuses. Thank you for your intelligent suggestion.

CONFIDENTIAL TO "NO FRIENDS IN NEW JERSEY": There are two kinds of people in the world: those who walk into a room and say, "Here I am!" and those who walk into a room and say, "There you are!"

Which kind are you?

Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.

DEAR ABBY: When I saw the letter from "Petunia the Pig," apologizing for her wild streak, I had to write. You've been snookered again!

Wild (feral) domestic pigs in the Great Smoky Mountains National Park are responsible for a tremendous amount of damage to vegetation because of their rooting up and eating roots, plants, etc. (Check it out with the National Park Service.) I suspect that, given the opportunity, Petunia's feeding habits are little different from feral pigs. I guess it's a sad day for Petunia, because pigs do love many roots as well as vegetables.

Armadillos (on whom Petunia tried earnestly to lay the blame) do NOT normally eat vegetation. They may cause some minimal damage to vegetation because of rooting or digging in open areas, rather then under plants. I quote from "The Mammals of Texas" by William B. Davis, page 268:

"A study of their food habits by examination of more than 800 stomachs revealed that no fewer than 488 different foods are eaten. Ninety-three percent (by volume) of their food is animal matter, chiefly insects and other invertebrates."

From the above, it is apparent that armadillos are very unlikely to be the cause of the neighborhood plant damage and the pig was most likely the cause.

Petunia owes the Dasypus novemcinctus Linnaeus (nine-banded armadillo) an apology for false accusations. -- JAY EMRIE, SAN ANTONIO

DEAR JAY: You may be the first person to have squealed on a pig, but rest assured -- if Petunia weren't still incarcerated, I'm sure I'd have had another letter from the neighbors.

Since I first heard about Petunia, I have learned more about potbellied pigs than I ever wanted to know. According to an article written for the Journal of the American Veterinary Medical Association, the original pigs, brought in through Canada in 1985, matured at more than 200 pounds. Today, the majority of adults average 125 pounds. They shed at least once -- and often twice -- a year and, because of their inborn herd mentality, can become belligerent, aggressive and territorial as they mature.

Originally praised for being small, docile and virtually maintenance-free by promoters of the species, it turns out that many disappointed potbellied pig owners turn to humane societies when they find their pet charges at guests, and at about two years of age, starts challenging the people by whom it was raised to see who will be "top pig."

Rooting is also a natural instinct for pigs. Not only do they root in order to eat acorns, truffles, worms and grubs, they do it to obtain necessary vitamins and minerals from the ground. Because pigs do not sweat, they require a pool or puddle to regulate their temperature in hot weather. And in winter they must have a heated sleeping area.

These insights were generously provided to me by Dale Riffle, director of PIGS, a sanctuary, P.O. Box 629, Charles Town, W.Va. 25414, which currently provides a safe haven for more than 200 potbellied pigs. The sanctuary works with shelter employees and has a guide available to aid shelters should they have to deal with homeless pigs. For cities considering zoning to permit potbellied pigs as pets, Mr. Riffle advises they have a plan in place for dealing with homeless pigs before permitting them in their cities. That sounds like good advice to me.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)