DEAR ABBY: My husband of 35 years died recently of AIDS. He was a salesman, well-liked, and traveled a lot. Evidently he did more than travel. I was unaware he had AIDS until the lesions appeared. He refused treatment and died a short time later.

I have been tested and the results show that I am HIV-positive. We have two grown children (33 and 30) who are devastated over this. I am in counseling trying to understand how I could have missed the signs.

My primary problem now is, What do I tell his college friends who come to see me? Should I tell the truth -- that he had a secret life, that I am HIV-positive, that I am terrified? What do I say to our friends as to the cause of his death? Right now, they think it was a virulent form of pneumonia. Also, his out-of-town clients who may have been involved in his activities could be at risk.

How I would love to ask him if the experience was worth the pain he has caused. I wanted to divorce him immediately, but he became sick so fast and I could not just throw him out, although I wanted to.

My children want me to keep the AIDS a secret because of what it will do to their future here in town. But will someone at the hospital let it slip? Will the doctors make a comment?

Sometimes I feel I'm losing my mind. I have contemplated suicide.

My counselor says it will take a while to work out my anger. I doubt that will ever be done. John knew he had AIDS long before it became apparent, yet he said nothing and did nothing. How vicious and selfish!

I am in massive turmoil. My faith in my religion is gone and I literally have no one to talk to. So you get to catch the flak, Abby.

My doctor says the largest contingent of new AIDS cases in the United States is women in their 50s or older, whose husbands infect them. They seem to think that it will never happen to them. Please tell your readers that they too can become a statistic and that they should be tested just to be on the safe side. -- BASKET CASE (NO CITY PLEASE)

DEAR LADY: My heart goes out to you. Thank you for an important letter, which highlights more than one serious issue. The first is confidentiality: You may assume that those in the health-care community will not divulge your family's private medical information.

The decision to make public your husband's cause of death is a very personal one to be made by you and your family. Whatever you decide, I urge you to enter an HIV/AIDS support group. There you can safely vent your feelings with people who understand what you are experiencing because they have dealt with those feelings themselves. There are many excellent AIDS support groups, and the local AIDS organization in your community can put you in touch with one of them.

I discussed your situation with Mervyn Silverman, M.D., past president of the American Foundation for AIDS Research (AmFAR). He said that although your diagnosis is a serious one, with the new drugs that have been approved -- and others that are on the way -- there is real hope for people with HIV/AIDS, something that just a few years ago did not exist for people who tested positive for HIV. That is why it is so important for people to be tested.

He also told me that your physician may have overstated the statistics, but there IS a growing number of women and men over 50 who are being diagnosed with HIV. Therefore, people should not be lulled into a false sense of security thinking that AIDS could never happen to them. Regardless of your age, race or economic status, it makes good sense to protect yourself during sexual contacts.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am 15 years old. I have a pretty easy life except for one thing: My mom hates the way I dress.

I don't wear all the girly stuff my mom wants me to because it is too prissy for me. I wear pants made for guys and T-shirts, and I have a ton of bracelets and necklaces made of chains and metals. My hair is short and I "spike" it out. My mom cannot accept the fact that I express myself in a way that is different from what she likes.

I am a good girl, and I think a very mature teen. I am not into drugs and am not sexually active. My mom never has to tell me to do chores because I do them on my own. She has never pushed me to get good grades because I already get them.

My mom keeps asking why I wear "those ugly pants" and I tell her they are comfortable. I cut my own hair. She threatens that if I ever do that again, I will owe her money. I understand that she wants me to dress like everyone else and look "normal," but that just is not me! We get along fine except for this one issue. If I were to dress to her standards, we would not have a single fight. All the other parents I know couldn't care less what their kids wear just as long as they stay out of trouble and don't do drugs or have sex.

I really don't know what to say or do so she will back off, except I am who I am. Mom will never be able to change that. What do you say, Abby? -- WELL-DRESSED TEEN (BY MY STANDARDS)

DEAR WELL-DRESSED TEEN: Young people often experiment as they develop their own personalities -- it's a form of rebellion. Although your tastes may always differ from your mother's, I'll bet by the time you're college-bound, your dress will be less radical.

If you are achieving as much as you say, there is no need to change. Your mom should relax a bit and remember you can't judge a book by its cover -- especially when it's a work-in-progress.

DEAR ABBY: On Thanksgiving Day, 1988, a friend and I were coming home on U.S. Highway 101 from the San Francisco Bay area. We were about an hour from home (West Los Angeles) when we were in a traffic accident. A car going north hit us on the driver's side, went over our car and landed on the other side of the highway. We were turned southward by the collision.

Almost before I could get out of the car, people were there to help. I heard several people yell, "Call 911!" etc. The lifeguards from Oxnard were there right away. Ambulances came immediately. Several passers-by stopped, got me out of the car and over to the side of the road. They stayed with me until my friend was freed from the car and we were both put into the ambulance. Firemen had to use the "jaws of life" to get my friend out.

Among those who stopped to help were a doctor and a nurse. I had minor injuries, but my friend was badly hurt, and these people probably saved her life.

I never got a chance to thank everyone who stopped. So, from my friend and me: Thank you to all of the people who stop to help others along the road of life, without worrying about the possible consequences to themselves. You are lifesavers.-- ESPECIALLY GRATEFUL IN LOS ANGELES

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am writing in response to Mary Lou Childs' letter about how parents today are so much more lenient with their kids, and "more concerned with being their children's pals" than with disciplining them.

First, I would like to know whose house she has been visiting. I am a 15-year-old girl, and both my younger sister and I are severely punished for anything our parents find inappropriate. Trust me, it's happened. And I can tell you, Abby, that neither of us whines or carries on when we get punished because if we don't realize our own mistake in the first place, we know that arguing won't change their minds.

Granted, my mother and father set pretty fair rules and usually leave them open for discussion. But this does not mean that we don't have rules at all. If my parents do consult with me on such issues as extending a curfew, it's only because they believe I am old enough to start forming my own opinions and looking out for my own good.

I also found Childs' comment about "when I was a kid" extremely stereotypical of adults. It's time to quit reminiscing about those days. The past is simply that -- over and done with. Maybe parents were more strict "back then," but I feel that growing up is a much more difficult task in the '90s than it was years ago. And please remember that teens today have different circumstances and rules to live by. -- LAURA N. KELLY, JOLIET, ILL.

DEAR LAURA: Thank you for an intelligent letter. Obviously you come from a home where expectations for your ability are high -- but limits are set and enforced. My response to Mary Lou Childs was that many parents seem reluctant to enforce their own rules for fear of traumatizing their little ones, and an excellent way to ensure obedience is to state one's wishes in a tone that lets the child know this is not something open for discussion. Also, Ms. Childs was writing about small children, not young adults.

DEAR ABBY: This is in response to Mary Lou Childs of Eugene, Ore. In her letter she complained about how parents today, after telling their children to do something, will follow with, "OK?"

I don't know how everyone in the world does this, but when my parents say, "OK?" they are not asking if that's all right with me or opening it up for discussion. They are making sure I have heard them. (They say I have a case of "selective hearing," as all teens my age do.)

An example that I hear regularly is, "Go to bed at 10:00, OK?" And then I reply with a simple, "Yes," or else I'll go to bed right then no matter what time it is.

Abby, I am just writing to defend my parents and others like them who do not deserve to be insulted by her harsh comment. Please do not print my name. Sign me ... OFFENDED IN ARIZONA

DEAR OFFENDED: Ms. Childs' complaint was less about language and more about the issue of enforcing parental authority. You do not need to defend your parents. They appear to be doing a fine job.

DEAR ABBY: I just finished reading the letter from Mary Lou Childs -- and you are right! Totally right! One hundred percent right!

I hear it every day: "Don't do that -- OK?"

Part B cancels Part A!

Forty years as a psychiatrist and 35 years as a parent lead me to say, "Dear Abby, thank you once again." -- THOMAS P. LOWRY, M.D., WOODACRE, CALIF.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)