DEAR ABBY: My problem is my mother and my ex-husband. When "Steve" and I divorced two years ago, there were a lot of hard feelings. My mother is aware of this because I was living with her at the time.

Abby, my mother constantly takes Steve's side over mine. She repeatedly "reminds" me how lucky I am that Steve pays child support and has regular visits with our daughter. I agree that I am luckier than most divorced mothers. But when I discuss any problem I might be having with Steve, Mom takes his side and says, "He pulls his own weight."

What I would like Steve to do is to take more responsibility for our daughter. She stays with him two days a week, but you can bet that on one of those days he will have something else to do -- like work, a date or a ballgame. Then he asks Mom to baby-sit our daughter and Mom readily agrees. When I ask her to baby-sit for me, she immediately wants to know why. When Steve drops our daughter off at Mom's house, family members tell me that he usually spends up to an hour visiting with her. I think this is strange behavior.

What is this "thing" between my ex-husband and my mom? She didn't think he was so great when we were married. Why the sudden change? Is this my ex's way of staying involved in my life? When I ask Mom about this she gets defensive, or ignores me, or hangs up on me. -- CONFUSED DAUGHTER, METAIRIE, LA.

DEAR CONFUSED: Your mother is walking a tightrope between remaining cordial with your "ex," being loyal to you and being a good grandmother. She may go a little overboard defending Steve, but she may also be playing the "devil's advocate," pointing out his good features so that you will eventually have a civil relationship.

Although Steve is no longer your husband, that doesn't mean he can't be a friend of your mother's. Because you share custody of your child, Steve will always be in your life to some degree. Try to accept it and go on with your life.

DEAR ABBY: I am a male in my mid-30s and have been divorced for nearly two years. For the past year, I have been casually dating. During this period, a friend of mine passed away suddenly. His widow is everything I would ever want in a wife. Our families have participated in many activities together -- baseball games, zoo, picnics, movies, etc. Our children get along great. I never intended to fall in love, but I have.

I know I am ready to move on with my life. But I don't know when my friend will be -- if ever. How will I know when the time is right? She is truly a diamond, and I don't want to lose her -- or our friendship. Please help me. -- IN LOVE

DEAR IN LOVE: I wish all the questions I am asked were as easy to answer. Invite her to dinner without the children and tell her how you feel.

DEAR ABBY: I was pleased that you printed the letter about the infant who nearly strangled in her parents' bed. Her mother had taken her into the bed after an exhausting night of crying, and the baby's head slipped into a space between the mattress and the headboard, where she became stuck. That was an important cautionary tale, but I want to correct the impression that this sort of thing is a "freak accident."

In a recent one-year period, the U.S. Consumer Products Safety Commission received reports of almost 100 infants and young children who suffocated on adult beds. Abby, please tell your readers that parents should never put a young child, especially an infant, in their bed to sleep. It is a sweet gesture, but it could have tragic consequences.

Thank you so much for all the good work you do, and for helping keep children safe in their homes. -- ANN BROWN, CHAIRMAN, U.S. CONSUMER PRODUCT SAFETY COMMISSION, WASHINGTON, D.C.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I just finished reading the letter from "Responsible Adult in New Jersey," who was sick of the argument that dispensing condoms in school encourages sex. You said you anticipated sharp criticism from some readers for printing that letter. I'd like to relate a story that made the news here in Tucson.

A 15-year-old girl was raised by strict parents who had not explained the facts of life to their daughter. They thought since she wasn't allowed to date, she didn't need to know about sex.

Despite her parents' no-dating rule, she had a boyfriend -- and she became pregnant. Too terrified to tell her parents, she kept her pregnancy a secret. She went into labor and gave birth in the toilet at a friend's house, then strangled her baby and put it into a Dumpster. She's now facing charges of first-degree murder.

When the parents were asked why they had never talked about sex to their daughter, the father replied, "I guess we were waiting for her 16th birthday."

This girl's life is ruined. Her parents' lives are ruined. And before anyone assumes that this girl is from a broken home or living in the ghetto, let me assure you that she comes from a typical, middle-class, two-parent family. She was an honor student, a star basketball player and very popular.

Parents cannot assume that because they tell their children not to do something, they won't. In the case of sex, the price the children pay is too great to take the chance. Most teen-agers think they are immortal. They cannot fathom that anything bad will happen to them. Their denial is so strong that many of them give little thought to the consequences of their actions.

My question to parents: Are you willing to bet your child's life that he or she will always follow your rules?

Abby, if this letter changes the mind of just one parent who believes that the unavailability of condoms will prevent their teen-agers from becoming sexually active, it will be worth space in your column. You may use my name. -- CAROL MONTGOMERY, TUCSON, ARIZ.

DEAR CAROL: The argument you make is intelligent and realistic. The sex drive in teen-agers can be very strong and sometimes overpowering. Farsighted parents give their children a framework within which to make their choices, and provide them with reliable information to protect them in precarious situations.

DEAR ABBY: From some letters I read in your column in years past, I know that a number of your readers do not appreciate Christmas newsletters, but I hope you will print this letter from someone who does:

It's time for people to start composing their annual holiday newsletters. Please, everyone, don't let those who don't like them stop you from writing them. It will spoil one of the things about the holidays that I most look forward to. It might be the only time all year that I get to hear from you.

I want to hear all about you and your family. I really enjoy reading all the great happenings. Of course, a holiday card is better than nothing, but it's so much nicer when you include a newsletter and even a photo.

My husband and children also enjoy reading those newsletters, and so do my parents.

So go ahead and write your annual newsletters and even brag a bit if you want to. Tell us about your trials and tribulations as well.

Those who don't appreciate newsletters can just throw them away. But please don't let a few sourpusses spoil it for the rest of us. The Scrooges have already taken enough fun out of our holidays. -- A CHRISTMAS NEWSLETTER LOVER

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My daughter recently became engaged to a well-educated young man with a background similar to hers. I don't know her fiance well, but they recently spent a week at my home and his behavior made me very uncomfortable.

He acted as if this was now his home. He helped himself to food in the refrigerator and cabinets, made long-distance telephone calls, helped himself to car washing and waxing supplies, and was constantly telling me a better way to do everything, from preparing dinner to waxing the car.

Following a huge dinner, he got up with no thanks for this expensive feast and raided the refrigerator! In the evenings after watching his TV selections, he would disappear into his bedroom without so much as a "good night" to anyone.

I feel good manners dictate that in someone else's home, family or not, one should ask permission to use things and to eat between meals. One should thank the host for meals and hospitality, and make no negative remarks about the way things are done.

Abby, am I being overly sensitive? Should I ask my daughter if she noticed her fiance's behavior? I am concerned for my daughter's happiness because she will always have to do things his way and agree with him to keep him happy.

I fear a heart-to-heart talk with my daughter may estrange her from me, and that would be worse than tolerating her fiance's crude behavior. Should I keep quiet or speak up? -- CONCERNED PARENT

DEAR CONCERNED PARENT: The young man's behavior shows an obvious lack of manners. Love may be blind, but your daughter needs to open her eyes to reality. Her fiance's insensitivity and poor manners will be substantial handicaps if he hopes to get ahead in the business world.

I suggest you discuss your feelings with your daughter, but don't be confrontational. However, if she decides to marry him, warts and all, offer no more "helpful criticisms."

DEAR ABBY: Perhaps you have room for one more letter on sibling rivalry:

When Cindi, my second daughter, was born, Camille, my first, was about 18 months old. Whenever I cradled Cindi in my arms and Camille was nearby, I would make a point of saying to the baby, "Oh, Cindi, I hope you grow up to be as wonderful as Camille. Camille is so sweet and such a special daughter. You're so lucky to have her as your sister. And we are so blessed to have her as our daughter."

Cindi felt my love as I held her, and Camille understood the words and my loving gesture as I took her little hand in mine or patted her head lovingly. I did the same thing when Sabrina was born -- but now I had two older daughters to include in the loving circle.

My daughters are all adults now -- fulfilled in their careers, and still completely loving and supportive of each other. And, I must say, I am a very proud father! -- ORLANDO K. CELLUCCI, RENO, NEV.

DEAR ORLANDO: You are to be congratulated. Not only did you ensure that each of your daughters maintained a high level of self-esteem when the next child arrived, you also managed at the same time to quell any feelings of sibling rivalry. Other parents could learn from you.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)