DEAR ABBY: The topic of working couples sharing household duties has been addressed in your column, but I've never seen a letter about retired spouses sharing household duties.

I retired two years before my husband, "Jack," did and became a full-time housewife. Now that Jack is also retired, I'm still expected to cook, clean, shop for groceries and do the chores, while he sleeps late, reads the newspaper and watches TV.

If I leave a basket of clean laundry in the utility room, Jack will retrieve clean socks or underwear one item at a time rather than pick up the basket and carry it upstairs.

My husband has always worked hard and deserves a happy retirement, but I also worked outside the home and I, too, would like to take it a little easier. Any suggestions? -- FRUSTRATED IN MISSOURI

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Jack needs training for retirement, just as he was trained for his job. Retirement experts say that if you're both retired, the division of duties should be about equal. Take a pad and pencil, make an appointment with Jack and agree on a division of duties. If you do the cooking, he should do the cleanup. The bigger jobs should also be shared. Be fair and flexible so that your retirement years may be spent on activities that are fun for both of you.

DEAR ABBY: Some time ago I met a wonderful man. We shared many happy moments together, and I fell in love with him. I have always been there for him when he was sick or needed company, and he has done countless favors for me.

When we met, I lied to him and said I was living with my mom; actually I am living with my ex-boyfriend and his cousin. My ex-boyfriend and I are no longer romantically involved. I needed a place to live, so we became roommates.

My lover recently discovered the truth, and he is furious that I lied. He says I betrayed him. I didn't betray him. I didn't tell him because I was afraid I'd lose him.

Now he refuses to take my calls and doesn't answer my pages. He says he wants more "space." I love him more than life itself. How can I make things the way they were? I don't want to lose him. -- ON THE RUN IN SOUTH DAKOTA

DEAR ON THE RUN: You would have been wiser had you told the truth from the beginning. Write him a letter explaining that you lied because you love him and feared losing him. Give your lover the space he needs. Meanwhile, find another roommate.

DEAR READERS: Maj. Eric Junger of the Department of Defense Military Postal Service has asked me to remind my readers that it is not too early to consider mailing your Christmas cards and packages out of the country. Overseas military mail is especially vulnerable to delays during the holiday rush.

To ensure delivery before Christmas, Space Available and Priority Airlift military mail should be sent by Nov. 22. Military cards, letters and priority parcels should be sent by Dec. 2.

International cards, letters and parcel post should also be mailed by Dec. 2. Mail for Canada should go out no later than Dec. 13.

Keep watching the column for this year's Operation Dear Abby addresses. I plan to publish them in early November.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Several years ago, my husband and I chose our daughter's friend to be our personal physician. Now a problem has arisen.

Whenever we visit our doctor, within a few days we receive a call from our daughter inquiring about our "condition." My husband and I are very private people. If we wanted our children to know the details of our health, we would tell them.

Should either of us learn that we have a fatal illness, we would want it kept between ourselves and our doctor. When the time comes to share the information with family and friends, we prefer it to be at our discretion.

Now we are concerned about the confidentiality that should exist between patient and doctor. He is such a personable young man that we hate to hurt his feelings. What do you think? -- APPREHENSIVE IN AURORA, COLO.

DEAR APPREHENSIVE: If you value your privacy, find another doctor. And do this personable young man a favor by dropping him a note to explain why. The truth may sting, but he needs to know.

DEAR ABBY: Parents these days have an aggravating habit of telling their children what to do and then saying, "OK?" It goes like this: "Johnny, it's time to go to bed. OK?"

I don't remember getting a choice when I was a kid. When our parents told us to do something, we knew they weren't asking for our approval. By asking "OK?" they open up the subject for discussion when there should be none.

Today's parents seem more concerned with being their children's pals and not upsetting their kids than in saying what's what and then following through.

When I hear parents count to three while their kids decide whether or not they're going to do what they've been asked, I roll my eyes because usually the parents don't follow through and make their kids behave anyway. They just threaten them.

I'm sure glad I had parents who knew how to say the way it was going to be and then stuck to it. It sure made my life a lot easier. -- MARY LOU CHILDS, EUGENE, ORE.

DEAR MARY LOU: Many parents seem reluctant to enforce their own rules for fear of traumatizing their little ones. An excellent way to ensure obedience is to state your wishes in a tone that lets the child know this is not something open for discussion. Effective parents are not only loving, but also firm enough to provide limits.

DEAR ABBY: After reading the letter signed "Perplexed in Garland, Texas" about the noisy next-door neighbors, I was reminded of our situation as newlyweds back in Buffalo, N.Y., almost 60 years ago.

We would be awakened early each morning by the newlyweds directly above us. Their bed shook so hard, we feared that the ceiling would one day come down on us.

We placed a note in their mailbox, suggesting they subdue their enthusiasm. They responded with a note suggesting that WE move to Forest Lawn Cemetery, where we would find everlasting peace and quiet. -- LIVING PEACEFULLY IN SAN DIEGO

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Because you have devoted so many columns to domestic violence, I thought you might like to know about the Address Confidential Program in Washington state.

Established by the Legislature in 1991, this innovative victims' assistance program is administered by the office of the secretary of state. The goal is to assist domestic violence victims who have permanently relocated to avoid further victimization by keeping their actual locations confidential.

Clients are referred to the program by police departments, community-based victims' assistance programs, and the Washington State Coalition Against Domestic Violence. Most of these victims are fleeing for their lives; if found, they may be killed. The program helps victims re-establish their lives by providing a substitute address that is accepted by state and local agencies. Participants use the substitute addresses for driver's licenses, marriage licenses and voter registration forms. There is a mail-forwarding service that enables them to keep their actual addresses confidential.

The Address Confidentiality Program is now in its fifth year of operation. Help is offered to men, women and children -- but women involved in the program far outnumber men. Of the 1,061 participants enrolled, 469 are women, 9 are men and the remainder are children. Of the nine men enrolled in the program, eight reside with women who are victims of domestic violence. -- RALPH MUNRO, SECRETARY OF STATE, STATE OF WASHINGTON

DEAR MR. MUNRO: Thank you not only for sharing the news that such a compassionate program is available to the citizens of Washington state, but also for providing some figures on the ratio of women to men who are victims of domestic violence. Other states could learn from your farsighted legislators.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Van," and I run a business with responsibilities that take him out of his office and leave me working in our home office. My problem: A few times each year, Van calls me from his car to tell me about some poor hitchhiker he has just picked up. Today it was a 19-year-old temporary laborer wearing a hard hat, on his way home to a nearby city.

Although I realize Van is proud of his ability to help someone, it never fails to terrify me. Unfortunately, my husband thinks my reaction indicates a distrust in his ability to judge a person's character. He insists that he can spot a phony a mile away and he won't budge on this issue.

Abby, my husband has a cellular phone in his car in case he has an emergency or needs to report an accident. But I maintain that Van has a greater responsibility to preserve his safety for his family's sake -- and he shouldn't pick up strangers. We read your column daily. Please help me convince my Good Samaritan he is playing Russian roulette. -- WORRIED

DEAR WORRIED: Your husband may be well-intentioned, but he shouldn't bet his life and the welfare of his family on his ability to judge the intentions of a hitchhiker at 65 miles an hour. Granted, many may be on the up-and-up, but that one in a thousand could be a killer.

Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)