DEAR ABBY: Several years ago, my husband and I chose our daughter's friend to be our personal physician. Now a problem has arisen.

Whenever we visit our doctor, within a few days we receive a call from our daughter inquiring about our "condition." My husband and I are very private people. If we wanted our children to know the details of our health, we would tell them.

Should either of us learn that we have a fatal illness, we would want it kept between ourselves and our doctor. When the time comes to share the information with family and friends, we prefer it to be at our discretion.

Now we are concerned about the confidentiality that should exist between patient and doctor. He is such a personable young man that we hate to hurt his feelings. What do you think? -- APPREHENSIVE IN AURORA, COLO.

DEAR APPREHENSIVE: If you value your privacy, find another doctor. And do this personable young man a favor by dropping him a note to explain why. The truth may sting, but he needs to know.

DEAR ABBY: Parents these days have an aggravating habit of telling their children what to do and then saying, "OK?" It goes like this: "Johnny, it's time to go to bed. OK?"

I don't remember getting a choice when I was a kid. When our parents told us to do something, we knew they weren't asking for our approval. By asking "OK?" they open up the subject for discussion when there should be none.

Today's parents seem more concerned with being their children's pals and not upsetting their kids than in saying what's what and then following through.

When I hear parents count to three while their kids decide whether or not they're going to do what they've been asked, I roll my eyes because usually the parents don't follow through and make their kids behave anyway. They just threaten them.

I'm sure glad I had parents who knew how to say the way it was going to be and then stuck to it. It sure made my life a lot easier. -- MARY LOU CHILDS, EUGENE, ORE.

DEAR MARY LOU: Many parents seem reluctant to enforce their own rules for fear of traumatizing their little ones. An excellent way to ensure obedience is to state your wishes in a tone that lets the child know this is not something open for discussion. Effective parents are not only loving, but also firm enough to provide limits.

DEAR ABBY: After reading the letter signed "Perplexed in Garland, Texas" about the noisy next-door neighbors, I was reminded of our situation as newlyweds back in Buffalo, N.Y., almost 60 years ago.

We would be awakened early each morning by the newlyweds directly above us. Their bed shook so hard, we feared that the ceiling would one day come down on us.

We placed a note in their mailbox, suggesting they subdue their enthusiasm. They responded with a note suggesting that WE move to Forest Lawn Cemetery, where we would find everlasting peace and quiet. -- LIVING PEACEFULLY IN SAN DIEGO

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Because you have devoted so many columns to domestic violence, I thought you might like to know about the Address Confidential Program in Washington state.

Established by the Legislature in 1991, this innovative victims' assistance program is administered by the office of the secretary of state. The goal is to assist domestic violence victims who have permanently relocated to avoid further victimization by keeping their actual locations confidential.

Clients are referred to the program by police departments, community-based victims' assistance programs, and the Washington State Coalition Against Domestic Violence. Most of these victims are fleeing for their lives; if found, they may be killed. The program helps victims re-establish their lives by providing a substitute address that is accepted by state and local agencies. Participants use the substitute addresses for driver's licenses, marriage licenses and voter registration forms. There is a mail-forwarding service that enables them to keep their actual addresses confidential.

The Address Confidentiality Program is now in its fifth year of operation. Help is offered to men, women and children -- but women involved in the program far outnumber men. Of the 1,061 participants enrolled, 469 are women, 9 are men and the remainder are children. Of the nine men enrolled in the program, eight reside with women who are victims of domestic violence. -- RALPH MUNRO, SECRETARY OF STATE, STATE OF WASHINGTON

DEAR MR. MUNRO: Thank you not only for sharing the news that such a compassionate program is available to the citizens of Washington state, but also for providing some figures on the ratio of women to men who are victims of domestic violence. Other states could learn from your farsighted legislators.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Van," and I run a business with responsibilities that take him out of his office and leave me working in our home office. My problem: A few times each year, Van calls me from his car to tell me about some poor hitchhiker he has just picked up. Today it was a 19-year-old temporary laborer wearing a hard hat, on his way home to a nearby city.

Although I realize Van is proud of his ability to help someone, it never fails to terrify me. Unfortunately, my husband thinks my reaction indicates a distrust in his ability to judge a person's character. He insists that he can spot a phony a mile away and he won't budge on this issue.

Abby, my husband has a cellular phone in his car in case he has an emergency or needs to report an accident. But I maintain that Van has a greater responsibility to preserve his safety for his family's sake -- and he shouldn't pick up strangers. We read your column daily. Please help me convince my Good Samaritan he is playing Russian roulette. -- WORRIED

DEAR WORRIED: Your husband may be well-intentioned, but he shouldn't bet his life and the welfare of his family on his ability to judge the intentions of a hitchhiker at 65 miles an hour. Granted, many may be on the up-and-up, but that one in a thousand could be a killer.

Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Will you please answer this question: What happens to someone who does not file an income tax return?

I say the consequences are serious, but my friend Katie doesn't think so. A dinner rests on your answer. -- DOROTHY MACKENZIE, MONTEREY, CALIF.

DEAR DOROTHY: Katie owes you a dinner. I called Mary E. McGuire, EA, president of the National Association of Enrolled Agents (tax experts), who explained:

"When the IRS determines that someone has failed to file a tax return, that person is sent a reminder to file one. If the request is ignored, the IRS will take the information they have and prepare a Substitute for Return (SFR).

"The taxpayer is then billed for the amount shown on the SFR, plus interest and penalties dating from the time the return should have been filed. These penalties and interest accumulate until the tax debt is paid.

"If the bill is ignored, the delinquent taxpayer's salary will be garnisheed and a lien will be placed on his or her property.

"If it's proven that the individual is unable to pay the tax, the IRS may mark the case 'uncollectible.' However, should the IRS learn that the taxpayer has become able to pay the delinquent taxes, they'll be back on your doorstep again.

"Although a few people have been sent to jail for failure to pay, the IRS usually tries to work with taxpayers to resolve the problem."

My advice to people who may be tempted to ignore their tax returns: Resist the temptation and pay the tax when it is due. If you can't pay it all in one lump sum, in most cases the IRS will set up a schedule of payments to help you.

DEAR ABBY: Hey! This is a little sister in Virginia Beach. I am 13 years old and I totally agree with the teen driving contract you printed.

I know how my sister drives when our mom is not in the car, so I'm glad Mom read the contract and made my sister sign it.

I just wanted to say thanks. -- LITTLE SISTER

DEAR LITTLE SISTER: How nice of you to let me know. It is gratifying that people of all ages appreciate the importance of the teen driving contract.

DEAR ABBY: In a recent column, a reader objected to the perfumed ads in magazines. I sympathize with her, especially in view of her allergies. Abby, I am sure she is a nice lady with high ethical standards. However, she was out of line to assume that anything that was perfumed came from (or belonged to) a "house of ill repute."

This reminds me of the two gentlemen in adjacent chairs in a barbershop. As the barber started to sprinkle something on the hair of one of the men, he stopped the barber, saying, "Don't put any of that stuff on me -- my wife will think I've been in a parlor of horizontal entertainment!"

The man in the chair next to him said to the barber, "Well, you can sprinkle some on me. My wife has never been in one of those places." -- ARTHUR H. LASSERS, LARGO, FLA.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)