DEAR ABBY: Eleven years ago, you ran a piece in your column about the difference between love and infatuation. I was a senior in high school then, going through a mix of emotions for my boyfriend. I married him three years later; however, we are now divorcing.

I want to re-examine my feelings for "Mike" to determine whether my feelings for him were infatuation or love, but I have misplaced your column. Would you print it again? I don't want to make the same mistake again should I meet someone else. -- A. IN TACOMA

DEAR A.: I have printed that piece several times (and it is in my booklet for teens), but because it is important to know the difference, I'm happy to share it again:

IS IT LOVE OR ISN'T IT?

It takes a level head to control a foolish heart.

Can you love someone at first sight? This crazy mixed-up version is better known as infatuation at first sight. Infatuation can possibly be the first step toward love, but in itself, it is not love.

Love itself is built on inner realities. Through experience and a few more infatuations, one acquires a second and better sight. So mature love should be called "love at second sight."

Mature love means liking a person as well as loving. If the most important part of your relationship is physical (making out) and you don't seem to have much to talk about, face it, it's just a physical attraction, and you're really not a very good combination if you're thinking about a lifetime relationship.

How do you know if you're in love? To ask if it IS love indicates doubt. Love is sure.

Don't confuse enduring and lasting love with puppy love. (That's the kind that usually gets you into an emotional doghouse.)

Love is giving, not taking. It wants the best for the one you love.

Love is on the go. It makes you want to charge out into the world and do as well as think big. It doesn't keep you inert, day-dreaming and cooped up with only one person.

Love wants to share. To the one you love, you give your thoughts and your dreams. A new happiness comes with sharing them. Mature love is honest and open.

Love doesn't know what time it is. During your teens, you will have had a litter of puppy loves. But as time goes by, and you learn more about the object of your affections ... and your love seems to grow not weaker but stronger ... maybe the real moment has come.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been friends with another couple for the past five years. During social occasions with these people, they will speak to each other in Spanish. My husband and I do not speak Spanish, and they know this. By the way, they both speak fluent English as their first language.

I am now to the point where I would prefer not to be around them.

What do you think? Should we say anything to them about this? And if so, what? -- ANNOYED IN NEW MEXICO

DEAR ANNOYED: If you value their friendship, by all means tell them how you feel when they speak Spanish to each other in your presence.

If they continue speaking Spanish in your presence, you will know that they do not value your friendship.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I recently read the letter you received from "Joe -- Not My Real Name," the 23-year-old who doesn't want the responsibility of fatherhood after a "few fun flings" with an older woman who got pregnant.

I found myself in the same situation: Someone else made a decision that would affect me for many years. I, however, made the decision to get involved. I could have just stayed away and grudgingly written child support checks. Instead, I decided to develop a relationship with my child.

The last four years have not been easy, but the difficulties have been worth it. I have my daughter about half the time. She is the most precious thing that has ever come into my life. As far as the child support goes, it's expensive, but the relationship means everything to me, and the rest just doesn't matter now.

I'd like to tell "Joe": You got into the game. You chose to play, and these are the cards you've been dealt. If you fold, you lose. If you play fair, you can win big.

Remember, your baby had no choice in this situation. It is not the baby's fault, so don't punish your child for your decision to have unprotected sex and the decision of the woman to keep the baby. You are a dad now, so do your best to be a good one. The rewards are far greater than the sacrifices. -- A HAPPY DAD IN OREGON

DEAR HAPPY DAD: Your letter was a dandy day-brightener. I hope "Joe" sees it and realizes that his story could also have a happy ending if he looks at his situation from a different perspective and decides to be the father his child deserves.

DEAR ABBY: Applause! Thank you for pointing out to "Knows What I'm Doing" that she is, at 21, too old to be seriously involved with a 16-year-old boy. It is the responsibility of adults to control their own behavior so that they don't put children and adolescents in harmful situations.

Too often people dismiss adult women courting teen-aged boys as something to wink at and joke about, when in fact, in some states it would be considered sexual abuse. Regardless of the laws of the state in which they live, "Ben" is still growing, developing and learning the ins and outs of being an adult. The attention of this 21-year-old woman can distort or interrupt his normal path to adulthood.

If the relationship is based on mutual interests and friendships, then she should be adult enough to allow the young man to reach full maturity before putting him in a sexual situation -- such as being alone with her without supervision.

I would ask "Knows What I'm Doing" to think about herself at the age of 16 and reflect on how much she has grown since then. She should also think about the fact that 16-year-old boys (and some girls that age) still need the protection and guidance parents provide. It was immature and irresponsible for the young woman to put "Ben" in the position of challenging or breaking his parents' rules. -- MARGARET CRITES, EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, RAPE CRISIS CENTER OF ROBESON COUNTY, LUMBERTON, N.C.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are in a heated debate. He believes a candidate always votes for himself (or herself), and would be foolish not to.

I believe that candidates do not vote for themselves out of humility and old-fashioned manners.

Of course, since voting is private, there is no way we could ever find out. We are curious to know how you feel about this issue. -- KERRY REARDON, RIDGEWOOD, N.J.

DEAR KERRY: I cannot imagine anyone who is running for public office voting for the opposition. I would be interested in hearing from those who have run for public office how they cast their ballots.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am constantly amazed at what irks people. Why are we so intolerant? This time, I am referring to "William's Widow in Mesa, Ariz.," who was upset that others were not using her "legal signature" since her husband's death. Why would her legal name be "William"?

When I married, I took my husband's last name, not his first. I have a first name my parents gave me and I am proud to have added my husband's surname to my own. That combination is my "legal name."

I believe that most women of the baby boom generation prefer to be known by their own names. -- MY OWN PERSON

DEAR PERSON: I received many letters from younger women who disagreed with my answer that "only divorced women are addressed as 'Mrs.' followed by their first names. A widow keeps her husband's name until she remarries." Read on:

DEAR ABBY: May I respond to the letter from "William's Widow in Mesa, Ariz."? She wanted to be known as "Mrs. William Jones," not "Mrs. Mae Jones." I was surprised that you agreed with her.

I have been married to a wonderful man for 2 1/2 years, and I was happy to change my maiden name to his. However, my first name is not "Robert," and I do not want to be called "Mrs. Robert Anybody"!

Isn't it enough for women to give up their last names? Must we surrender our first names as well? If so, then I'll have to be branded a breacher of etiquette because I insist on being known, socially and professionally, as "Susan," not "Robert." -- SUSAN IN CHESAPEAKE, VA.

DEAR SUSAN: Traditionally, a widow retains her husband's name, and that custom is supported by the etiquette books. However, in view of the protests I received (which appear to be generational), I hereby revise my answer: A widow should be addressed by the name she prefers. In this matter, her wishes should prevail.

DEAR ABBY: I have a friend who is incredibly self-conscious about her appearance. She is only 30 years old, petite, beautiful (both inside and out), but Abby, she wears so much makeup she looks like a hooker.

Friends have hinted that she doesn't need so much makeup. I have also tried to suggest tactfully that she would look much better if she toned down the cosmetics, but she insists she "needs" it to hide her wrinkles. Abby, she should not worry about the wrinkles -- it's her makeup that ages her by at least 10 years.

Because she is my friend, the comments people make about her bother me. Telling her again is useless, but maybe if she reads this letter in your column she will recognize herself and take the hint. -- A TRUE FRIEND

DEAR TRUE FRIEND: Don't bet on it.

One of the most thankless of all well-meaning gestures is offering a friend unsolicited advice. Instead of criticizing her appearance, ask her to join you in a visit to a department store's cosmetic counter for a makeover to learn the latest makeup "tricks."

If she declines, accept her for the inner qualities that make her special.

For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)