DEAR ABBY: My husband and I adopted three children when they were infants. They are in their teens now and have always known they were adopted.

We have told them that if they wanted to know more about their birth mother, we would tell them. All three have said they had no interest in knowing.

Two years ago, out of the blue, I received a letter stating, "I am your daughter's 'real' mother and I would like to see her."

Abby, this letter was addressed to us at our home. (We had been assured by the attorney who handled the adoption that the biological parents would never have this information.)

I feel angry and betrayed.

We have not shared this letter with our daughter but on the day we received it, we asked her again if she wanted to know more about her background. She laughed and said, "Why would I need it?"

Should I take her at her word? I have the feeling this may come up again. What would you do? -- FEELING GUILTY

DEAR FEELING GUILTY: I would be honest and tell my daughter that I had received a letter from her birth mother expressing a desire to meet her. If the girl still has no interest in meeting the woman, I would ask her to write a short letter to that effect. Forward it to the birth mother and request that she not try to contact your daughter again while she's still a minor.

DEAR ABBY: We recently attended the wedding of a grandson of a very dear friend, and sent the couple a lovely gift of china and silver. Imagine our surprise when we received the following thank-you note, which I'm enclosing (I've changed the names):

"Dear Mr. and Mrs. Jones,

"Thanks so much for the beautiful 5PPS and for 5PCP1S. That was very kind of you. Love, Sue and George"

My husband thinks we ought to write Sue and George and ask them what "5PPS" and "5PCP1S" mean, so we can be sure they received the lovely place settings we sent them.

We'd have to ask our friends for the couple's address, and I'd hate to have to tell them about the note. Is this format acceptable nowadays or are we completely out of step? -- DUMBFOUNDED IN NORTH TEXAS

DEAR DUMBFOUNDED: I, too, was dumbfounded, so I called the department store from which you purchased the gift. "5PPS" and "5PCP1S" are the manufacturer's stock codes for the silver and china place settings you sent. I'm sure your gift was received, but whether the carton had been opened and the contents examined at the time the thank-you note was written is debatable.

Don't embarrass the grandparents by calling the note to their attention. But let's hope the couple gain some experience in properly expressing their appreciation before it's time to send them a baby gift.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am writing in response to "No More Noxious Ads," who was allergic to perfume samples in women's magazines. I, too, am offended by these pullouts; however, what offends me more is the seemingly unenlightened content in these same publications, and others, at the checkout stands across the country.

Some of the explicit articles now printed in women's magazines remind me of the trash published 20 years ago in Playboy. This kind of garbage disguised as "helpful hints" used to be considered X-rated -- certainly not acceptable in decent company.

Why do these publishers continue to print explicit and shocking attempts to destroy the moral fiber of our nation? As human beings, we should have loftier goals than learning new ways to titillate our already fragile social condition, all to the exclusion of making meaningful leaps forward.

I am not a conservative, religious-right anti-feminist, but I am tired of all the focus on sex these days. Are your other readers similarly irked? Maybe publishers would listen if your mail indicated significant numbers of displeased women looking for a forum. -- D.S. IN KENT, WASH.

DEAR D.S. IN KENT: Publishers of women's magazines that some people find offensive will not listen to me or my readers. They are operating under the assumption that sex sells. They do, however, pay attention to numbers, and only when their circulation shows an impressive decline will they clean up their act.

DEAR ABBY: I am writing to "Oldest Sibling, Too," who was concerned about her first child's reaction to the attention his new sister was receiving.

I am the mother of two children who are 18 months apart in age. When we were expecting baby No. 2, I made a point of reminding family members and close friends that our son was too young to understand a lot of extra attention being given to a new baby. After all, "Nicole" was not used to the attention that is heaped on small children, but "Andrew" was. This helped remind them to be more considerate of his feelings while admiring the new addition.

While on shopping trips and outings, people often stopped to comment on the new baby. Many times Andrew was asked questions about his sister. However, when he was overlooked, I made the effort for him to be included by encouraging him to reply to simple questions. For instance, if they asked the name of the baby, I would in turn ask Andrew if he could tell the nice people his sister's name. I believe this helped keep him from taking a back seat to the new baby, as well as helping develop his vocabulary.

Andrew is now 5 and Nicole is 3 1/2. They are extremely close and have no problems with sibling rivalry. Andrew is very protective, and he now tries to include Nicole if someone leaves her out of a conversation. -- PROUD MOTHER, LOS ANGELES

DEAR PROUD MOTHER: You have every right to be proud. Nipping the inevitable sibling rivalry in the bud is no easy task. Other mothers should take a page out of your book. Congratulations.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am hoping that you will be able to answer a question that has been bothering me for years. What is a "gay lifestyle"?

I am a 40-year-old gay male and don't have a clue as to what a gay lifestyle is. My life partner, David, and I have been together 15 years and have jointly adopted three special-needs children. We live in the suburbs in a middle-class neighborhood, at the end of a cul-de-sac. Like most of our gay and lesbian friends, we don't smoke, drink alcohol or go to bars. Our children go to public school with the rest of the children in the neighborhood.

Once a friend told me what he thought was a gay lifestyle, but by the sound of it, he was describing a single's lifestyle, gay or straight. Is that what some people mean, that is, a gay lifestyle is synonymous with a single lifestyle?

If there is such a thing as a gay lifestyle, doesn't that automatically mean that there is a "heterosexual lifestyle"? And if this is true, what is a heterosexual lifestyle? I have sincerely been asking people and no one has been able to give me an answer. -- MICHAEL SERKIN-POOLE, BELLEVUE, WASH.

DEAR MICHAEL: Fair questions. In Eric Marcus' informative book "Is It a Choice?" (HarperSanFrancisco), he answers this way: "After watching countless news reports and occasional documentaries over the years about gay people -- gay men, mostly -- the most popular image of gay life that has been seared into the minds of most Americans is the urban, single nightlife led by some gay men -- and plenty of straight people as well -- during the 1970s.

"As hard as it might be to believe, there is no such thing as a 'gay lifestyle,' just as there is no such thing as a heterosexual lifestyle. Gay and lesbian people, like heterosexual people, live in a variety of ways, from poor to middle-class to nouveau riche, from urban to rural."

DEAR ABBY: I am writing in response to the opinion of "Ex-Waitress," who apparently has a problem when a good server approaches her on a personal level.

When someone (anyone, anywhere), even the "person who has been hired to serve her," tells her that her "hair is pretty" or "that's a beautiful blouse," offense should be the last thing that crosses her mind. Helllooo!!! She has just been given a compliment on her great taste -- not a conversation, just a compliment; that's it.

I have been a waitress for 12 years and I love my job. It's the most enjoyable work I have ever done. The money's good, too, thanks to the many customers who don't penalize their server when they receive a compliment. Should I take offense when a customer likes my hair? No, I shouldn't.

My tip to "Ex-Waitress": Either stay home and eat, or try a vending machine. Then there will be no conversation that may offend her. With such an unpleasant attitude, it's no wonder she's an ex-waitress. -- A HAPPY AND FRIENDLY WAITRESS, LAKELAND, FLA.

DEAR HAPPY WAITRESS: Your "tip" to "Ex-Waitress" is probably one of the most valuable tips she'll ever receive. Let's hope she takes it.

DEAR ABBY: I call my sister in another state very often because of an illness in her family. When things are particularly bad, I call her every night.

These calls are quite expensive for me, and my sister has no consideration about the length of time she talks. She will gab on and on about her neighbors and incidents that I really don't care about when it's on my dime. It would be boring to me even if I lived around the corner from her.

If I remind her that this is long distance and I'm hearing a lot about nothing instead of what's going on with the sick relative, she gets highly insulted and calls me "cheap."

I care about the ailing family member and will continue to call, but how can I reduce the expense and aggravation and get my sister to be more considerate? -- PALM SPRINGS SISTER

DEAR PALM SPRINGS SISTER: Tell your sister at the beginning of the call that you have only a couple of minutes to find out how her relative is doing, and that you'll talk longer another time.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)