DEAR ABBY: I am 68 years old and have been a widow for 10 years. The gentleman I am dating (I'll call him Jim) is 72 and has been a widower for seven years. We have been dating for five years.

Recently we attended the 50th anniversary party for some longtime friends of Jim's. After the dinner, the couple opened their gifts and read the cards aloud to the guests. Imagine my shock when Jim's card was read. He had signed it "Jim and Margaret" -- Margaret was his wife's name!

I immediately told him how hurt I was, and he said he saw nothing wrong with signing his deceased wife's name to the card. He said he and Margaret had been best friends of the honored couple for over 40 years, and he wanted to keep Margaret's memory alive in their thoughts through this gift.

I was deeply hurt by Jim's actions, both in signing the card as he did and having no regrets about doing so.

Abby, do you think I'm wasting precious time in this relationship? -- HURT IN CHERRY HILL, N.J.

DEAR HURT: Signing the card "Jim and Margaret" was indeed in poor taste in view of the fact that you and he have been dating for the last five years. He is living in the past. But before breaking off your relationship because of a single thoughtless act, ask yourself if you would be better off WITH him or WITHOUT him.

DEAR ABBY: I read your column faithfully and have a couple of suggestions that could be of great help to your readers.

1. The names of all medications should be written on a card along with the correct dosage, how many times a day it must be taken and what it is for. The card should be carried at all times.

2. No one should leave home without a typewritten note with his or her name on it, stating whom to notify in case of an accident. It should NOT be placed in a purse or wallet; it should be placed in a pocket, in case the person is unconscious or the victim of a violent crime. All too often purses, wallets and ID "disappear," and there is no way to identify the person, or notify relatives or friends what their medical problems might be. -- EUGENE J. CARADEUC, DALY CITY, CALIF.

DEAR MR. CARADEUC: It's wise for people to carry a medication card and a note for identification, but it's also imperative for those with serious medical conditions to wear a medical tag providing medical information and a telephone number where a more complete summary of emergency information is available. (Order blanks are usually available at local pharmacies.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been having an ongoing "discussion" during the four years of our marriage. The disagreement involves who precedes whom when locating a place to sit upon entering a restaurant when a host/hostess doesn't seat you.

I am 49 years old and have always been preceded by my escort down the church aisle to locate a seat. He then steps back and lets me enter the pew first. The situation has always been similarly handled in eating establishments.

My husband believes that the woman always precedes the man in any situation. Who's right? -- JEANNIE ROBERTS, WILDERSVILLE, TENN.

DEAR JEANNIE: Your husband. According to Emily Post and Letitia Baldrige, the woman precedes the man in both situations.

In a restaurant, the lady precedes the man to the table and seats herself, or waits for her escort to pull her chair out for her.

In church, she sits in the selected pew, then slides over for her mate or escort.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I usually agree with your advice, but you missed the boat when you sided with the woman who thought it was improper to have a cash bar at a wedding reception.

Serving liquor has become a liability even if you serve it to a guest in your home. If the guest leaves your home and is arrested or has an accident, is the guest blamed? No, the person who provided the alcohol is at fault. A nasty lawsuit can result, not to mention personal injury should an accident occur.

Did the woman feel she was entitled to free liquor because she sent an "appropriate gift" from one of the "best stores"? Attending the wedding, being part of the celebration and attending the reception wasn't enough? Does free liquor make the event more meaningful? I think not.

Unfortunately, people invariably drink more when the drinks are free. Paying for each drink is a reminder of how many drinks they have had. A cash bar at a wedding reception is indeed proper. Guests who must have alcoholic beverages can pay for them and bear the responsibility. -- TIMES HAVE CHANGED, CAPE CORAL, FLA.

DEAR TIMES HAVE CHANGED: Ouch! I was soundly clobbered for having agreed that a cash bar at a wedding reception was improper. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: You told a reader that a cash bar at a wedding reception was not proper. You are out of touch -- it IS proper. The key word is LIABILITY. An open bar may lead to overindulgence. Overindulgence may lead to automobile or other accidents. If the bar is free, the liability may be that of the host. If the wedding guests are charged for their drinks, it not only tends to slow them down, but puts the responsibility on the bar/restaurant/establishment.

Please do not use my name. My husband is a retired attorney and he refuses to acknowledge my law degree by osmosis. Sign me ... M. FROM OREGON

DEAR ABBY: In the great state of Minnesota where lawsuits are running rampant, a cash bar is the only way to go.

The hotel or restaurant has the necessary insurance to cover any liabilities. If YOU provide the liquor, YOU are liable for anyone leaving drunk and killing themselves or others.

Have you ever seen what happens when free liquor is provided? People drink three times as much as they would if they had to pay for it.

A good idea is to provide alcohol-free champagne and toast the couple; then let the guests buy their own drinks.

The last wedding reception we went to had a free keg of beer. When the keg was empty, they played "Taps." Tacky? Yes. Funny? Very. -- JEANNE GRATES, PLYMOUTH, MINN.

DEAR ABBY: "Confused in Connecticut" implied that she gave wedding gifts in exchange for unlimited free drinks.

Abby, I could have been the bride at that wedding, so I hope you will air my side of the story.

I wanted my reception to be held at some out-of-the-way place that was absolutely "dry" -- not because of my religious beliefs, but because I was horrified to think what could happen if my family had unlimited free booze. However, my mother insisted on having the reception at her favorite restaurant.

The manager tried to persuade me to have an open bar plus a champagne fountain, but I convinced him that it would not be a good idea by relating a few horror stories about my cousin's wedding. Unfortunately, I couldn't do anything about the main bar upstairs. At least the distance of the main bar from the reception and the expense of paying for their own drinks kept the lid on things.

I suppose I could have eloped, but I took the risk because I really wanted a wedding. My mother had looked forward to planning it, and my future husband and his parents expected one. I just didn't want my reception to involve a lot of police officers and emergency room doctors.

Please don't use my name. Sign me ... WANTED TO RIDE IN A LIMO, NOT A PADDY WAGON

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have just been through the worst experience in my life. I am a 22-year-old woman who was robbed in the apartment I share with a friend, who was away for the weekend. I spent 14 hours bound and gagged. I have tape marks and rope burns on my legs and shoulders. Yes, I actually opened my door to a stranger thinking it was the maintenance man from the complex. A couple (man and woman) pushed themselves in and held me at knifepoint. I am petite and was no match for either.

They wanted money, bank and credit cards, which I willingly gave them. They told me they'd have to tie me up. (That actually relieved me since I figured they would have no need to hurt me and, being fairly agile, I could eventually work myself loose.) Well, they proceeded to bind my hands behind me with duct tape, and bind my legs and feet with rope. They taped my mouth and wound the remaining yards of duct tape around my entire body. For good measure, they plopped me face-down on a bed and bound my hands and feet together so I couldn't even stretch out. That's how I spent the next 14 hours. I did not attempt to roll off the bed for fear of breaking a limb, and though I struggled from time to time, I knew it was hopeless.

When my roommate finally returned, I was as tightly bound as ever. She needed scissors and a knife to get me free -- and it still took 20 minutes.

Abby, I am telling you all this partially to get it out of my system and also to warn your readers about opening doors to strangers. I am so embarrassed, I haven't even told my family, but I sure have learned my lesson. Sign me ... HOMEBOUND IN PHILADELPHIA

DEAR HOMEBOUND: Thank you for writing to describe your nightmarish experience in order to warn others. Although you didn't mention doing so, I hope you reported this serious crime to the police, even though you have not informed your family.

You may also need someone with whom you can talk this out. An excellent resource for this would be a victims' rights or victims' support group. They are as close as your local phone directory.

Readers, I hope you have instructed your children never to open the door to strangers. Now vow to use that advice yourselves.

DEAR ABBY: You printed a letter I wrote to you about a year ago with some advice to a woman whose husband had suddenly left her. Today I'm responding to the letter from "Devastated in Renton, Wash."

She should dump him! The bum I was once married to told me on our honeymoon that a former girlfriend turned him on more than I did. I should have left him on the spot. (Hindsight is always 20/20, isn't it?) No one should stay in a marriage that isn't mutually supportive, respectful and loving.

"Devastated" sounds like a nice person, but her husband is hostile toward women, and he will never change without extensive counseling and in-depth soul searching to find out why he is so angry.

Abby, please tell her that the prospects for finding love again aren't all that slim. I got married last year, at the age of 47, to the most wonderful man in the world, and I am not tall and slender like "Devastated." Sign me ... BETTER THAN EVER IN PIEDMONT

DEAR BETTER THAN EVER: Congratulations on having found such a wonderful man. As the old song goes, "Love is wonderful ... the second time around."

Best wishes for continued happiness.

DEAR ABBY: I couldn't help but respond to "Steamed's" dilemma about her friend bringing a salad to Bible study and a hosted lunch.

Her answer lies in the very Bible she is studying: Proverbs 15:17: Better a meal of vegetables where there is love than a fattened calf with hatred.

It would be a nice gesture for "Steamed" to prepare a lovely salad lunch the next time it's her turn to hostess. -- ROCHELLE IN SACRAMENTO

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)