DEAR READERS: I'll be on vacation between Aug. 18 and Aug. 31. Don't panic -- I've selected some of my favorite letters from past years to fill the gap. I hope you enjoy them.

DEAR ABBY: I am planning to be married next month, and what should be the happiest time in my life has turned into one of my biggest problems. The reason is my mother -- or more specifically, her drinking. She has ruined every affair she's attended.

Last year at my sister's wedding, Mother:

1. Propositioned the judge who performed the ceremony.

2. Started a screaming argument with my sister.

3. Punched me out.

4. Went on a crying jag.

5. Fell on the dance floor.

6. Got mad at the people who were trying to help her and locked herself in the coat closet.

Mother is a darling person when she's sober, but when she drinks, she's impossible. Afterward, when we tell her how she behaved, she doesn't believe us.

I'm planning my wedding half-heartedly, knowing my mother will ruin it. I love my mother, Abby, and can't have a wedding and not invite her. We are considering eloping, but if we do, we will want a reception afterward to celebrate our marriage, and if Mother comes, she will turn it into a disaster.

What should we do? We're not kids. I'm 42, the groom is 52 and Mother is 63. -- SOMETHING BLUE

DEAR BLUE: Talk candidly to your mother. And tell her that only if she agrees to refrain from drinking on your wedding day will you have a wedding. If she agrees, enlist the cooperation of a few close friends and/or relatives to make sure she either keeps her promise or is removed. It's not fair that you should have to elope or forgo a wedding because your mother can't tolerate alcohol.

I recommend Al-Anon. It teaches friends and families of alcoholics how to deal with the problem. And if you really love your mother, you will view her problem as an illness and do all you can to help her.

DEAR ABBY: I don't have a problem. I have a solution to what used to be a major headache in my life. Perhaps others may benefit should you care to print this.

My 90-year-old mother has been confined to a nursing home for the past three years. She is alert and enjoys relatively good health. Her major disability is that she has become quite deaf, but she refuses to wear a hearing aid because she says it will make her look "old." Consequently, visits with her always end up in an angry shouting match, and communication with friends and family has come to a halt. Now Mother sits alone in a silent, frustrating world.

Recently I hit upon a partial solution. Each day I mail her a "bulletin," bringing her news of the family, cheery comments on life and absolutely no bad news. I type six at a time (one can improvise on coming events), using large uppercase letters and double spacing for easy reading. It takes only one hour a week -- a small price for the joy it gives my mother. The results can't be measured. She gets a little present every day the mail is delivered and is no longer a nonperson.

My daily bulletins do not replace personal visits; they make those visits more pleasant. -- R.H.G., ELM GROVE, WIS.

DEAR R.H.G.: I hope you will mention in one of your "bulletins" that a hearing aid does not make a person look "old." It's hardly visible, but if it's noticed at all, it's evidence that the wearer is doing his or her part to stay in communication with the outside world.

And how very thoughtful of you to see that your mother gets something in the mail from you every day.

DEAR ABBY: My mother and I are in total disagreement, and here's why:

My brother and I are both married, and we each have two young children. My mother bought my brother's kids beautiful outfits for their birthdays, but for my kids, she bought a couple of yards of material and told me to make them outfits.

I thought this was very unfair and I told her so. She said it wasn't unfair because my brother's wife doesn't sew and I do. I'll leave it up to you and your readers, Abby. Do you think this was fair? I like to sew, but not that much. -- DISAPPOINTED

DEAR DISAPPOINTED: It wasn't fair, and your disappointment was justified. Youngsters look forward to receiving birthday gifts, and a couple of yards of material isn't nearly as much fun to unwrap as a new outfit.

DEAR READERS: If you would like your letter considered for publication, please include your name, area code and telephone number.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR READERS: I'll be on vacation between Aug. 18 and Aug. 31. Don't panic -- I've selected some of my favorite letters from past years to fill the gap. I hope you enjoy them.

DEAR ABBY: We have an uncle who made a strange request some time ago. He asked us (his nieces) to be his pallbearers when he dies.

He is very sick now and has repeated that request. My father disapproves because he never heard of female pallbearers. I for one would like to be a pallbearer at my uncle's funeral because he is my favorite uncle. My cousins also would like to serve as pallbearers. Have you ever heard of such a thing? And even if you haven't, do you see anything wrong with it? -- LOUISVILLE, KY.

DEAR LOUISVILLE: I have indeed heard of it, and there's no reason why your uncle's wishes should not be carried out when he is.

DEAR ABBY: My son, Allen, who is 18, has been going with Anna Marie for three years. She's also 18. They have been engaged since last Christmas, but no wedding date has been set. Allen lives at home and just started working at a bank. Anna Marie works there too. This bank has a great benefit package, which includes a $50,000 life insurance policy. Allen told me he made Anna Marie his beneficiary. I was very hurt. I told him that after they are married, she should be the beneficiary, but until then, if, God forbid, something should happen to him, I should be the beneficiary of his policy.

He said no; if something should happen to him tomorrow, he'd want his girlfriend to collect on his policy. What is your opinion? -- ALLEN'S MOTHER

DEAR MOTHER: I'm with you. Until Allen and Anna Marie are married (unless she's pregnant), Allen's beneficiary should be his mother.

DEAR ABBY: I have been told by friends that it is possible to get pregnant through your jeans. I can't believe this!

I am a virgin, just turned 15, and know I am going to be more involved with guys now that I'm dating. If this is possible, I am scared to death to get very close to any guy. I need to know as soon as possible.

I hope you won't think this is a dumb question. -- WORRIED IN EL PASO

DEAR WORRIED: It is not a dumb question. It's a very intelligent one. A lot of kids get aroused just by lying close to each other while kissing. Then they just naturally proceed to the next step, which is petting.

It's not possible to get pregnant through one's jeans, but sometimes kids remove some of their clothing because it's "in the way," or they burrow underneath it to explore each other's bodies with their hands. This is known as heavy petting, or "doing everything else but."

The technical (and legal) definition of sexual intercourse is "penetration." (The male's sex organ must penetrate the female's.) However, as impossible as it may sound, in the medical literature can be found cases where there has been no penetration -- the girl remained a virgin, but after engaging in heavy petting, she found herself pregnant.

I have included this information in my booklet for teens.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR READERS: I'll be on vacation between Aug. 18 and Aug. 31. Don't panic -- I've selected some of my favorite letters from past years to fill the gap. I hope you enjoy them.

DEAR ABBY: A young woman who attends our church brings a large bag containing some kind of needlework, and all during the church service she either knits, crochets or does needlepoint.

I find this very distracting, and from the looks cast her way from others sitting near her, they too are annoyed.

I don't have the nerve to say something to her, and apparently neither has anyone else. She sits toward the back, so the minister can't see what she's doing. It's irritating to see her knitting away during the sermon. Maybe if you mention it in your column, she'll stop. -- DISGUSTED IN YAKIMA, WASH.

DEAR DISGUSTED: Here's the needle. I hope she gets the point.

DEAR ABBY: I recently hired a 35-year-old housekeeper. She's neat, clean, quiet and competent, and I like her very much. There is only one problem: She answers my telephone, "Praise the Lord!"

I don't have the nerve to ask her to please answer the telephone with "Mrs. So-and-So's residence." Even a simple "Hello" would satisfy me.

Any suggestions? If you use this letter in your column, she might get the message. Thank you. (P.S. I am all for praising the Lord, Abby, but I'm afraid someone might think he's dialed a wrong number and got a church or a rescue mission by mistake.) -- PORTOLA VALLEY

DEAR VALLEY: It's your home, so don't hesitate to instruct your housekeeper to answer your phone with the conventional "Mrs. So-and-So's residence."

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 60-year-old, attractive, marriage-minded widow who's been dating a 65-year-old, well-to-do, fun-loving widower. He recently moved into my building, and every unattached woman in the building is after him.

He propositioned me once in a cute way, saying, "What's another slice off a loaf of bread that's already been cut?" I made it plain that I wasn't interested in any kind of relationship that didn't include marriage. He insists that marriage is not in his plans.

Now he has a new approach. He told me that his urologist told him that men who are not sexually active are 100 times more susceptible to cancer of the prostate than men who have sex regularly. Is this true, or do you think he's just trying to get me into bed? -- LAUDERDALE LIBRA

DEAR LIBRA: It's not true. He's looking for a treat as well as a treatment. Tell him you're sorry, but you can't practice medicine without a license -- a marriage license, that is.

DEAR ABBY: Peace and all good things! I am a nun writing in desperation, hoping that you have a charitable solution to a most annoying problem.

I live in a small religious community with other sisters whom I dearly love. It seems that whenever I am trying to eat a quick lunch, a certain sister comes over with her crossword puzzle and asks, "What was the name of Seth's son?" Or, "What was Noah's boat called?"

Dear Abby, have you any ideas?

Deliver me from crossword puzzles, now and forever. Amen! -- IMPATIENT SISTER

DEAR SISTER: Practice the virtue of patience, pray for forbearance and utter ye not a cross word about the puzzle.

DEAR READERS: If you would like your letter considered for publication, please include our name, area code and telephone number.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)