DEAR ABBY: I recently married "Ed," who is 16 years older than I am. I am 34.

My problem is his 2-year-old son, "Andy," whose mother died in childbirth. This child rules our home! He's been sleeping with his father since birth. I bought a crib for Andy, but Ed refuses to put him in it. He says that since Andy's mother died, the child needs to be close to someone to be assured that he is loved.

I put Andy in his crib and he rolls over and goes right to sleep, but after I go to work, Ed moves him to our bed. (I work the graveyard shift.) When I come home, there is Andy on my side of the bed, sleeping soundly. After he wakes up, I go to bed, but when naptime comes, Ed puts Andy in bed with me where he plays, talks, pulls my hair, etc.

Ed allow this kid to wreck the house. He also allows him to have the say about what he eats, what he wants to do or wear. Andy sits on his dad's lap a lot during his waking hours, and if I come near him, he bites or scratches me. His father doesn't scold him for such behavior.

When Ed is at work and I care for Andy, he is a different child. He picks up his toys, eats what I prepare for him and sleeps in his crib. I have let him know his limitations with me, but he also knows I love him.

Abby, how do I get my husband to see what he is doing to our relationship? We can't even make love without Andy crawling over the bed and laughing until we stop. Then Ed rolls over and cuddles his son while I lie alone. -- TEARFUL IN TENNESSEE

DEAR TEARFUL: Your husband is overdoing the role of good daddy. Andy has already learned how to maneuver himself into the position of "man of the house." If this continues, the problem will become unmanageable. Ed needs counseling to realize that he has an obligation not only to be a good father, but also to be a good husband.

DEAR ABBY: What do you do about a dog who barks and growls at every visitor who comes to the house?

Every time the doorbell rings, my dog growls viciously at the intruder. She's a Lhasa apso, a breed that originated in Tibet as guard dogs. I dislike scolding her for acting on instinct, but even I have to admit that my dog's bark is very threatening.

My parents are tired of my dog's bad manners, and I don't blame them one bit.

What should I do? -- DOESN'T NEED A GUARD DOG

DEAR DOESN'T NEED A GUARD DOG: Call a local veterinarian and find out where obedience training is available.

Your library may have a video on obedience training, but with such a high-strung breed, you will probably need a professional to help you train her.

CONFIDENTIAL TO 'TALKED ABOUT' IN NEW ORLEANS: Keep your character in mint condition and your reputation will take care of itself.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am the mother of a 3-year-old boy and a 2-month-old daughter. Like any proud parent, I love the chance to show off my children and the attention we receive in supermarkets, church, the mall, etc.

People constantly stop to comment on "that adorable baby." They ask her age, who she looks like, how much she weighed at birth ... whatever is on their minds. I'm always happy to talk, but I dread it now because they ignore my son. Through the interviews, his little face is bright and interested, but his sweet face crumples when he realizes that, yet again, no one notices him. It breaks my heart to see him hurt like that.

Please remind your readers that children of all ages have feelings. He's so proud of being the big brother, and he would love to tell anyone about her -- if only they would ask him. Even one question directed to him would make his day. It's hard for a child suddenly to go from being the only child to invisible when a baby is around.

Friends who stopped by with gifts for the baby were no different. They give him a pat on the head and say, "No, this is for your sister." I anticipated that and kept little gifts wrapped for him in case visitors forgot him, but it's not the same. Anything, even a balloon meant especially for him, would have made his day.

Older children don't need anything expensive; they just want to know they are remembered. A little gesture would mean the world and might prevent some deep-rooted sibling resentment. -- OLDEST SIBLING, TOO

DEAR OLDEST SIBLING: Thank you for a wonderful letter. Most people don't mean to be unkind to the older children -- they just forget that big brother or big sister still need a little attention, too. Your letter should jog their memories, but please don't leave it up to strangers or acquaintances to include the older children. Take it upon yourself to include them in your conversations and encourage them to speak up. It will help them to develop social skills.

DEAR ABBY: Many a food server has lost a tip because of the following comments:

1. Do you guys want anything else?

2. Your hair sure is pretty. Where do you have it done?

3. That's a beautiful blouse. Where did you buy it? How much was it?

This has happened to my husband and me in all types of restaurants. When we go out to dine, we do not care to carry on a personal conversation with the person who has been hired to serve us. -- EX-WAITRESS

DEAR EX: This may have happened to you in "all types" of restaurants, but in first-class restaurants, food servers know better than to ask, "Do you guys want anything else?" Comments about the customer's grooming and wearing apparel are also inappropriate.

You could have given your server(s) a tip far more valuable than money if you had spoken up.

DEAR ABBY: I read with great amusement the letter from the "Sasebo Sailor" whose Filipino wife feared he had a "sweetheart in every port."

During my 29 years in the U.S. Coast Guard, my wife asked me that question only once -- to which I responded, "No dear, I don't have a sweetheart in every port; I haven't BEEN to every port."

We are still happily married and looking forward to our 40th wedding anniversary in three years. -- E.E. MORAN, CAPT., USCG (RET.) CHESAPEAKE, VA.

Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My ladyfriend and I would like to get married (we are both 70 years old). However, as a widow she gets a pension from her deceased husband's former employer, which indicates her pension will stop if she remarries.

A friend of mine says that the U.S. Supreme Court ruled some years ago that this type of restriction is no longer valid. Is this correct? -- E.A.H. IN POMPANO BEACH, FLA.

DEAR E.A.H.: I am not permitted to practice law in Florida -- or any other state. However, I checked with my legal experts who informed me that most pension plans are covered by ERISA (the Employee Retirement Income Security Act). The pension administrator for the deceased husband's company can verify for your ladyfriend whether or not her pension is covered by ERISA. If it is, then that provision is not valid.

If the pension is not covered, she should check with a Florida lawyer who is an expert in pension law.

DEAR ABBY: In my opinion, we need a national slogan that reminds us to care about everybody and everything. Of course, the Golden Rule represents this. It should be taught to children in the schools. At the beginning of the first class, its meaning could be explained. At the end of the day, teachers could remind the students, "Don't forget the Golden Rule."

What do you think, Abby? -- NANDOR LAZAR, NORFOLK, VA.

DEAR NANDOR LAZAR: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" is an excellent philosophy to live by. The message is simple and powerful. However, children learn by imitation. I feel that principles such as this are most effective when they are taught at home by parents who not only preach the rules but practice them as well.

DEAR ABBY: My problem involves my best girlfriend's brother and mother. Her brother -- I'll call him Ben -- and I have become very close. I love him a lot. The problem is his mom. She hasn't forbidden us to see each other (she probably knows we'd see each other anyway), but she won't let me come over if she's not there.

She never gives us any privacy or any time alone. She's overprotective and babies him a lot. If I say anything, she tells me it's none of my business. I should tell you that I'm 21 and Ben is 16. Is there any way to reassure her that we know what we're doing?

Please print this because I would like to show her your answer. -- KNOWS WHAT I'M DOING

DEAR KNOWS: You are an adult, but the boy is underage, so I implore you to back off. If you refuse to do so, his parents could take legal action against you.

The best way to reassure Ben's mother is to respect the rules of her household.

DEAR ABBY: Circumstances beyond our control prevent us, a single man and single woman, from marrying.

When one of us dies, in the obituary, along with the listing of family survivors, may the term "significant other" be used in listing the surviving partner? Or do you think just "dear friend" would be better? -- LONGTIME READER IN FLORIDA

DEAR LONGTIME READER: "Dear friend" would be my choice.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)