DEAR ABBY: Thirty years ago, when my husband and I were married, our parents helped us out financially, for which we were grateful. Of course we paid them back as we promised to -- so much each month.

Our children are now grown and have children of their own. Last September our son asked us to co-sign a loan so he could purchase a $2,400 computer system for his wife and children. He promised to pay it back in six months. He also asked to borrow our credit card to pick up some toys he had on layaway for our grandchildren last Christmas. He promised to pay it back in January this year. We also co-signed a three-year lease/purchase contract on a home.

Nine months later, we received a notice from the bank that there had been no payment in two months. Our son explained that he was short of cash and couldn't make the payments, so we found ourselves stuck with them. He now says he doesn't know when he can pay us back. We have also discovered that they are consistently late with the lease payments for their home.

Abby, we never thought this would happen to us -- especially from a family member.

When will our children grow up? And what happened to "Honor thy father and thy mother"? -- TOO TRUSTING IN DELAWARE

DEAR TOO TRUSTING: Sharing your disappointing experience in an effort to warn other overly generous parents is noble and appreciated, but please don't tar all adult children with the same brush.

Most parents who help their married children as you did are repaid (as promised) by responsible children who honor their commitments.

I will repeat what I've said in the past: Before you lend money to a family member, make sure the terms of repayment are set in writing, with an agreed-upon consequence for nonpayment. It should be signed by both parties and notarized.

DEAR ABBY: I have worked in fire safety for almost 30 years. I thought I had seen and heard just about everything, but a series of incidents really caught my attention.

We had a rash of grease fires around here for a while. One started when a pan of grease caught fire on a stove. The owners of the home weren't watching, and one thing led to another. The fire heated up the ventilator hood above the stove, and it grew so hot that the kitchen cabinet above and its contents became engulfed in flames.

Can you guess what was in that cabinet?

If you said "cooking oil," you're exactly right. I can't think of anything more flammable to feed a fire. And of course, the fire rose to the occasion. The results were a sight to behold.

So, Abby, your readers might want to take a moment and review what they have stored in their above-the-hood cabinets in their kitchens. Could it be cooking oil or a few pressurized cans? If the answer is yes, and they happen to have a kitchen fire they could be in real trouble.

Your readers may want to reconsider the contents of that particular cabinet. I certainly did in mine. -- SAFETY OFFICER IN FORT WALTON BEACH, FLA.

DEAR SAFETY OFFICER: Thank you for a valuable letter, and for pointing out that the most convenient place to store flammable items is not always the safest. After reading your letter I suspect that more than a few readers went into their kitchens to do some minor kitchen reorganizing. I did.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I recently called my daughter-in-law and asked her to give me my ex-husband's new address. She refused to give it to me, so the next day I called my son "Jeff" at work and asked him for the address. He also refused, and said he doesn't give his dad information about me and he wouldn't give me information about his father. I don't care if Jeff gives such information to anyone -- I am listed in the phone book.

Jeff said he would call his dad and ask if it was OK to give me the address. (His father and I are estranged and avoid all possible contact.) I merely want his address for my records, and I did not request a telephone number.

I know in which city he lives and have been thinking of moving to that city as well, but I certainly would not want to live in the same neighborhood. I may need the address in later years to claim Social Security benefits or something.

I am dismayed at my son's attitude. I can't understand why he is being so pigheaded about an address. Am I wrong for expecting him to give me this information? -- A DISMAYED AND PERPLEXED MOM

DEAR DISMAYED AND PERPLEXED: Yes, you are wrong to expect your son to give you information about his father, especially since you are estranged from your former husband and you both avoid contact. Don't try to wheedle the information from Jeff or his wife. Putting your son and daughter-in-law in the middle will only alienate them from you. Jeff will tell his father you would like his address. But the decision whether or not to give it out rests with your ex.

DEAR ABBY: I just spoke with my younger sister whom I haven't seen in six years. I had planned on visiting her in September. She told me she had heard through the family grapevine that I was planning to bring "John," my live-in boyfriend. Abby, John is not just a boyfriend -- we are getting married before the end of the year.

I am not a child. I have four grown children and a grandson, and I have been divorced for many years.

Well, to make a long story short, my sister informed me that when I visit her I will not be allowed to sleep with John. (It's not like she and her husband are saints. He did drugs and had plenty of women before they were married, and my sister was no angel either.)

I am so burned up over her holier-than-thou attitude that I'm considering canceling my trip. What are your thoughts on this, Abby? It's going to be a family reunion and I would hate to miss it. -- ON THE FENCE

DEAR ON: Your sister and brother-in-law have the right to make the rules in their home. Stop fuming, get off the fence, take John and stay at a motel.

P.S. I hope you and John enjoy the family reunion!

CONFIDENTIAL TO "YOUR NEW READER IN PORTLAND, ORE.": True, charity begins at home, but it shouldn't end there. The way to have nothing to give is to give nothing.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Several months ago I wrote you using the name of a dear friend and longtime prankster, Michael Deibele of Portland, Ore. In it, "he" was writing about his hobby, baton twirling, and the fact he was receiving flak about it.

I, not Michael Deibele, wrote that letter. I thought that people who know Mike would read it, think it was funny (obviously a joke) and no one would be the wiser. I intended to use this harmless prank as a way of getting back at him for years of practical jokes.

Instead, my friend Mike has received homophobic crank calls and a lot of unwanted attention from the media. I feel terrible about this!

Abby, I need to clear up this situation, take blame where blame is due and apologize. I hope you will print my letter. -- JULIE WILBORN, PORTLAND, ORE.

DEAR JULIE: You have shown maturity by writing to set the record straight. Your letter illustrates the danger of practical jokes, the consequences of which can sometimes mushroom.

Since I published your original letter, I've been reminded that there exists an outdated public perception that certain activities are "masculine" or "feminine," and those who cross over and enjoy them are suspect. For example: Needlepoint has long been regarded as a woman's hobby. But Rosie Grier does it, and can hardly be classified as effeminate -- nor should male surgeons who sometimes do needlepoint to keep their fingers strong and nimble.

Professional dancing has been similarly classified. But no one would label Fred Astaire, Gene Kelly, Mikhail Baryshnikov or Patrick Swayze "gay." The same goes for male hairdressers -- and anyone who doubts it should rent a video of the cult favorite, "Shampoo."

It is estimated that up to 10 percent of the population is homosexual. Homosexuals are represented in every profession, sport and hobby, whether they choose to disclose it or not.

But I digress: Until this unfortunate incident, Michael Deibele told me, he was unaware of the extent to which homophobia has blossomed in the USA of the '90s. It should be unnecessary for Mike to explain that baton twirling is not and never has been a hobby of his, that it was a figment of your fertile imagination, and that he is the victim of a practical joke. Not only have there been homophobic phone calls, but also calls from male friends who assure him, "We're with you all the way" with a knowing chuckle, and numerous calls from the national media asking to interview him about "his hobby."

I apologize to Mr. Deibele for the part I unwittingly played in this unfortunate incident. And in the future, I am asking readers who want their letters to be published to include a phone number that I can use for verification.

Practical joking is a hobby that BOTH of you should discontinue. He who lives by the sword dies by the sword.

DEAR ABBY: My husband joins a group of male friends every now and then for a "guy's day off." They get together for a day of fishing or golfing.

I don't mind this except for one little problem. The organizer invites his daughter's boyfriend to come along with the guys, and she shows up in short-shorts and tags along for the whole day. If the spouses let the men have this day for themselves, why can't the daughter stay home and let her boyfriend have fun without her? She can be with him afterward.

Abby, several of the men and most of the spouses would like to know how to handle this problem. -- NO WOMEN ALLOWED IN INDIANA

DEAR NO WOMEN ALLOWED: If one of you will clip this column and hand it to the organizer, the problem should be solved. If not, the guys should talk to the organizer and ask him to tell his daughter that this is strictly a guy thing, so she should make other plans for the day.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)