DEAR ABBY: After a childhood scarred by physical and verbal abuse, I married an abusive man from whom I endured 12 years of physical and emotional mistreatment. I am often asked why I remained and put up with such treatment -- why I didn't just get out.

I compare myself in those days to a beaten dog -- timid, withdrawn and distrustful, yet loyal and even forgiving to its owner after being beaten. Why would humans be any different?

I am now free of this abusive man, and in retrospect, I realize that I was programmed to believe the way I did. However, I have been deprogramming myself since those terrible years, and I have succeeded in developing a measure of confidence and self-worth. In fact, I'm a wonderful human being!

I read the poem you published some time ago by Veronica Shoffstall called "After a While" over and over, and I even have a copy of it framed on my wall. I, too, will continue to learn -- with every goodbye, I learn. -- HEALING IN MINNESOTA

DEAR HEALING: Congratulations on your renewed self-esteem and your positive steps to recovery. "After a While" is a favorite of mine, too, and I'm pleased to share it again with my readers.

AFTER A WHILE by Veronica Shoffstall

After a while you learn the subtle difference

between holding a hand and sharing a life

and you learn that love doesn't mean possession

and company doesn't mean security

and loneliness is universal.

And you learn that kisses aren't contracts

and presents aren't promises

and you begin to accept your defeats

with your head up and your eyes open

with the grace of a woman

not the grief of a child.

And you learn to build your hope on today

as the future has a way of falling apart in mid-flight

because tomorrow's ground can be too uncertain for plans

yet each step taken in a new direction creates a path

toward the promise of a brighter dawn.

And you learn that even sunshine burns

if you get too much

so you plant your own garden

and nourish your own soul

instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that love, true love,

always has joys and sorrows

seems ever present, yet is never quite the same

becoming more than love and less than love

so difficult to define.

And you learn that through it all

you really can endure

that you really are strong

that you do have value

and you learn and grow

with every goodbye

you learn.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: About 13 years ago, my parents moved from the town in which my sister, brother and I live to a small town about four hours away. Each of us "kids" has made many visits to our parents for holidays, vacations and "just because." Each year I send birthday and Christmas cards and presents. We do get gifts in return, but usually several days after the occasion. I also call or write them about once a month.

Abby, my husband and I have our own business, which is seven days a week, 365 days a year. (I won't say what it is for fear of disclosing my identity.)

Our parents have never spent one holiday with any of us at our homes. They are retired. They travel quite often, but never visit us. They call about once or twice a year. This year, I asked them several times to come spend the holidays with us, as we are understaffed and have to work on most holidays. They adamantly refused. We are always welcome there, but they will not spend a holiday at anyone's house. They never phone us on holidays; we have to call them.

My father is not in terrific health, so I feel I must keep in contact, but I'm getting tired of being the one to initiate anything.

I told my parents the last time I called that they should start coming here or calling us once in a while -- but the last holiday passed and there was no phone call from them. Nothing. I have thought about not having any contact -- but I don't want to do that. I feel I've done everything possible. Please don't say "just go visit." It's not that easy. -- FRUSTRATED IN MEDFORD, ORE.

DEAR FRUSTRATED: If your parents adamantly refuse to change their behavior, there is nothing that you or the other "kids" can do to force them. Your parents are older and obviously set in their ways. If anything happened to either of them, and you hadn't seen them on the preceding holiday because you were "punishing" them, you would never forgive yourself.

If the demands of your business make it impossible for you to travel, that's understandable, but please don't cut off your nose to spite your face. You could regret it for a long, long time.

DEAR ABBY: I am a married woman in my mid-20s. I have a "best friend" I'll call "Muriel" whom I spend time with every day. My problem is, I feel that I have to be with her all the time. I sometimes feel like I'm in love with her.

I get jealous whenever Muriel's boyfriend comes over, to the point where I actually get upset and start arguments. I'm not attracted to her sexually; I just want her friendship all to myself.

I have told Muriel all of this. She told me I'd always come first with her as far as friends go.

Abby, homosexuality runs through my family, and I don't want to be one. I know my feelings for Muriel are outrageous, and believe me, I'd rather be with my husband, whom I also love very much. What do you advise? -- CONFUSED IN TEXAS

DEAR CONFUSED: Feeling possessive about a friendship does not necessarily mean that you are homosexual. But since the issue of your sexuality is making you uncomfortable, you should seek professional counseling so you can sort out your mixed feelings. I wish you the best of luck.

Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR READERS: Recently I was asked about President James A. Garfield's "Rules for Living." When I confessed I had not seen them, many of you were kind enough to send them to me.

They were evidently given to a young James A. Garfield by an elderly friend, and Garfield cherished them to the end of his life. So for "A Moment in History," who asked for them, and for all of my readers who will surely enjoy them, here are President James A. Garfield's cherished personal principles:

-- Never be idle.

-- Make few promises.

-- Always speak the truth.

-- Live within your income.

-- Never speak evil of anyone.

-- Keep good company or none.

-- Live up to your engagements.

-- Never play games of chance.

-- Drink no intoxicating drinks.

-- Good character is above everything else.

-- Keep your own secrets if you have any.

-- Never borrow if you can possibly help it.

-- Do not marry until you are able to support a wife.

-- When you speak to a person, look into his eyes.

-- Save when you are young to spend when you are old.

-- Never run into debt unless you see a way out again.

-- Good company and good conversation are the sinews of virtue.

-- Your character cannot be essentially injured except by your own acts.

-- If anybody speaks evil of you, let your life be so that no one believes him.

-- When you retire at night, think over what you have done during the day.

-- If your hands cannot be employed usefully, attend to the culture of your mind.

-- Read the above carefully and thoughtfully at least once a week.

DEAR ABBY: We recently moved to a new city, and our new telephone number once belonged to a doctor's office. (The doctor has moved to the other side of town.) We frequently find phone messages on our answering machine from people attempting to contact this doctor. One man left a message in minute detail about which vertebrae his wife injured while she was dancing. Another individual left three messages in two hours. He was obviously in extreme pain, begging the doctor to call him.

Our new number is also very close to that of a "Jason." Although the greeting on our machine clearly states that Kraig and Lisa live at this number, we often get messages for him, too. His bank called about his savings account; a car dealer called about a new model he thought Jason might like; a few of his friends were in town for the weekend and called about getting together.

We are often tempted to call these people back and tell them they reached the wrong number, but we remind ourselves that we are not someone else's answering service.

For a while, we had a hilarious message -- obviously not that of a doctor's office. Finally, in desperation, we changed our greeting to: "Kraig and Lisa cannot come to the phone right now. Please leave a message after the tone. And by the way, this is not a doctor's office and Jason doesn't live here." That seemed to do the trick! -- KRAIG AND LISA, CEDAR RAPIDS, IOWA

DEAR KRAIG AND LISA: Thanks for your letter. As more and more people use telephone answering machines, it is important for callers to listen to the machine's "greeting" to be certain they have reached the right number before leaving a message. Callers could be leaving a message for someone who will never receive it if they have dialed the wrong number. (Press the star key if you comprehend this message.)

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)