DEAR ABBY: I'm facing a real dilemma with my aging mother. She's approaching 80 and is very set in her ways. She gets angry when anyone suggests she see a doctor, and yet it's obvious she's suffering a hearing loss. And lately she's been falling down a lot -- exiting a department store, getting out of a chair to answer the phone. A couple of weeks ago, in my presence, she fell face first into the mud while retrieving one of her cats that had leapt from her arms.

When I suggest she get checked by a doctor to find out why she's frequently falling down, she says, "There's nothing wrong with me. I just lost my balance."

There's got to be more to it than that, but she's stubborn and not easily convinced to pay attention to my opinions or anyone else's. I love her dearly and worry all the time about her seriously injuring herself in one of her falls.

Any suggestions how I can get her to see a doctor about this problem? -- LOSING SLEEP IN GLENDALE, CALIF.

DEAR LOSING SLEEP: Does your mother have a personal physician? If so, call him or her and repeat what you have described to me. Then schedule your mother for a thorough physical examination and referral to an ear specialist. Ask your mother's physician to call her and suggest it's time for a checkup. You should take her there to be sure she goes.

It's possible that her hearing loss and loss of balance are part of the same problem. Putting off diagnosis and treatment enables your mother to avoid facing the fact that there's a physical problem. Admitting that there is a problem is the first step in resolving it.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 35-year-old male who is going through a somewhat nasty divorce and child custody battle. We were married for seven years and have a 5-year-old child. It was probably a mistake to get married, and the child only compounded our marital problems. There was never any real companionship in our marriage, and frankly, I am starved for female companionship, emotionally and physically.

Do you think there should be a "cooling off" period before I start dating again? I didn't date much before I married and am probably very rusty at it.

Second question: I wear a very high-quality hairpiece. At what time in our relationship should I tell the other person about it? Sign me ... RUSTY

DEAR RUSTY: Since you are "starved" for female companionship, I think it would be wise if you "cooled off" before dating again.

About your hairpiece: The proper time to tell "the other person" about it would be when she starts running her fingers through your hair -- or when you are about to share the same pillow.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: When someone starts out saying, "It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing" -- it's usually the money.

DEAR ABBY: After a recent family gathering, several of us decided to visit the grave of a recently departed loved one. As we gathered our coats, a 3-year-old in the group asked where we were going. She was told, "To visit Aunt Lola."

"Where?" she asked. The answer was, "Heaven."

When we arrived at the cemetery, a relative pointed to the grave and told the child, "This is heaven, and this is where Aunt Lola lives." The child became noticeably upset and could not understand why her favorite aunt was living underground. Then she was told to blow kisses to the grave and became nearly hysterical.

When I later saw the child's mother, I asked if she knew what the other relatives had told her daughter about having gone to "heaven" to visit Aunt Lola. The mother said that was what she wanted her daughter told, and she was telling her the same thing!

Abby, I have taken several child psychology classes and have read a great deal on the topic. I've always been under the impression that children should never be told that a deceased person has "gone to heaven" because the child will then believe that heaven is a place they can visit, and that the deceased person may be coming back.

When I explained this to my relatives, they said I was being ridiculous because she was only 3 and would not remember any of this. Abby, I think she will remember. These relatives are well-educated, not ignorant. What is your opinion? -- RIDICULED RELATIVE IN RICHMOND, VA.

DEAR RELATIVE: Experts agree that when talking to children about death, the language should be simple and honest. Euphemisms, such as telling a child a dead person is "asleep" or "in heaven," only increase confusion and fear. The discussion should be kept on an appropriate level for the child's age. Their natural questions will guide you -- nothing should be overexplained.

Children grieve just as adults do. They should be assured that it is all right to express their feelings. When children lose someone with whom they have been extremely close, grief counseling may be in order.

DEAR ABBY: I am a recent widow. My wonderful husband died eight months ago following a debilitating illness of three years duration. We were completely faithful and devoted to each other throughout our marriage.

I have been asked out by several men whom I refused because I thought it was too soon after my husband's death. (Also, I had no interest in these men.)

I now find myself attracted to a widower who belongs to a group I belong to. If he asks me out, what is the respectable amount of time to wait before I accept a date? (I am feeling guilty just thinking about it.)

I would be embarrassed to be called on by a man (my neighbors might observe this) or be seen in public by friends on a date with a man. I value your advice. -- RECENTLY WIDOWED

DEAR RECENTLY WIDOWED: There is no longer a specific period of mourning. If he asks you out tomorrow, don't hesitate to accept. Good friends and neighbors who care about you will be happy to see you enjoy yourself after all you've been through.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been friends with a certain gentleman for 45 years. I'll call him "Paul." I had been very friendly with his wife, who passed away eight years ago. She was a good-hearted soul and I thanked her for everything she ever did for me -- or gave me. There was only one problem. She never stopped reminding me of what she had given me.

Now Paul is doing the same thing! Six years ago, he gave me a basket of artificial flowers for Easter and told me he had paid $35 for it. Every time he saw me after that, he asked me if I was enjoying the flowers that he paid $35 for.

Paul also sent me a Christmas card that played "Silent Night" when you opened it. Abby, would you believe that in July he asked me if the Christmas card he gave me was still playing "Silent Night"?

Abby, what on earth is this man's problem? -- HAD IT IN CARLSBAD, N.M.

DEAR HAD IT: It's anybody's guess. Perhaps he doesn't want you to forget the amount of money and effort he's invested in your friendship. At least you'll never have to worry about Paul's memory. He can remind the elephants.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a recovering alcoholic who loves to entertain. The letter from the woman in Tucson who abstains from coffee, tea and alcohol for religious reasons struck a chord with me. Like her, I'm comfortable dining out with people who order drinks, but shopping for liquor or keeping it around the house would present too great a temptation. I've found a couple of solutions.

One is to invite people for brunch instead of dinner. When offered an assortment of herb teas or fruit juices, no one clamors for a Bloody Mary. Another is to let guests bring whatever they want to drink. Here in the Midwest, no one accepts a dinner invitation without asking, "What can I bring?" I reply, "If you'd like wine or beer, bring it along." Then I make sure they take home the leftovers.

In the winter, I've found that hot cider or hot chocolate is always welcomed; freshly squeezed lemonade draws raves in the summer.

If friends can't enjoy a few hours with you without drinking, they need to take a long, hard look at their own alcohol use. I know -- I've been there!

I didn't think I could have a social life in sobriety, but I was wrong. Now I enjoy the parties I give much more, and I don't have to face the cleanup while coping with a hangover.

Since I'm in AA, just sign me ... SUE IN WISCONSIN

DEAR SUE: Congratulations on your sobriety, and thanks for a helpful letter.

DEAR ABBY: Tell "Frustrated in New Jersey" that she shouldn't have to "swallow" anything.

Here's how I handled the bridesmaid thing with a bride-to-be who gave the ring back to her fiance three times.

With these bad vibes in mind, I asked the bride to sign an agreement, with a post-dated (the date of the wedding) check so if the wedding didn't take place, I could cash the check (for the dress only -- $180) and she would get the dress. She agreed.

Yes, she did marry the groom and I returned her check.

I did this because I already own two dresses, two purses and two pairs of shoes (never worn) costing a grand total of $530.

This time, I covered my bases. -- TAMPA BRIDESMAID

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)