DEAR ABBY: After a recent family gathering, several of us decided to visit the grave of a recently departed loved one. As we gathered our coats, a 3-year-old in the group asked where we were going. She was told, "To visit Aunt Lola."

"Where?" she asked. The answer was, "Heaven."

When we arrived at the cemetery, a relative pointed to the grave and told the child, "This is heaven, and this is where Aunt Lola lives." The child became noticeably upset and could not understand why her favorite aunt was living underground. Then she was told to blow kisses to the grave and became nearly hysterical.

When I later saw the child's mother, I asked if she knew what the other relatives had told her daughter about having gone to "heaven" to visit Aunt Lola. The mother said that was what she wanted her daughter told, and she was telling her the same thing!

Abby, I have taken several child psychology classes and have read a great deal on the topic. I've always been under the impression that children should never be told that a deceased person has "gone to heaven" because the child will then believe that heaven is a place they can visit, and that the deceased person may be coming back.

When I explained this to my relatives, they said I was being ridiculous because she was only 3 and would not remember any of this. Abby, I think she will remember. These relatives are well-educated, not ignorant. What is your opinion? -- RIDICULED RELATIVE IN RICHMOND, VA.

DEAR RELATIVE: Experts agree that when talking to children about death, the language should be simple and honest. Euphemisms, such as telling a child a dead person is "asleep" or "in heaven," only increase confusion and fear. The discussion should be kept on an appropriate level for the child's age. Their natural questions will guide you -- nothing should be overexplained.

Children grieve just as adults do. They should be assured that it is all right to express their feelings. When children lose someone with whom they have been extremely close, grief counseling may be in order.

DEAR ABBY: I am a recent widow. My wonderful husband died eight months ago following a debilitating illness of three years duration. We were completely faithful and devoted to each other throughout our marriage.

I have been asked out by several men whom I refused because I thought it was too soon after my husband's death. (Also, I had no interest in these men.)

I now find myself attracted to a widower who belongs to a group I belong to. If he asks me out, what is the respectable amount of time to wait before I accept a date? (I am feeling guilty just thinking about it.)

I would be embarrassed to be called on by a man (my neighbors might observe this) or be seen in public by friends on a date with a man. I value your advice. -- RECENTLY WIDOWED

DEAR RECENTLY WIDOWED: There is no longer a specific period of mourning. If he asks you out tomorrow, don't hesitate to accept. Good friends and neighbors who care about you will be happy to see you enjoy yourself after all you've been through.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been friends with a certain gentleman for 45 years. I'll call him "Paul." I had been very friendly with his wife, who passed away eight years ago. She was a good-hearted soul and I thanked her for everything she ever did for me -- or gave me. There was only one problem. She never stopped reminding me of what she had given me.

Now Paul is doing the same thing! Six years ago, he gave me a basket of artificial flowers for Easter and told me he had paid $35 for it. Every time he saw me after that, he asked me if I was enjoying the flowers that he paid $35 for.

Paul also sent me a Christmas card that played "Silent Night" when you opened it. Abby, would you believe that in July he asked me if the Christmas card he gave me was still playing "Silent Night"?

Abby, what on earth is this man's problem? -- HAD IT IN CARLSBAD, N.M.

DEAR HAD IT: It's anybody's guess. Perhaps he doesn't want you to forget the amount of money and effort he's invested in your friendship. At least you'll never have to worry about Paul's memory. He can remind the elephants.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a recovering alcoholic who loves to entertain. The letter from the woman in Tucson who abstains from coffee, tea and alcohol for religious reasons struck a chord with me. Like her, I'm comfortable dining out with people who order drinks, but shopping for liquor or keeping it around the house would present too great a temptation. I've found a couple of solutions.

One is to invite people for brunch instead of dinner. When offered an assortment of herb teas or fruit juices, no one clamors for a Bloody Mary. Another is to let guests bring whatever they want to drink. Here in the Midwest, no one accepts a dinner invitation without asking, "What can I bring?" I reply, "If you'd like wine or beer, bring it along." Then I make sure they take home the leftovers.

In the winter, I've found that hot cider or hot chocolate is always welcomed; freshly squeezed lemonade draws raves in the summer.

If friends can't enjoy a few hours with you without drinking, they need to take a long, hard look at their own alcohol use. I know -- I've been there!

I didn't think I could have a social life in sobriety, but I was wrong. Now I enjoy the parties I give much more, and I don't have to face the cleanup while coping with a hangover.

Since I'm in AA, just sign me ... SUE IN WISCONSIN

DEAR SUE: Congratulations on your sobriety, and thanks for a helpful letter.

DEAR ABBY: Tell "Frustrated in New Jersey" that she shouldn't have to "swallow" anything.

Here's how I handled the bridesmaid thing with a bride-to-be who gave the ring back to her fiance three times.

With these bad vibes in mind, I asked the bride to sign an agreement, with a post-dated (the date of the wedding) check so if the wedding didn't take place, I could cash the check (for the dress only -- $180) and she would get the dress. She agreed.

Yes, she did marry the groom and I returned her check.

I did this because I already own two dresses, two purses and two pairs of shoes (never worn) costing a grand total of $530.

This time, I covered my bases. -- TAMPA BRIDESMAID

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I was surprised when it was announced in my church newsletter recently that an event was to conclude with the release of hundreds of balloons into the sky. It took some doing to explain that what goes into the sky eventually comes back down to earth.

I'm not an active environmentalist, but I have been involved with my daughters' Girl Scout troops for 10 years. We teach the girls to recycle, conserve and take care of Mother Earth.

Balloons released into the air often travel many miles before returning to earth, and their effect on wildlife can be deadly. Animals eat the balloons, which cause intestinal blockage and eventual starvation. They also get tangled up in the strings and, unable to free themselves, die a slow and painful death because they can't reach food or water. Also, balloons are not biodegradable. Those colored bits of shriveled plastic you see littering the beaches are going to be there for a long time, if they don't get caught in some fish's throat first.

I read in my local newspaper that some states -- New York, Connecticut, Florida, Louisiana, Tennessee, New Jersey Kentucky, Virginia and California -- have enacted laws specifically to curb or eliminate the release of balloons.

Abby, if you print my letter, you will be educating many readers who do not realize the potential harm they are causing when they release those pretty balloons. It would be so much better to keep them, and deliver them to a nursing home instead. -- FRIEND OF THE ENVIRONMENT, BURNSVILLE, MINN.

DEAR FRIEND: I'm delighted to help you spread the word to my many readers who are committed to preserving our environment. We all should be.

DEAR ABBY: I am a semiprofessional photographer. I charge for some of my work, but most of it is done for fun.

Recently I attended the wedding reception of some close friends, and I shot four rolls of film (about 100 photos) at the event. I had the film processed and printed, and I printed labels for the backs of the pictures giving the date and names of those in the photos. I put them in a wedding album and gave it to the bride and groom as a wedding gift.

A friend of theirs invited me to her wedding reception. It was unspoken, but understood, that I would take pictures there. I paid for four rolls of film. However, since the bride works for a photo lab, I thought she could get the film processed and printed free (or at a discount), so I simply gave her the rolls of film.

She had assumed that I would pay for processing the film, and now she's upset with me. I think she was expecting too much for nothing and should have been happy to pay for her own developing costs. Am I wrong? -- OHIO PHOTOGRAPHER

DEAR OHIO PHOTOGRAPHER: Unspoken messages are frequently misunderstood. Without words to clarify the details, how could either of you know what the other expected or assumed? In the future, reach an agreement (in writing) before committing to any photography assignments -- even with friends.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)