DEAR ABBY: This is in response to "Wants Out in Westminster, Calif." She's the nurse with three children whose husband is self-centered and verbally abusive toward her and their children, and she is afraid that a messy divorce will scar her kids emotionally.

Abby, I, too, came from a house in which there was constant verbal abuse. Although my father physically abused my mother, his verbal abuse toward all of us did the most damage. I grew up in constant fear that I would be insulted, degraded or embarrassed. The unspoken family rule was: Don't get Dad mad -- which was virtually impossible because what would upset him changed on a daily basis.

Mom believed that a bad father was better than no father. She was wrong. I longed to be part of a "normal" loving family, and vividly remember fantasizing about what life would be like without Dad.

I grew up not trusting or liking myself, nor did I trust anyone else because those who were supposed to care for and love me let me down.

It took much time and effort in the Adult Children of Alcoholics 12-step recovery group for me to feel whole again. Abby, that program was a miracle for me.

My advice to "Wants Out" is to get out now! You are letting your children down by not providing them with a nurturing, peaceful happy home. By not leaving, you may be causing more emotional harm than you know. -- HAPPY NOW IN TAMPA, FLA.

DEAR HAPPY NOW: Excellent advice. This support group deserves high praise. If you don't find it in the Yellow Pages, write to: Adult Children of Alcoholics World Service Organization, P.O. Box 3216, Torrance, Calif. 90510. Please enclose a business-size, stamped, self-addressed envelope.

DEAR ABBY: Is it possible for a 61-year-old woman and a 39-year-old man to make a couple? We have a lot in common and can sit for three or four hours at a time just talking. We really have fun together.

We have known each other for a year and a half, and I feel as though I have known him all my life, but Abby, the future worries me. -- NEEDS TO KNOW

DEAR NEEDS: If you two have fun together just talking for three or four hours, you ARE a couple. Count your blessings, not your years, and enjoy your relationship. God bless and good luck.

DEAR ABBY: My sister, Laurie, and her husband, Ralph, have a little ritual they go through with their kids when one of their pet goldfish dies.

The whole family gathers in the bathroom and around the commode. Little Anthony, the 3-year-old, holds the "deceased" while my sister says a little prayer. Then Anthony drops the fish in the bowl and Lexy, the 5-year-old, flushes it to heaven.

One day, during one of these rituals, Lexy asked her dad if "Wito," her Grandpa who passed away a few years ago, was also in heaven. When Ralph said, 'Yes," the 3-year-old asked, "Who flushed him?"

No one could keep a straight face after that. -- KIM IN SATELLITE BEACH, FLA.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am 23 years old and my boyfriend is 26. We are currently living in different states due to my job commitment and are maintaining our relationship via long-distance.

The other night "Clyde" called and, in the course of our conversation, mentioned that his ex-girlfriend had been in town and that she had called him. She asked him out to a movie, he accepted; they went out that evening. End of story.

He said he was telling me about this innocent date because he didn't want there to be any secrets between us. I believe that was truly his motivation for telling me, but I still think he should have let the incident go unmentioned. He is being painfully honest, and the pain is all mine. If I had a platonic date with a male friend, I would not mention it to Clyde because I think he would worry unnecessarily.

Am I off base here or is there a limit to how much unsolicited info should be shared? -- T.L.C. IN LOS ANGELES

DEAR T.L.C.: You are definitely "off base." Had Clyde not mentioned the fact that he had gone to a movie with another girl and you later heard it from someone who had seen them, you would probably wonder why he hadn't mentioned it.

DEAR ABBY: Regarding the letter from the Canadian reader whose husband is in prison: She was concerned about what to tell her children. You advised her to tell them the truth.

Your advice was right on the mark, Abby. My husband is in prison, and we have a 4-year-old and a 5-year-old. Although they are very young, my husband and I decided to tell them as much of the truth as they could understand.

It took a lot of courage to tell them, and I cried a lot about it, but you know what -- that was OK. It let the children know how I felt about it, and it also let them know it was OK for them to be upset, too. Now they know that people make mistakes -- even parents -- and life can go on afterward. Another message this sent to our children was that people still love you when things don't turn out as you expected.

It is so important to be honest, and if you don't know something or don't understand something, let the children know that, too.

Kids need to be taught that it takes a stronger person to tell the truth than to hide behind a lie. -- ANOTHER INMATE'S WIFE

DEAR WIFE: I appreciate your sensible attitude. I am sure that many readers whose spouses are in prison will appreciate it, too.

DEAR ABBY: Last week my husband and 8-year-old son were practicing baseball in a school yard when a man approached them and began sharing tips on how to play first base. After a while, my husband recognized this special man as Rod Carew.

Mr. Carew is truly an inspiration to us all, being able to give to others after losing his beautiful daughter, Michelle. -- SUE SHOTWELL, ANAHEIM HILLS, CALIF.

P.S. Mr. Carew autographed a baseball for our family, which is a precious keepsake, especially for my older son, who attended high school with Michelle.

Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: If you give a birthday gift to a friend, isn't it proper for the friend to remember you with a gift on your birthday? I thought that was how it worked.

I always try to give my friends gifts for their birthdays. However, my birthday was a week ago and not one of the six good friends to whom I gave gifts gave me one. One gave me a card, another made cupcakes to share with everyone at lunch, and another friend decorated my locker. (I'm a high school student.) The other three did nothing.

Perhaps this is just my opinion, but I don't consider a card a gift. To me a gift is something material that someone has put some effort into making or buying -- not something that was put together at the last minute. The cupcakes and decorated locker were very nice and I appreciated them, but after having given them real gifts for their birthdays, I was disappointed not to receive any. I'm sure it wasn't a matter of money for any of them.

I don't intend to say anything to them about it, but when their birthdays come around again, should I still give them gifts, or should I just wish them happy birthday with a card?

I love to give gifts, but I find it offensive when people don't treat me the same way I treat them. -- DISAPPOINTED BIRTHDAY GIRL

DEAR DISAPPOINTED: A real gift (in my opinion) is something given from the heart in the spirit of generosity, with no thought of receiving anything in return.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 53-year-old widow with four grown children who are not financially well-off. My deceased husband left me fairly well-fixed financially. I have several bank accounts that I share jointly with my 28-year-old son. The house is in my name alone.

I met a very attractive man. He recently moved in with me and we're talking marriage. He is twice-divorced and claims he doesn't have much -- just an old car and some furniture he has in storage. We have a small joint bank account.

Abby, do you think it would be wise for me to get a prenuptial agreement? -- UNCERTAIN IN UTAH

DEAR UNCERTAIN: A prenuptial agreement is a sound idea. And you would be wise to have a lawyer draw it up. Put everything in writing before you tie the knot. Good luck and best wishes.

DEAR ABBY: Count me among those who are disturbed when I pull back the covers on a motel or hotel bed and it becomes completely unmade.

I'm a traveling technician who's often on the road several nights a week. It seems to me that managers and owners should occasionally spend the night in randomly chosen rooms at their own inns. If they did, perhaps we travelers wouldn't have to suffer with lightbulbs so dim we have to turn on every light in the room. (One good bulb would have done the trick.) And perhaps we wouldn't have to endure heating and air-conditioning systems that swing back and forth between too hot and too cold. If they slept on some of those hard beds, they would know how uncomfortable a poor mattress can be.

These irritations occur in luxury hotels as well as budget accommodations.

Please tell Ruth Anne Young, who complained about the way beds are made in hotels, that she isn't "daft" for being irritated. I, too, am irritated. -- BILL EHRKE, SERVICE MANAGER, DALLAS

Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)