DEAR ABBY: Hats off to you! Because you reminded your readers about the importance of spaying or neutering their pets, thousands of calls from pet owners all over the United States were made to our SPAY/USA hotline number.

Abby, will you please inform your readers about an event that we have conceived and developed that is truly history-making? On May 4 and 5, more than 700 shelters throughout the United States, Canada, England and India will be united for "Pet Adoptathon '96." The participating shelters will remain open for 36 hours straight with the hope of finding a quality home for each and every dog, cat, puppy and kitten in their care.

Just think -- with the help of your readers, thousands of "little guys" all over the world could be safe and sound in adoptive homes by the end of Adoptathon weekend!

Please ask all animal lovers to open their hearts and homes on May 4 and 5. Go to your nearest Pet Adoptathon '96 shelter, pick out a faithful lifetime companion, and enjoy the unconditional love that only a pet can give. For the name of the nearest Adoptathon shelter, call the toll-free hotline number: 1-800-863-4267.

On behalf of all our furry friends, we thank you! -- MIKE ARMS, NORTH SHORE ANIMAL LEAGUE, PORT WASHINGTON, N.Y.

DEAR MIKE ARMS: I'm delighted to help in this noble effort. I can already hear the "meows" and "bowwows" in Southern California.

DEAR ABBY: Our family was invited to my brother-in-law's wedding. The invitation said "Adults only" and noted that a baby sitter would be provided at the house. Nice try, but no go. Look at it from my side: I'm to drive to a strange state, a strange city, a strange house, leave my 2-year-old with a stranger, and then off for six hours and have fun? Fat chance! I'd worry and so would my child. Furthermore, a kid is not a pork chop or a dog; you can't freeze it or tie it up in the back yard.

Our options were: I stay with my child and my wife attends the wedding and reception alone, or we disobey the rules and bring our kid, or we don't go. Period. However we do it, the hosts are not going to be pleased, but that's life.

We attended the wedding as a family. I brought books and toys, parked in a corner of the reception hall, took my kid to wrestle on the lawn and explore the country club. Then I read to him. Afterward, I apologized to the hosts, who were very gracious.

But what disturbs me is how brides lose track of what their wedding is all about. Because they're spending $25,000, they plan a major Hollywood production or a Disneyland extravaganza. They want to direct and make everything perfect. It's not going to happen.

A wedding is nothing but a fancy party, a celebration bringing families and friends together. Uncle Albert is just as likely to get drunk and paw the women, or Cousin Bruce to start a fight, or Jeannie to flirt with the groom as my kid is to spill his punch. You might as well note on the invitation: "No drunks, punks, flirts or smokers." If a bride wants a flawless affair, she should hire a producer, choreographer, and actors to stand in as family, and then mail videos to "invited guests."

Five years from now, when these brides have their own toddlers, they'll receive an invitation to a wedding with a P.S.: "No kids allowed." Then they will understand that every hurt comes home. -- A FAMILY MAN IN BANGOR, MAINE.

DEAR FAMILY MAN: Although you make a strong statement supporting kids at weddings, the fact remains that you brought an uninvited guest -- a 2-year-old who is not responsible for his behavior -- over the objection of your hosts. You should have declined the invitation, or your wife should have attended alone.

DEAR ABBY: I have a cat named Abby. She is an Abyssinian. Some days she's "Dear Abby," and some days she's "Abbie Hoffman"! -- HELEN LEE, R.N.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Please print this letter from someone who is tired of getting solicited for donations, especially those that specify how much one should give.

I live on a fixed income that barely pays for rent and food, not to mention my insurance and other obligations. I tithe at church and give to food projects and kitchen funds, so it's not as though I am stingy.

I have had requests to donate to several different causes and have been criticized when I do not respond. They have no way of knowing what my money situation is, so why can't they just accept whatever I offer and quit dunning me?

Abby, I'm doing well to support myself at age 78 without burdening my family.

I resent being made to feel guilty when I can't send money for cards and address stickers I did not order. I live in a senior citizens lodge, and most of the tenants feel the way I do, so please speak out for us. Thanks for letting me sound off. -- JANE W. IN BERKELEY, CALIF.

DEAR JANE: People are not obligated to pay for anything they did not order -- this includes stickers with your name and address printed on them. By the way, you are not obligated to return them either. Please share this information with your friends at the lodge.

DEAR ABBY: In a recent column, you published a letter from a woman whose sister died at 57. Wayne, her husband of more than 30 years, subsequently remarried.

She said she had recently introduced them as her brother-in-law and his wife, Jo Ann. Twice Jo Ann corrected her publicly, saying, "He WAS your brother-in-law," stressing the "was."

She said that in her opinion Wayne would always be her brother-in-law.

Abby, according to the IRS, the following relationships that are established by marriage are not ended by death or divorce:

"Your child, grandchild, great-grandchild (a legally adopted child is considered your child).

"Your stepchild.

"Your brother, sister, half-brother, half-sister, stepbrother or stepsister.

"Your parent, grandparent, or other direct ancestor, but not foster parent.

"Your stepfather or stepmother, your uncle or aunt, a niece or nephew, your father-in-law, mother-in-law, son-in-law, daughter-in-law, sister-in-law or brother-in-law." -- OSCAR G. PRICE JR., A GRATEFUL ENROLLED AGENT FAN, BIRMINGHAM, ALA.

DEAR MR. PRICE: Thank you for pointing this out. Who says tax men don't have a heart?

DEAR ABBY: Please get this message out to the media, authors and sign painters. Numbers are not possessive or contractions; they do not require an apostrophe.

Abby, I see this error -- "20's," "50's," "80's" -- on television, in the newspapers, on billboards and on signs. Aren't these numbers properly written 20s, 50s, 80s? Or am I incorrect? -- CAROLYN FRINGS, RETIRED SECRETARY

DEAR CAROLYN: You are correct, but there is one case in which an apostrophe should be used: when indicating the contraction of a year. For example, when referring to 1996, it may be written: He starred in two plays in '96. (Note the apostrophe is in front of the numbers.) Or for a decade: She published four best-sellers in the '80s.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: While I was going through some old papers, I came across a letter you wrote to me in 1984. At the time, I was 16 and suffering from the effects of several years of sexual abuse by my stepfather. I was suicidal and in one of the darkest places in hell. You gave me sound advice: "Confide in a trusted adult and call the Child Abuse Hotline."

I can't recall if I ever thanked you, Abby, so I'm thanking you now for sending a ray of hope into my prison of pain and confusion.

I did get help and learned that there are more good, caring people in the world than villains.

I'm now working on my master's degree in teaching. I work with homeless and abused children. My career goal is to be an international English teacher in Asia or Africa.

I dream of becoming an advocate for abused children because there are many in situations far worse than mine when I sought your help.

Although I wish I had never been abused, I have emerged stronger, more self-confident and more motivated than I might have been had my childhood been easier.

Many people have helped me. Although I can't repay them individually, I can do my best to pass on the love and care I received.

Thanks again for caring, Abby. Many of us need guidance when we're stumbling in the dark. Sign me ... HEALED IN BAINBRIDGE ISLAND, WASH.

DEAR HEALED: No need to thank me -- that's what I'm here for.

Victims of child abuse should know that help is available and where to find it. The first step is to call the Child Abuse Hotline: (800) 422-4453. (The hotline is a program of Childhelp USA and is sponsored by IOF Foresters.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 33-year-old woman married to a man 15 years my senior. I have never been happier than I am in this marriage. Alec and I were both married before. He has three grown children, and I love them very much.

Two of his children are married and have their own problems. Now for our problem: One (whom I'll call Sonny) lives with us. He is 25 years old and very lazy. He refuses to do anything around the house to help, including cleaning his room, bathroom, or even picking up after himself. He can't hold a job. Every time he finds one, he quits. He parties all night and sits around all day watching television while everyone else is at work.

My husband agrees that Sonny is lazy, but says there is nothing he can do about it. I'm at the end of my rope. I love my husband very much, but Sonny has become a big problem in our marriage. Your thoughts, please. -- FRUSTRATED

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Sonny is clearly taking advantage of you both, but nothing will change until his father puts his foot down and quits being a softy. As long as he's allowed to, Sonny will stay home and watch television all day. Your husband is doing his son no favor by tolerating his shiftless behavior.

It's high time Sonny got a job and found a place of his own. Tell Alec for Sonny's sake that he should hang tough.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)