DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married 23 years. He's 44 and I'm 43. We have a mortgage, several bills, no happiness, no kids. We have one dog whom he treats and talks to like a child, which embarrasses me.

Our marriage is a sham. We do what's necessary to make it look good when we're out, but we're both miserable. We have nothing in common. We tolerate each other. Needless to say, I no longer love him.

He's had several affairs. I confronted him about some of them; however, I said nothing to him about others.

I left him once. He promised if I would come back, he would never have another affair, and he bought me a car and took me on a cruise.

The next time I caught him, I left and threatened to get a divorce if he didn't buy me a house. We were living with his parents, whom I dislike, and all my friends owned homes. He bought a house, and I came back. Big mistake.

Our sex life is awful. When he can perform, I can't stand him touching me. The only way I can get through it is to fantasize about other men.

I have also had affairs. He knows, and I don't care. We take separate vacations every year, and I go away as often as I can. I almost always have a fling while I'm away.

My husband is arrogant, egotistical and not very well liked. The wall that separates us is getting higher. I want out of this sham of a marriage, but he won't consider divorce. To him, it's a "failing" -- he uses the excuse that people never get on their feet after divorce. I suspect he'd rather go on acting than face the fact that he's not confident that he can make it alone. We could split everything down the middle, and he can even have the damn dog.

Abby, I just can't picture us growing old together. I don't WANT to grow old with him. Twenty-three years is enough -- too much.

I don't want a scene. What should I do? -- WANTS OUT IN WESTMINSTER, CALIF.

DEAR WANTS OUT: Resign yourself to the fact that there probably will be a "scene" -- if only because your husband would prefer a loveless marriage to the financial fallout from a divorce.

His "permission" is not necessary, so since you want a divorce, stop playing "Let's Make a Deal" and talk to a lawyer.

DEAR ABBY: I found a cute story in The Montrose Daily Press:

It was a perfect day, and four students decided to cut classes. Reporting to school later that afternoon, they told their teacher they had a flat tire. To their relief, the teacher smiled and told them to take their seats.

"You missed a test this morning, and I would like you to take it now," the teacher announced. "No discussion allowed among you. Now write the answer to this question: 'Which tire was flat?'" -- BESSIE MAE, NUCLA, COLO.

DEAR BESSIE MAE: Not only was it a "cute" one, it was a new one.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter, who is 15, went to a slumber party last weekend. She told me that it was a normal all-girls slumber party -- they talked, ate, played games, watched videos and finally slept -- except they spent the entire evening totally nude. There were no men in the house, just the eight girls and the host girl's mother, who approved of it. My daughter was so thrilled about it and the girls are talking about the next one.

Have you ever heard of totally nude slumber parties? Or is this some new trend? I'm not comfortable with the idea; however, I feel as long as there is no booze, drugs or sex, I can't come up with a compelling reason to say no. Any thoughts? -- PERPLEXED MOM IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR PERPLEXED MOM: I have never heard of nudity as a theme for a high school slumber party, so your letter is a first.

Level with your daughter. Tell her that you were not raised in an atmosphere that condoned casual nudity -- and you are uncomfortable with the idea of her attending nude slumber parties. Period.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: This is an important issue that needs to be addressed, and I can't think of a better place than in your column. It concerns jury duty.

It seems that too many good citizens find a way to get out of jury duty. The fact is, they cannot afford to be on a jury. I know I can't. I'm a single parent with three children. Unfortunately, their father is a deadbeat dad.

I have a fairly good job, but if I don't work, I don't get paid. Most of my friends are in the same situation. The companies they work for do not pay employees when they are absent for jury duty.

Abby, the jury system is so outdated it is pathetic. By paying little more than pocket change, the courts automatically exclude a large number of the population. I would really like to serve on a jury, but if it means I won't be able to pay the rent, I must decline.

Sorry, I must remain ... ANONYMOUS IN LONG BEACH, CALIF.

DEAR ANONYMOUS: I hear you loud and clear. You are right on target. The idea of having professional jurors has been discussed in the media lately. I understand that some countries already have them. Readers, I welcome your input.

DEAR ABBY: A recent letter in your column about what and what not to say to someone who has suffered the loss of a loved one has finally prompted me to write to you.

My mom died of lung cancer two years ago, and on more than one occasion, after learning that lung cancer was the cause of death, people would ask me if she had been a smoker.

Abby, please tell your readers not to ask that question. True, they can THINK it -- or ask someone else -- but don't ask the grieving family members. It makes it sound like her death was justified.

Our family realized what cigarettes were doing to her, but it didn't change her suffering, or how we felt about her.

By the way, she had quit smoking more than a year before her lung cancer was discovered. But by then, her body had been much too badly damaged to recover. You may use my name. -- PATTY HULL, ANDOVER, MINN.

DEAR PATTY: My condolences on the loss of your beloved mother. I am ashamed to admit it, but in the past, when I learned that someone had lung cancer, I would also ask, "Was he (or she) a smoker?"

Never again will I ask that question. Thank you, Patty. You taught me something today.

DEAR ABBY: My marriage was the result of a letter-writing campaign linking civilians and service people, much like your Operation Dear Abby. Perhaps learning of our good fortune may encourage other readers to continue participation in such programs.

To illustrate the importance of personal mail to servicepeople, may I recount an incident that happened when I was a regimental sergeant major of the 505th Parachute Infantry during the Battle of the Bulge?

We were fighting in difficult terrain and weather when the Christmas mail arrived. Short of transportation to get it to the 14 companies, we sent the following message: "We have mail and rations, but can send only one of them today. Which shall it be?"

Every unit replied, "Send the mail!" -- HOWARD P. MELVIN, REGT. SGT. MAJOR, WWII

READERS: To send mail to servicepeople stationed in Bosnia, address letters and parcels (preferably no larger than a shoebox) to: ANY SERVICE MEMBER, OPERATION JOINT ENDEAVOR, APO AE 09397 (for Army, Navy, Air Force and Marine Corps land forces); ANY SERVICE MEMBER, OPERATION JOINT ENDEAVOR, FPO AE 09398 (for Navy and Marine Corps personnel aboard ship).

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My mother and I have been reading your column for years and we value your opinion.

She and I were discussing a common courtesy. The example we used was saying "Good morning," or "How are you?" to everyone, including people you don't like.

Mother says she does this all the time -- it makes her feel good, and lets people know that she acknowledges their presence.

I say that although it makes her feel good, it is hypocritical to do so, as it gives the people she doesn't like the wrong impression and encourages continued conversation she may not want.

We would like your opinion. -- BETTY IN CARLSBAD, N.M.

DEAR BETTY: Saying "Good morning" or "Good afternoon" or "Good evening" is a gracious, friendly greeting. However, some people say, "How are you?" intending it as only a greeting, but it may be taken literally, and in return one may get a litany of symptoms. So it's safer to stick with "Good morning," "Good afternoon" and "Good evening."

DEAR ABBY: I'm 39, and have been divorced for two years after a 14-year childless marriage of misery. I live alone in a tiny trailer two doors up from my father's house. I own and manage a 200-acre farm, which is all that's left after a tedious five-year divorce settlement. My finances are horrendous, but I've managed without borrowing from my dad or any other family member.

My mother died when I was 14; I did all of the housework and helped with the younger siblings. I followed in my father's footsteps and majored in agriculture in college. We have always gotten along and I've always enjoyed spending time with Dad.

So why does my father continue to allow my ex-husband to live rent-free in his house ever since our separation and all through the long divorce? Abby, I'm within shouting distance and eating roadkill to stay financially viable. My ex went overseas for a while, but predictably, he lost his job and now he's right back at Dad's place -- even though he has family in another part of the state.

I just can't understand my father's behavior. What do you think of this, Abby? -- REALLY HURT IN SCRANTON, PA.

DEAR REALLY HURT: Under the circumstances, I think your father's behavior is weird. If you want to understand his motives, ask him.

DEAR ABBY: Our neighbors hire house sitters who slam doors, take the garbage out late at night, and party. They also use the Jacuzzi from midnight to 2 a.m., inviting guests to come sit with them and party with loud laughing and talking. (The Jacuzzi is next to our bedroom.)

We have no problems with these neighbors, but we immediately know when they leave town because that's when the partying begins.

How can we fix this problem? We'd rather hear dogs barking. At least dogs usually bark for a reason. These house sitters have absolutely no consideration for anyone but themselves, and my husband and I are fed up. Your advice would be greatly appreciated. -- HAD ENOUGH IN SEAL BEACH, CALIF.

DEAR HAD ENOUGH: Inform your neighbors about their house sitters' noisy partying in their absence. That way, your neighbors can lay down some ground rules the next time they plan a trip.

Also, ask them for a telephone number where they can be reached should their next house sitters create a disturbance.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)