DEAR ABBY: I was widowed two years ago, and for the first 10 months I cried a dozen times a day for the wonderful man who was taken from me. We would have been married 30 years that June.

Then I became involved with Parents Without Partners, joined its board of directors and became the newsletter editor. I also joined a women's friendship group and put out the newsletter for them. Before that, I volunteered at a local hospital for a year and a half, but I had to quit that because of my full schedule.

In addition to numerous other activities, I finally got my driver's license at age 54. My husband used to drive me wherever I had to go. After he passed away, I found out how much I had depended on him to get around. (In all my activities, I either had to impose on others to drive me around, take public transportation or give up going to events because it was night.) I don't feel 100 percent comfortable driving yet, but every day I do a little more and am beginning to get around more and more.

I'm writing this letter to advise your readers, both male and female, that while it's extremely hard to lose your mate, you can go on and survive and become a stronger person than you were before.

I still cry, and some days are bad (my husband's birthday is Dec. 31 -- so New Year's is a bad time), but on the whole I'm strong and I am sure my husband would be very proud of me. You may use my name. -- MARCIA LEWICKI, BROOKLYN, N.Y.

DEAR MARCIA: Congratulations for being resourceful, and for rebounding from tragedy by volunteering your time, learning new things, and putting yourself in a position to meet new people. I'm printing your letter as a road map for other "lost souls" who might need one.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a woman for the past three years and have never felt this strongly about a person in my life. She's 51 and I am 65. I can't figure her out.

I see her only at her convenience and have yet to meet any of her family or friends. She says that ours is the best relationship she has ever had, that I'm the "complete package," she loves me very much, and there is no one else. She has a summer place in my area, and when she's there she invites her family and friends, but I have never been included.

When I confront her about this, she says, "I prefer to keep my private life and family life separate."

I am very family-oriented and include her in all my family functions, which she says she enjoys. We have broken up several times over this. Abby, I dislike being a part-time lover, and it is driving me nuts.

Should I stop seeing her, or give her an ultimatum? -- PART-TIME LOVER IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR PART-TIME LOVER: The woman's behavior is insulting, and if you have broken up over it in the past, then she is doing it deliberately -- without regard for your feelings. Giving her an ultimatum will probably result in your not seeing her again -- but do it. You have nothing to lose.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am very concerned about the letter signed "Wiser Now," regarding the use of fire extinguishers in the kitchen.

Just last week on our local television channel, the guest was a woman from the fire department. She stressed that one should not always use a fire extinguisher to put out a fire on one's kitchen stove. I had always thought the same as the lady who wrote to you. The fire department representative said that the force of the foam coming out of the nozzle can be so strong it simply blows the flames around the stove or curtains. She recommended using a lid -- or better yet, a cookie sheet -- to slide over the pan to smother the flames.

She also said never to use baking soda, because it can explode the flames. -- MRS. ORRIN T. WELLS, SAN MARCOS, CALIF.

DEAR MRS. WELLS: Julie Reynolds, director of public affairs for the National Fire Protection Association, confirmed that in the case of a pan fire, a fire extinguisher used too close to the pan could splatter the fire, spreading it further around the kitchen. The safer method is to smother the fire by carefully sliding a lid over the pan and then turning the burner off. Lifting the lid to see if the fire is out will allow oxygen to rekindle the flames. Also, it is very dangerous to attempt to carry a burning pan to the sink or outside. The flames could easily ignite clothing or other combustibles, causing dangerous burns and spreading the fire.

While baking soda may be used to extinguish flames, the National Fire Protection Association does not recommend it since it requires one to be near the flames. (In addition, if the wrong substance -- flour or baking powder -- is grabbed, it could create a larger and more dangerous blaze.)

For fires in other parts of the house, it is vital that you have the proper extinguisher for the type of fire you need to fight, and that you know how to operate it. If a fire is small and contained (such as fire in a wastebasket), using the proper fire extinguisher may be the best approach, but in some cases, it's wiser to leave the premises and call the fire department.

DEAR ABBY: I am 24 and my boyfriend, "Jerry," is 27. We have been dating almost a year.

Our relationship is terrific except for one problem. Jerry talks in his sleep and says the names of different women in a sexual way -- almost like he's having sex with them. Abby, I recognize a few of the names because he either works with them or we have mutual friends. I have asked Jerry about these women, and he swears he's not fantasizing about anyone or seeing anyone else. He doesn't remember dreaming about these women or calling out any names.

This is beginning to affect our relationship, Abby. I'm deeply hurt and confused, and I don't know what to do. Should I ignore it? -- ALLISON IN GALVESTON

DEAR ALLISON: It's not surprising that your boyfriend has no recollection of what he dreamed or that he talked in his sleep. Dreams are an activity of the unconscious mind, and just because someone dreams something does not mean he or she would actually do it. (I have heard from readers who dreamed of walking naked down Main Street or into a court of law -- something few would do in the cold light of day.)

Don't take your boyfriend's sleep-talking personally. If you cannot ignore it, try earplugs or separate bedrooms.

CONFIDENTIAL TO JEANNE, MY BEAUTIFUL FIRSTBORN OF WHOM I'M VERY PROUD: Happy birthday. You're loved.

For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I hope my letter will spare someone the sorrow of losing a little kitten.

During the night, my cat's three kittens climbed atop the tires of my car. As I approached the car, I noticed a pair of tiny paws on my left rear tire and moved the kitten to safety. Upon checking the other wheel wells, I found the two other kittens, each one on top of a tire. Unfortunately, while I was moving the others to safety, the first kitten returned, unseen by me, and resumed its perch. He's at the vet now, in very guarded condition, and may not make it.

I have seen numerous other kittens on top of tires since. It appears to be a common practice with kittens. They should be taught that cars are things to fear and avoid, no matter how inviting they may be. So, as cruel as it may seem, if the weather is warm, I hose down the wheel wells whenever I see a kitten there. If it's cold, I just fetch them out and keep my fingers crossed.

I've heard of grown cats climbing into motor compartments in the wintertime, but I've never heard or read about kittens resting on tires. I'd bet more kittens are killed this way than cats seeking warmth from a motor. Please say a word or two about it; it may spare a lot of grief. -- THE HON. H. HAYWOOD TURNER III, COLUMBUS, GA.

DEAR JUDGE TURNER: Thanks for the warning.

DEAR ABBY: I am disappointed with your response to a letter signed "Old-Fashioned Grandma."

I've been reading your column for years and usually your responses are pretty open-minded, but the fact that you agreed that adult nudity in the presence of young children was cause for concern shocked me.

A father showering with his 3-year-old daughter (as I do with my son) is completely natural and teaches children that the human body is nothing to hide. Keeping "boy stuff" and "girl stuff" separate at such a young age only instills sexual stereotypes and causes sexual hang-ups in adult life. There is nothing sexual or wrong in showering with a young child.

As for bathroom privacy, my children know that a closed door means "Mommy wants privacy" (or whoever is in there), but they often walk in when I leave the door open.

You should have told "Old-Fashioned" that "Jimmy" showering with Mommy (or "Jenny" with Daddy) is totally natural. Today's parents are trying to raise their children without the hang-ups that they have had to overcome from THEIR "old-fashioned" upbringing. -- DISAPPOINTED IN TORONTO, CANADA

DEAR DISAPPOINTED: The letters I received from readers show your attitude to be far more popular than mine -- especially with the parents who are currently raising children.

Ten whacks with a wet diaper for me!

DEAR ABBY: When I bought a new exercise bike recently, a friend asked me if she could have my old one. I gave it to her thinking she would use it.

After a short while, I found out that she had sold it. Am I wrong in thinking she should have asked me if I wanted it back? Or at least offered to split the money she got from selling it?

I'm really having a big argument about this with my husband. -- NO NAME, PLEASE

DEAR NO NAME: When you gave your friend the bike, it was hers to do whatever she chose to do with it. The money she received from the sale of the bike was also hers to do whatever she chose to do with it. Your husband is right.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)