DEAR ABBY: I have been reading your column for years. A letter in your column today really caught my eye. It reminded me of a conversation I had with one of my sisters years ago.

The letter was written by a woman who was irritated that her husband of 12 years still kept old letters from a former girlfriend.

My sister and I were looking through some old picture albums when she came across a picture of my husband and a pretty girl, taken before we were married. She looked puzzled and said: "How come he still has pictures of his old girlfriend? I sure wouldn't let my husband keep pictures of his old girlfriends!"

I replied: "Listen, I didn't find him under a cabbage leaf. He wasn't born the day before he married me. He had a life, and she was part of it. I also had a life before him and I have mementos of that life. Our experiences make us what we are, and any and all memories he chooses to preserve are fine with me.

"We have been married almost 40 years. He has stood by me during good times and bad, and has been a loyal and loving husband always. He's been a wonderful father to our daughter and a wonderful grandfather as well. And the best part of all is that he chose me to marry. So he can keep as many pictures, letters and souvenirs from his past as he cares to. I have HIM!" -- PAT IN ST. HELENS, ORE.

DEAR PAT: Wow! What a sensible attitude. My congratulations to both of you. You are lucky to have found each other.

DEAR ABBY: Concerning "Distraught Middle Child," whose sister and brother refused to attend her wedding if the other one was going to be there.

You were right on when you said it was unfair to have put her on the spot. However, Abby, I believe "Distraught" would find less grief with these petty people if she were to extend the invitation to both of them, and let them wrestle with the decision of whether or not to attend the sister's wedding.

By forcing them to make the decision, she is removing herself from their game. If she doesn't invite either one, they will undoubtedly haunt her with that for the rest of her life. -- SHARON L. RUDD, EUGENE, ORE.

DEAR SHARON: Your suggestion to invite both of them and let the brother and sister make the decision to attend the wedding or stay home was the intelligent way to handle it. Why didn't I think of that?

DEAR ABBY: Is it proper at bridal or baby showers to place a thank-you note at each luncheon plate instead of sending individual thank-you notes following the gift opening?

I should think if a person had cared enough to spend the time and money for a gift and attend the shower, a personal note of thanks (which would take five minutes at the most) and a 32-cent stamp aren't too much to expect.

Your opinion, please. -- MIFFED IN MICHIGAN

DEAR MIFFED: You are justified in feeling miffed. In my opinion, such blanket expressions of thanks are cheap and tacky.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband is having an affair. When I told him I knew about it, we had a big fight. They are still seeing each other every chance they get. She is married and has two kids. I know her name and I know where she works.

My husband was on vacation the week after Thanksgiving. He left the house at 7:30 a.m. on Wednesday to play golf (he said). I had a feeling something was fishy, so I followed him and saw them together.

I called his girlfriend's office and was told she wouldn't be in until 3 o'clock. They did the same thing on Thursday. He returned home later in the afternoon on both days.

He gets calls at night and on Saturdays. Right after the calls, he always leaves for a couple of hours.

If I answer the phone, the caller hangs up -- and my husband gets furious at me. (He won't let me answer the phone anymore.)

My questions are: Should I confront them together? Or should I just tell her husband? I can't spend the rest of my life like this. -- ANONYMOUS IN INDIANA

DEAR ANONYMOUS: Neither of the above. Since your husband knows that you are aware of what is going on and has made no effort to change his behavior, you must now decide whether you would be better off WITH or WITHOUT him.

DEAR ABBY: Our father died several years ago. Since that time, our mother remarried. After she remarried, she and her new husband decided that they wanted to be buried next to each other, which is not a problem.

What is a problem is this: My sister and I bought and paid for a double headstone for our parents. It was beautiful, with brass nameplates for each of them and a removable brass vase. Our mother and her new husband liked it so much that they decided to remove Dad's brass plate, moved the headstone to their plot and had her new husband's brass plate put on.

My sister and I are very upset about this, as we were the ones who picked the headstone for our parents, and we have asked our mother to at least replace the one that was taken. This has caused quite a family problem.

Should we have said nothing and just bought another headstone for our father's grave, or were we right to request that they do it? -- DISMAYED IN DETROIT

DEAR DISMAYED: For your mother and her new husband to have moved the headstone from your father's grave and left nothing in its place was presumptuous and insensitive. Since they didn't pay for it, they should either return or replace it. But if they are unwilling to do it, then you must. You have my sympathy on both the loss of your father and the actions of your mother.

DEAR ABBY: When I read the letter in your column on the subject of brides and grooms sharing the responsibility of writing the thank-you notes, I had a good chuckle remembering.

When our son married, they received many gifts. Our new daughter-in-law thought he should share the note-writing. He said he would do that if she would help him get started so he would know what to write.

His first note read: "Thank you for the bedspread. It is very nice and we can use it, as we have two bedrooms." She told him that sounded fine.

His next note read: "Thank you for the crockpot. It is very nice and we can use it, as we have two bedrooms." -- L.K. IN TEXAS

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I enjoyed the poem I'm sending you so much that I hope you will share it with your readers. -- SCHOOLTEACHER

DEAR SCHOOLTEACHER: I'm sure many of them will enjoy it. It reads like the lyrics to a rap song:

Hey, whatcha doing? Whaddaya say?

Do ya wanna read a good poem today?

Hey, gotta sec? C'mon! Let's see!

Our language is changing, you'll hafta agree.

Well, gimme a minute, and lemme just show:

There's a new coined spelling, doncha know?

It's a heckuva note; it's kinda sad,

'Cuz our sloppy talking has gotten this bad.

If you're like me, and you hate there to be

Words like ain't in our vocabulary;

Don't be surprised if we're soon gonna see

Sorta or coulda in the dictionary.

Yeah, merchants and stores are doing it, too;

Making things EZ and quik for you.

They'll offer mor-valu; we can sav-rite tonite;

But the spelling's not kool; it's outtasite!

It's "lots of" (not lotsa), and "going to" (not gonna),

And "got to" and "want to," (not gotta or wanna);

It's "extra" (not x-tra), and "light" (not lite).

And who sez it's OK to use shur or nite?

Comic book lingo; doesn't it getcha?

Annoy? Perplex? Confuse? You betcha!

A whole lotta words like thru and tho;

So why do we all do it?

I dunno!

-- GEORGE WILLINK, 1995

DEAR ABBY: I'm getting married in four months and was planning on having a "dollar dance" at my reception.

My soon-to-be father-in-law is totally against it. He says it's tacky, and he would be embarrassed in front of his millionaire friends.

I told him that I have had friends do this at their receptions, and nobody thought it was tacky.

Help, Abby. I don't know what to do. -- DANCE DILEMMA IN ST. PETERSBURG, FLA.

DEAR DILEMMA: Since your father-in-law-to-be has told you that he would be embarrassed, I suggest that you skip the "dollar dance." The few dollars it would bring in aren't worth risking your relationship with your future in-laws.

DEAR ABBY: Re "Wiser Now," who bought fire extinguishers as gifts for weddings, housewarmings and graduations, after she had a close call with a pot of burning rice on the stove:

That has been a two-decade tradition in our family. My late father came up with the idea as a "funny" but practical shower gift. Dad suggested that I combine the "wishing well gift" (a bottle of aspirin) and the fire extinguisher, with a note:

"The extinguisher is for the bride to put his fire out, and the aspirin is for the groom to get rid of her headache!"

In all the years I have attended bridal showers, this is one gift that has never been duplicated, or returned. -- D. REBECCA SHOEMAKER, BETHLEHEM, PA.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)