DEAR ABBY: My husband and I appreciated your column on what not to say to an infertile couple. We are a professional couple in our late 30s, and infertility has been a part of our lives for almost 10 years now. We've been to six fertility specialists and have endured many months of high-tech procedures.

We have decided now to detour from the medical route because of the cost and spent emotions. It's more devastating not to be pregnant after spending several hundreds of dollars. Our current doctor cannot detect a medical problem with either one of us. We have tried to adopt a few times, but it didn't work out.

The most difficult part of infertility is the deafening silence. Most of our friends and relatives have had children with no difficulty; consequently, they can't relate to infertility.

We no longer attend family reunions because it's too stressful. Relatives seem concerned only with how many children one has, and since we have none, we have nothing to talk about.

We have endured many insensitive comments over the years from intelligent, well-educated people. Abby, I'd like to add a few more things to your list of "The 10 Worst Things to Say to an Infertile Couple":

1. "Are you barren? Or is your husband shooting blanks?"

2. "When God closes a door, he opens a window."

3. "Your husband should try wearing boxer shorts."

4. "Try standing on your head for several minutes after lovemaking. They say gravity is the key to conceiving."

Sign me ... INCONCEIVABLE IN CINCINNATI

DEAR ABBY: I need your opinion on a family matter. Our family has always been close-knit.

My sister died at 57. "Wayne," her husband of more than 30 years, subsequently remarried.

Recently I introduced them as "my brother-in-law and his wife, Jo Ann."

Twice she has corrected me publicly, saying, "He WAS your brother-in-law."

Abby, in my opinion Wayne will be my brother-in-law always.

Of course, I could be more specific and introduce his wife as "his second wife, Jo Ann," but I hope she doesn't push me to that point. -- NAMELESS, OF COURSE

DEAR NAMELESS: A marriage is more than the joining of two individuals. In many cases it's also the joining of families. And the promise "Till death do us part" doesn't always end with the death of a spouse.

A frank talk with Wayne about how you feel might help. Also, ask him how HE wants to be introduced. Reacting with hostility to this petty, insecure woman will only escalate your problem.

DEAR ABBY: My brother recently passed away, leaving his widow financially comfortable. She didn't have many friends, so I tried to spend as much time with her as possible. We planned a trip together, and in order to get to the airport for an early morning departure, I invited her to spend the night at my house. I gave her my bedroom and slept on the couch in another room so she could have her privacy.

After the trip was over, I discovered that she had broken my favorite crystal figurine, without mentioning it to me. Also, an overnight bag was missing from my closet.

In the past, she has been known to remove photos from our family albums. Also, she was once fired from her job for stealing, but we all believed that she had been unjustly accused. (Now we have our doubts.)

I fear that confronting her will cause a rift in our families, as I am quite certain that her children and grandchildren are not aware of her light-fingered habits.

Abby, I am worried about her. How can I help her? -- NO NAME, INITIALS OR CITY

DEAR NO NAME: You can help her by handing her this letter and suggesting (with love -- not incrimination) that she get professional help. You would be doing her an enormous favor. Trust me.

Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: After two divorces, I thought I had had my fill of marriage -- little did I know.

At a New Year's Eve party, I met Edna, a beautiful widow. She had three children, ages 4, 8 and 12.

When I started dating her, all my friends screamed, "Jim, are you out of your mind? She has three kids!"

Well, love is not only blind, it's also deaf. So, to make a long story short, I asked her to marry me and she replied, "Is tomorrow too soon?"

Edna and I had 40 years of wedded bliss when the good Lord took her to heaven.

I just celebrated my 87th birthday, am in excellent health and live in a beautiful retirement home in Florida. My children and grandchildren overwhelm me with long-distance telephone calls, letters and gifts. I don't want to bore you, but the point of this letter is: Just because a man has two strikes against him doesn't mean he's out. -- JIMMY WOODWARD

DEAR JIMMY: Thanks for a letter that may inspire others to realize that with a little bit of luck and the willingness to try, they can be winners, too.

DEAR ABBY: Your comment on "Larry King Live" recently was very disturbing. When someone called in and asked you if sex on the first date was OK, you replied, "Why not?" -- BETTY BOZARD, GREENWOOD, S.C.

DEAR BETTY: Thank you for writing. I understood the question to be: "Is a KISS on the first date OK?"

Never would I approve of sex on the first date, or the second or even the third date.

DEAR ABBY: I have enjoyed your column for many years -- your wisdom has helped me a great deal. I would like to share an article that was read to us parents at a recent Fitchburg State College football banquet by one of the trainers. -- A CONCERNED PARENT, BOSTON

DEAR PARENT: Thanks for sharing a perceptive essay from which we can all benefit:

BE CAREFUL

Be careful of your thoughts

For your thoughts become your words.

Be careful of your words

For your words become your actions.

Be careful of your actions

For your actions become your habits.

Be careful of your habits

For your habits become your character.

Be careful of your character

For your character becomes your destiny.

-- AUTHOR UNKNOWN

DEAR READERS: A truism: "An optimist is the kind of person who believes that a housefly is looking for a way to get out." -- GEORGE JEAN NATHAN

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Bless you! Your column highlighting the "Souper Bowl" helped generate more than $1.2 million for hungry and hurting people around the country -- and calls are still coming in.

More than 4,000 churches, synagogues, schools and businesses welcomed $1 donations, sent the funds directly to a soup kitchen, food bank or other helping agency, and then phoned 1-800-358-SOUP on Super Bowl Sunday to report their totals.

In 1990, 22 congregations participated in the first Souper Bowl. The explosive growth since then illustrates both the power of working in partnership with others and the exciting results of "loving God and loving our neighbors" in even the simplest ways. We hope more folks will call 1-800-358-SOUP to join in next year's effort.

Abby, again, thank you for your partnership. -- THE REV. BRAD SMITH, SOUPER BOWL COORDINATOR, COLUMBIA, S.C.

DEAR MR. SMITH: It was a pleasure to inform my readers of such a worthwhile effort. The numbers are impressive. Your effort beautifully illustrates the power of working together.

DEAR ABBY: After reading the letter titled "The 10 Worst Things to Say to an Infertile Couple," I have a message for the woman who couldn't conceive a child. She said: "Every time the results come up negative, my sister-in-law says she goes through the same grieving as someone who had lost a child."

Never, never make that remark to anyone who has lost a child. It is an insult to those grieving parents who know what it is to lose a child.

The woman who couldn't get pregnant has no idea what it is like to lose a child in death, and she is doing a very poor job of imagining. Her comparison belittles our grief and our loss, and infuriates those of us who have experienced that tragedy. -- BEREAVED IN FAIRFIELD, OHIO

DEAR BEREAVED: Anyone who reads this will verify that losing a child in death is the most heartbreaking experience a parent must endure.

DEAR ABBY: The letters about tattoos brought back some painful memories.

The first tattoos I ever saw were on a young Dutchman who had come to America after World War II. He had three tattoos on his arm -- one for each Nazi concentration camp he had managed to survive.

Years later, I went to Israel and attended a concert at the Mann auditorium. In front of me sat two very elegant, refined-looking ladies. Both were wearing white kid gloves. I can't tell you the horror I felt when I noticed that both of them had numbers peeking out over the tops of their gloves. -- JANET DIDINSKY IN MARYLAND

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)