DEAR ABBY: Where is it written that it is the bride's duty to write all the thank-you notes? Aren't wedding gifts intended to be enjoyed by both the bride and the groom? At least half of our wedding gifts came from my husband's side of the family.

Even though my husband agreed to write thank-you notes for the gifts from his friends and relatives, he kept putting it off for so long, I was embarrassed, and I finally wrote them all myself.

Please print this in your column. Many newlywed wives will thank you. -- FRANK'S WIFE IN SPRINGFIELD, VA.

DEAR WIFE: Times have changed. More newlywed wives are now fully employed outside the home.

In years gone by, the husband brought home the bacon and the wife fried it. No more. There's a new innovation, as I clearly state in my wedding booklet: "The bride and groom share the writing of thank-you notes. She writes to her friends and family, he to his."

DEAR ABBY: Regarding "Enraged in Bremerton, Wash.," who has been inspired to political activism by the closing of a government-sponsored food shelter in her state: Why does she assume that it's the government's responsibility to feed the hungry? Where in the Constitution does it say that? Rather, it is our duty as neighbors and citizens to help those less fortunate than ourselves.

She wanted to know what she could do to influence the government about the injustice of the closure. While voting responsibly and educating herself on the issues is always a good idea, rolling up her sleeves and pitching in to solve the problem herself is an even better idea. How about getting on the telephone to private businesses and local community members and asking for their financial support to keep it open? She could also make calls to area grocery stores, wholesalers, restaurants, etc., and ask them to regularly donate their surpluses and good-but-unsellable food to the food bank. She could ask local media to announce a food drive to help fill the shelves as well, and ask for volunteers to run it.

Many food banks across the country are run in precisely this manner -- all organized and staffed by volunteers. When we volunteer our own time, it brings us closer to the problem, and we become more invested in solving it, rather than sloughing off responsibility to the government. Best of all, it's done with donated time and food that would have gone to waste, rather than spending our precious tax dollars. -- EILEEN COALE, ANNAPOLIS, MD.

DEAR EILEEN: Thank you for your helpful suggestions to implement community activism. I see your point, and it makes sense to me. However, it's not as simple as you make it seem. There are health department regulations, tax ramifications and fiduciary responsibilities that I doubt an 18-year-old would know how to handle. Perhaps those wishing to solve this nationwide problem should volunteer to work with an established charity such as a privately funded or church-sponsored food bank or service club.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Like the lady in Arlington, Va., whose husband lived at the gym lifting weights, I am also alone.

My husband, "Paul," is 50 and wants the body of a 20-year-old. He consumes protein drinks and energy bars, pops vitamin pills, and reads body-building magazines every day. His gym equipment amounts to several thousand of dollars. Paul is constantly after me to get into exercising with him, but I'm really not interested. Besides, I still have a pretty good figure after five kids.

Now that the kids are grown, you'd think we would spend more time together, but Paul is in the recreation room working out four nights a week, so I find myself alone. He can find the time to exercise, but no time to paint the house. I told him painting would be good exercise, but he says, "It's the wrong kind."

Abby, after 30 years of marriage, I still love Paul, and I'd never leave him, but he's really overdoing the physical fitness routine. All in all, if it were up to me, I'd prefer a husband with love handles to no love at all. -- BARBELL WIDOW

DEAR WIDOW: Perhaps I'm jumping to a wrong conclusion, but if you are literally getting no love at all, you should insist that Paul join you in some sessions with a marriage counselor.

DEAR ABBY: I never thought I'd be writing to you, but a family problem has gotten out of hand and I need the help of an objective party.

My older brother, "Victor," who is 28, attempted suicide two years ago after a messy breakup with his wife, with whom he was still in love. He now regrets the act and realizes that they married too young (at 21).

Since suicide is a crime in our religion, my parents and my younger sister, "Sarah" (who is still in college), refuse to speak to Victor.

In a few months, I plan to marry a wonderful man. We had planned to include both Victor and Sarah in the wedding party. However, each has said he/she will not attend if the other does.

My parents predict that my marriage will end as Victor's did if I allow him to come. Victor says our parents will disown me, too, sooner or later, so it may as well be sooner. My husband-to-be just rolls his eyes.

Whom should I choose, Sarah or Victor? -- DISTRAUGHT MIDDLE CHILD

DEAR DISTRAUGHT: It is your right to invite whomever you want to your wedding; furthermore, it's unfair to be put on the spot as you have been.

Anyone who says, "If you invite so-and-so, I'm not coming," deserves to be excluded. I would exclude BOTH of them.

DEAR ABBY: My mother always used to say, "The shoemaker's family goes barefoot." Well, she was right. I married a plumber, and every faucet in our house drips.

I have begged my husband to fix them, but he keeps putting me off. I tried to repair them myself and almost lost my thumb. What should I do? -- PLUMBER'S WIFE

DEAR WIFE: The biggest "drip" in your house is your husband. The plumbing in a plumber's house should be perfect, so tell your husband you'll give him one more chance before calling his competitor with instructions to put your plumbing in first-class condition, and send the bill to your husband.

For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I were invited to a party at the home of some old friends. They are very social, always attending parties -- but we have never entertained them, so we were surprised to receive their invitation.

The invitation read "4 to 6 p.m." My wife and I arrived around 5 o'clock. We thought we'd see many of our old friends who are also friends of theirs. They have a huge home, and we were surprised to find only 10 other guests. They served hot cider and non-alcoholic punch -- that's all.

Well, the next day I ran into one of those old friends who told me that he had attended the party and wondered where we were. I told him that we were there and had been one of the last to leave around 6 p.m. My friend said, "We didn't get there until 7:30," and went on to describe the open bar, the fine wine, etc. -- none of which was offered when my wife and I were there.

Can you believe how tacky? There were two different party lists, and my wife and I were placed on the dull and, yes, "cheap" one.

I'd like to let the hosts know that we know about their slight and did not appreciate it, but we don't know how to do it without totally ruining the friendship. We'd appreciate your thoughts on this. -- TICKED OFF IN GEORGIA

DEAR TICKED OFF: There is nothing to be gained by confronting your hosts to complain about having been placed on their "B" list. Just make a mental note of where you stand with them and file it under "sadder but wiser."

DEAR ABBY: The "I remember your name but can't think of your face" solution to forgetting someone's name reminds me of an experience I had at my 50th class reunion at DePauw University in Indiana.

"Fred Anderson!" a fellow classmate greeted me after having obviously partied too long and too well. "You sure have changed. You used to be kind of fat and not as tall."

"I am not Fred Anderson," I replied. "I'm Jack Runninger."

"Oh, you changed your name, too, eh?"

I remember a true story from many years ago about the danger of pretending to know who someone is.

A lady couldn't remember the name of someone she ran into on the street one day. As she racked her brain, the other lady finally mentioned something about her brother.

"Oh, yes ... your dear brother ... what is he doing these days?" she asked, figuring this might give her a clue to the lady's identity.

"Oh, he's still the president of the United States," she replied. (She was Calvin Coolidge's sister.) -- JACK RUNNINGER, ROME, GA.

DEAR JACK: Speaking of Coolidge, he was a man of few words and was nicknamed "Silent Cal."

It was reported that Coolidge was seated next to a lively woman at a dinner party. She turned to Coolidge and said with a smile, "Someone bet me $10 that you wouldn't say three words to me all evening," to which Coolidge replied (with a straight face), "You lose."

DEAR ABBY: Regarding "Devastated in Long Island," I thought you would get a kick out of this:

Some years ago in a New England city, many members of a certain Jewish temple were becoming active with the Religious Society of Friends, also known as the Quakers.

When asked if he was aware of the situation, the rabbi came back with this classic: "Oh, yes. Why, some of my best Jews are Friends!" -- CHUCK EVANS, ERIE, PA.

Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)